Thailand

Bangkok
Some would describe Bangkok as a frenetic place, difficult to handle, but we first arrived there from India, Calcutta to be precise, which is a really insane place. Bangkok seemed like a breath of fresh air, orderly, purposeful and predictable. The taxi's didn't try to rip us off, the roads were fast, the streets were clean. Bangkok is known as the Venice of the orient, on account of the vast canal network that still serves as a principal means of transport for many residents.
Where to stay in Bangkok: Most travellers head for the Khaosan Road. This place is such a traveller's ghetto, it's almost a parody - I'd avoid it if at all possible. Yes the hotels are cheap, but they're not good value. They're shabby and faceless. We recommend the Shanti Lodge, a few stops further north on the Chao Phraya express. It's clean, tasteful, and friendly, and it's near the river, which is important, since the river buses are the fastest easiest way to get around town. The only thing I didn't like about it was the no shoes inside policy, which is a bit revolting when everyone's using the same squat down toilet. On one of our trips into Bangkok, we stayed at the New Joe's Guesthouse on the Khaosan road. This is a nasty soulless place with lukewarm showers, toilets that smell like an open sewer, and more fauna in the beds than you'd find in the whole of London Zoo… but it's cheap.
There are some fantastic food markets in Bangkok - not to be missed, even if you're not intending doing any cooking. There was one just south of the Shanti Lodge, bordering the canal, a cornucopia of ultra fresh produce, so fresh that most of the fish was still alive, writhing around in plastic bowls of water.
Chinatown Bangkok has a significant Chinese community, and here as in many other large cities, there is a Chinatown, not that we'd have realised it, since most Thais are visibly indistinguishable from Chinese. The heart of Chinatown is the Sampeng Lane and the surrounding maze of close-packed alleyways. This is not the place to be if you're in a rush. The crowds of shoppers are thick, and noisy, and you just get carried along with them, like a twig in a stream. The merchandise on offer is very typical of modern asia; chunky flip-flops, Mickey Mouse T shirts, fancy coloured stationery, beauty products galore. It wasn't really my scene, but Katie liked it. We eventually emerged onto the Pahurat Rd, where there is a large modern shopping mall, one of thousands in Bangkok. We ate here in the food hall, not having the faintest idea what we were ordering, just pointing mumbling and hoping for the best. In most countries, we try and learn some of the basics of the language, but I found Thai pretty impossible to master even the basics. All I could manage after three weeks was Hello (Sawatdee) and thankyou (Khap kum khrap). It was very irritating. I couldn't even ask 'where's the toilet' or 'I'm lost'. Anyway, we ended up with noodle soup with all sorts of offal thrown in to it a bunch of coriander and some dumplings all for about 50 pence.
Getting Around Bangkok: Bangkok's roads get hopelessly choked up during rush hours, when the best option is to take to the river. The Chao Phraya Express is a river bus that can get you to within walking distance of most of the important landmarks in the city, and it's far cheaper than using taxis. Taxis, however are clean and efficient - make sure you get an official one. All official taxis are obliged to use the meter - make sure they use it. We avoided the tuk tuks, garish three wheeled motorcycles that shoot around town at high speed. They're dangerous, and they usually try to rip you off. If you do use one agree a price up front, and make sure they take you where you want to go, and not to their uncle's designer clothes emporium.
Laughing Buddha with Lipstick!	What Wat There are thousands of buddhist temples in Bangkok, otherwise known as Wats. They are generally highly gilded and beautifully painted. Some of the most magnificent Wats in Thailand can be found right in the centre of Bangkok. We visited Wat Pho, which is the biggest and oldest temple in town. On first impressions. It's a bit like a religious Disneyland, brightly coloured spires, lots of tourists. There are 91 small chedis, these are tiled domes with a spike on top, a bit like the world war one German army helmets, dozens of small shrines or bots, and everywhere you looked, golden images of the Buddha. Wat Pho has the largest reclining Buddha statue in the world, 15m high and 46m long. I liked the feet, which were inlaid with 108 mother of pearl images depicting the auspicious characteristics of a good Buddhist. Wat Pho is also home to the national training centre for traditional Thai massage, which as far as I'm concerned was the highlight of the visit. For a few quid, you get a damned good pummeling from one of their students, which is painful at times, but quite relaxing afterwards. They crack all your fingers and toes and have a good go at breaking your back, push their finger in your ear, stand on you, get you in a full nelson and wrench your neck, elbow you in tha back and tickle your legs. They call it traditional Thai massage, to distinguish it from modern Thai massage, where you pay a lot more money for nubile girls to do a more localised massage - on your genitals.
Where to Eat in Bangkok If you buy Thai food in England, it's usually pretty hot. Get the real thing in Bangkok, and be prepared to have your head blown off. Get out of the Khaosan Rd with its westernised video bars and get into Rombutri Rd, just two blocks north, where there are a number of good traditional Thai restauarants. None of the staff here speak English, so be prepared to take a risk on the menu.
Khaosan Road The Khaosan road is a sad parody of what a traveller hang-out would be like, It's as if it had been devised by some comedy scriptwriter. The streets are lined with pirate tape stalls, tattoo parlours, loud bars, body piercing studios, and students in their gap year; "Look at my nipple ring mum - I'm such a rebel!" I'm not sure I'd want to risk body piercing in Bangkok, AIDS capital of the continent. Most of the bars screen pirate versions of current Hollywood blockbusters. You can take your pick from blackboards chalked up outside. Consequently, most bars are full of couch potato Westerners ogling the goggle box - not much interaction going on. Thai hookers move in discretely later on in the evening. You can tell them by the fact that they're usually with some completely geeky western guy. We watched one such saddo and it made us sick to watch the girls fawning over him as he cracked bad jokes. Then we were followed home by a madman with a flick-knife - seriously! - but we managed to lose him.
The Khlongs Bangkok is interlaced with a network of canals - or Khlongs. There are various overpriced tourist trips down the khlongs in big horse-power longboats. If you're on a cheapskate traveller budget, a better way to see canal life is to take a water taxi. These are in effect regular bus services following a circuitous route into the suburbs of the city. They leave from the Tha Chang pier in the centre of town when they're full. It can be hard as a westerner to get tickets for the taxi, since you need to buy them from an office hidden away in the pier, and all the locals try to force you into taking a charter for 300Baht. "Why you wan' take taxi - is for people go home in - you take charter boat!"" They kept saying. "Because taxi only 10 Baht, not 300, dodo-head" snapped Katie.
Eventually the taxi filled up, mostly with little old ladies clutching bags full of shopping. The driver gunned the engine, a huge V8 Dodge unit attached to a very long crank shaft with a propeller at the end, which he dipped in the water, like a giant cocktail stirrer. The long boat was soon bouncing through the waves of the Chao Phraya river over to the opposite shore and the mouth of the Khlop Mon canal. We went past the Royal Boat House, where fantastically ornate longboats belonging to the king are kept. Then we were into the suburbs. Almost every house had a jetty and a boat moored up. Floating shops plied their wares from house to house. My favourite was a woman in a tiny rowing boat with a stove aboard, who was delivering ready cooked lunches. It took about an hour to reach the end of the line - the Thai equivalent of Rayners Lane, where we disembarked to stretch our legs and grab some lunch.
Shopping in Bangkok Bangkok isn't quite upto the consumerist standards of Hong Kong or Singapore, but it's not far behind. There are several humungous shopping malls to choose from, including some very plush examples. The Mahboonkrong shopping centre is large, central and caters to most tastes.
Thai Boxing I strongly recommend a visit to one of the two Thai Boxing venues in Bangkok. We went to the Lumphini stadium, east of the centre of town. It's a stiff 40 minute walk from Siam Square - a taxi is the best bet. We arrived at 9pm, an hour after the tournament had begun, so we missed the early fights. However the fights get better as the evening goes on, so that's not a problem. The fights start with an elaborate ceremony, where each boxer dances a war dance around the stage. Then the bells ring and the fight commences. Most were vicious, and in most cases quite astounding. The kicks are lightning fast and potentially lethal. Each fight was accompanied by furious betting amongst the local spectators.
Bangkok Nightlife The Bangkok nightlife is notorious. There are of course the numerous bars and clubs catering for all tastes. But curiosity drags you into the realms of the Patpong Rd, where nightly, the girls conduct their legendary sexual feats in the vast array of strip joints. One wiley chap remarked "the only thing these women don't do with their vaginas is use them to procreate". We noticed on Thai TV that Eric Bristow, the top British darts player was coming to town. I mused whether or not he was intending to compete with the Patpong Girls, who's prowess with the old darts is well known.
We avoided Patpong - for being a bit too OTT, and went to a couple of streets on the west side of town known as Soi Cowboy. There are about 30 or so dodgy bars here, and basically they're all thinly disguised meat markets. We bar hopped between several of them during the evening. They vary considerably from sleazy joints such as Cowboy 1, where bored fat girls bulge from way too skimpy pants and jiggle lamely along to the music. The second place was better. It was dark, and the girls all wore luminous body paint as they gave it some on the dance floor which was positioned in the middle of the circular bar. It was packed with 'clients', business men - mid forties and above. The most entertaining place was called 'After Skool'. Here new customers are literally mobbed by girls who are all smiles and soft words. They suss you out pretty fast as to whether you're on for action. In many of the bars, the dancers actually have numbers pinned to their bikinis, and its not to help the judges of the beauty contest - it's obvious what's going down. It was an eye opener.
Getting Out of Bangkok - The Night Train South We had decided to travel South to the beaches and islands of the Malay peninsular. We could've flown, but decided to take the sleeper train - more fun. You can buy tickets directly from Hualumphong station - but be prepared to wait a while in the queue. Beware of touts who claim to work for the railway and try to sell you high priced packages. You know they're touts when they start leading you away from the station! The sleeper trains in Thailand are very comfortable. We only bought the cheapest second-class ticket, but the service was great. It included a dedicated porter per carriage, who comes round with ice filled buckets of beer and soft drinks, then makes up your beds for the night. It's very odd waking up in a completely new place!

Ko Samui
Ko Samui was originally 'discovered' by travellers back inn the early 1980s. Its potential has since been recognised by the big tour operators, and there has been considerable development of the island. Nevertheless, the development has been well controlled by the authorities, and the island has many charms, some great beaches and is a fabulous place to wind down for a week, or two.
Getting to Ko Samui We took the overnight train from Bangkok that goes all the way to the Malaysian border. You have to get off at the small port town of Surat Thani to get a ferry across to Ko Samui. The ferry was a creaking old leaky tub, with cracked windows and no visible safety equipment on board. The weather had been unsettled and the crossing was very rough, with the prow of the boat continually smashing into the waves. Gradually the cabin area emptied as pale faced passengers staggered up onto deck to get fresh air, Katie included. Water was running along the ceiling and seeping through the cracked windows - it didn't look too good. I was hugely relieved to finally sight land. Unfortunately it wasn't Ko Samui, but the National Marine Park, an archipelago of rocky uninhabited islets, (where the film the Beach is supposedly set). When we eventually arrived, it was raining heavily. So much for the week of beach bumming we'd planned in. The boats arrive at the main town of NaThon, on the west coasts, but the best beaches are on the North and East sides of the island. However, the songthaews (pick-up truck taxis) were refusing to take people around the island "too much water". This did not bode well. We decided to get a hotel in Na-Thon for the night, and hire ourselves a moped to suss things out. Moped's cost just $4US per day to rent, by far the best value in the whole world - well worth it! We were soon whizzing around the streets on our bright green Honda Wave. We headed off to check out the east side of the island. The songthaew drivers were right about the water - it was a couple of feet deep in places, which was quite a challenge on the moped. The place to be in Ko Samui is Chaweng beach. We checked out about a dozen different hotels and beach hut resorts. As fate would have it, by far the best was the first one we'd tried, the Matlang. It was run by a friendly family, had neat and tidy huts, with own bathroom, and none of the spaced out drugheads that seemed to prevail elsewhere. We booked a room for the following day, and headed back to Na Thon, where we had an outrageously spicy meal in a locals' restaurant.
The Matlang Resort We moved our gear across to the Matlang resort using the moped. Fortunately the weather cleared up, and we spent a highly relaxing 17 days in the resort, chilling out, getting tanned and reading books on the beach by day, and partying by night. The Matlang resort is at the north end of Chaweng beach, about twenty minutes walk from the town, which is a bit too far when you're staggering home at 3am, but far enough away from the nightlife to be nice and quiet. It has a lovely open air restaurant, and raised sundeck by the sea. We made good friends with another couple at the Matlang, Terry and Pauline, who were on their honeymoon, travelling for a year. This was their first week!		Katie relaxing at the Matlang Resort
Terry is a a big bloke, with an England tattoo on his forearm, a mechanic with 20 years experience. He's a bit forbidding at first impressions, but he's got a heart of gold. The most remarkable thing about Terry is his pool playing ability, which is mediocre when sober, but absolutely stunning when pissed out of his brains. He had many a cocksure Thai pool shark on the run. He could barely stand, and had to grab hold of the side of the pool table to steady himself, but the shots were aces every one. Another highlight of our stay in Chaweng was being invited to attend the wedding of the cook to the barmaid. It was a weird affair, since few of the happy couple's family seemed to show up. We found ourselves leading the way on the hastily prepared dancefloor in the middle of the restaurant. We also led the drinking, majoring on the local whisky, Sang Thip.
Chaweng Beach Attractions Chaweng beach is the most touristy area of the island, noisy and brash. It has three or four major night clubs, countless bars, go go girls, a transvestite show, lots of dodgy lady men, and enough shops to make you drop. It didn't even exist ten years ago! Skinheaded English lads in football shirts get blind drunk watching a choice of English premier league soccer matches in the bars. Burned out balding old men pick up cute Thai whores for short-lived ego trips. Lobster faced packaged tourists greedily lap up the bargain buy fake merchandise on offer. Truculent local youths scoot around weaving in and out of the tourists on their mopeds. One of the best clubs is the Green Mango, which keeps going til 3am, 4am at weekends. It's a favourite with the ladymen (trannies) many of whom are pretty stunning. "They've all got such amazing bodies" moaned Katie. "Yeah, its all bloody latex" remarked Terry.

Things to do in Ko Samui
Mountainous Hinterland Aaaagh my bloody leg's been fried. I screamed. It was a cloud day, so we'd decided to explore the mysterious interior of the island. The metalled roads for the most part only run round the 70 miles or so of coast line. Inland there are mountains, jungles and dirt tracks. Our Honda Wave wasn't quite the ideal bike for the rough steep dirt tracks of the hinterland. The baseplate kept grinding on rocks, and the engine whined as the gradient increased to 1 in 3. The poor old bike eventually refused to go on. Even with the brakes on, it started to slide backwards, and eventually slid under me, cooking my leg on the exhaust pipe in revenge for the rough treatment we were giving it. So what were we doing 10km up a mountain on a dirt track. Good question. We were looking for the Viewtop restaurant. Eventually we found it, and it was shrouded in cloud. The owner was quite shocked to see two idiot tourists on a moped. We ordered a tea. I'm sure the view would be great ion a sunny day. The curly postcards on sale looked good anyway.
Grandfather and Grandmother Rocks Golden rule of tourism - where there are tourists, there must be a mythology, and if there isn't one, it should be invented. These two rocks are nothing more than natural formations which happen to look like human genitalia. I don't know why they're called grandfather and grandmother, but I do know that if my Grandad had a knob that size, and erect like that, he'd be very well chuffed.		Grandfather Rock
The mummified monk - died 1973	The Mummified Monk Just past Lamai beach is a small wat, containing one of the creepiest of things we saw on our travels; a mummified Buddhist monk. The devout Buddhist monk predicted his own death in 1973 and asked that his remains be preserved following his death as an example to all who wish to follow the middle path to nirvana. I don't think I'd ever seen a human corpse before this - and there he was, not looking his best, by a long chalk, a bit green skinned, but not too bad considering he'd been dead for 26 years. The Big Buddha There is a huge golden statue of the Buddha on a small islet on the North East side of the island. It's a nice place to go at sunset. We met Terry and Pauline there one day just in time to see the sun sinking in a brilliant flash of pinks and gold. At the foot of the steps leading up to the giant Buddha, the nuns who look after this shrine have got a regular little funfair of religious razmatazz. You can sponsor tiles for the new temple, and get to write a message on them. There's a fortune telling machine under a small statue of the Buddha which is encircled in fairy lights. But the start attraction is an automatic alms-giving machine, which dispenses bowls of rice for you to give to the monks. Only the rice never comes out of the machine. It's a great scam. It just empties into a serving bowl which rotates in front of you to demonstrate that your money was well spent, then empties back into the vat, for the next idiot to buy!
Bo Phut This tiny hamlet on the North of the island is very quiet and more 'Thai' than most other places. There are a smattering of excellent fish restaurants here - much better than eating at Chaweng where the quality of service and food can be mediocre to say the least. Terry had Barracuda, I had a large red snapper and Katie had Pomfret. It was all superb.
Full Moon Parties There was a full moon party on nearby Ko Phan Gan whilst we were there. We didn't go. Most of the people going looked like a right bunch of losers, so we gave it a miss

Krabi

Time flew by when we were in Ko Samui - it's that kind of a place. It took a massive thunderstorm to convince us to move on once more. We decided to get back to the mainland and trip across to the other side of the peninsular to see if the weather was any better in Krabi. The return trip to Surat Thani was much smoother. Krabi si a port town situated on a river amidst spectacular karst limestone sceney. We took a room at the Riverside hotel, a clean if somewhat dull place a few blocks up from the centre of town. It was quite pricey at 480Baht for the night, but they had cable TV, and a nice ensuite bathroom.

The following day, we rented another moped - a Honda Dream this time - which was even slower than the last one we rented in Samui. Krabi town is pretty boring, not much to see or do. We headed into the countryside to one of Thailands foremost forest wats, Wat Tham Sua.

Wat Tham Sua

This Wat is very cultish. It is run by a charismatic 45 year old abbot, who's pictures pop up all over the place, side by side with pictures of dead bodies, human entrails and skeletons. This morbid display is intended to quell lustful desires in the monks of the wat. The most sacred part of the wat is the Tiger Cave, hollowed into the karst limestone. We took a blessing from one of the monks. We sat cross-legged on the floor, whilst he sprinkled holy water at us and muttered prayers. Then he tied the traditional red string around my wrist. However, he wouldn't tie it to Katie's wrist. She repeatedly raised her arm for him, but he looked flustered and embarassed. It was then I remembered that the monks are forbidden from touching women. I took the string and tied it on for Katie. Beyond the cave, steep steps rise up into the misty tree-clad limestone cliff-face. A lot of steps, 1200 in fact. It's an exhausting climb to the top, where there is a shrine, and a fantastic view of Krabi town, the surrounding countryside and the Andaman Sea. The monks of Wat Tham Sua all live in small wooden huts at the foot of this enormous cliff, hidden amongst hardwood rainforest trees. You can stroll freely through this prehistoric forest glade, with it's lines of drying orange robes, and hidden buddest shrines.

Ko Lanta

The island of Ko Lanta sits a few kilometres off the south western coast of Thailand and a two hour boat trip from Krabi. It is a far cry from the commercialised islands like Ko Samui Ko Phan Gan and Phuket, which was the main reason for going there.

The island's main town, Ban Saladan, is a ramshackle of wooden shcaks and crumbling jetties. We had decided to stay at a place called Lanta Marina, about 8km down the west coast of the island. It had been recommended to us by a Danish couple in Surat Thani. "look out for the lady in the straw hat" was the only lead we had. We found her by an old pick up truck - the only practical form of transport on the isdland, which does not have metalled roads.

The Lanta Marina 'resort' is a beautiful unspoilled place, with a long deserted beach, lined with coconut palms. The accommodation comprises bamboo huts, scattered amongst the trees. It's low-key, not at all commercial, eco-friendly and fantastically laid back. We took an A-frame bungalow, a hut which has to be reached up a 10ft ladder. The restaurant at the Lanta Marina is a family run affair, serving up the most fantastic Thai dishes, hot and sour chicken with kaffir limes for instance.

A stroll up the beach from the Lanta Marina takes you to two or three other similarly laid back resorts and a great reggae bar where you chill out on straw mats under the stars by the beach, listening to the reggae sounds. The preferred drink is Sang Thip, the thai whiskey - by the bottle. The bar is owned by two buddhist brothers, 'Chewy' and 'Pirate', who despite their oriental looks both model themselves on Bob Marley with straggly beards and unkempt dreadlocks. Chewy carries his wallet in a shoulder holster a bit like a gun, so I joked 'I see you're packing a piece". To my surprise he was actually packing a gun, tucked into his waistband under his shirt (rather precariously I might add). I wondered why he felt it necessary to go around so heavily armed, and he went on to explain how last year he had been ambushed late at night when walking back to his bar through the coconut plantation late at night. Three men started shooting at him "They emptied all their guns at me!" Amazingly, only one bullet had hit him in the side, and not caused major damage. "Who was it and why do you think they'd want to kill you?" I asked. He didn't know for sure, but he suspects it was local muslim farmers who resent the presence of two buddhist brothers. The farmers had sold their beachfront land many years ago to enterprising Chinese business men in Krabi who were now leasing it to the various bungalow owners. The poor farmers now resent trhe money-making opportunity that they gave away all those years ago, especially when it involves two wannabe Bob Marley buddhists from out of town... but enough to kill for???

We spent three days in Ko Lanta, hanging out on the beach. I took a days advanced diving course out of Ban Saladan at the fabulous Hin Duong dive site. Three tiny rock pinnacles protrude from the sea in the middle of nowhere. They are the summit of a large underwater mountain - a veritable coracle covered Atlantis teeming with sea life. There were evil looking Moray eels skulking in shadowy holes, a school of predatory barracuda and we found a highly poisonous scorpion fish wallowing near the bottom. It was a deep dive to 30m, the deepest I had done, where nitrogen absorbtion and oxygen usage is frighteningly fast. We only stayed down for 10 minutes before rising to 18m. Back aty the beach, Katie had been enjoying a Thai massage and basking in the sun.

Onward to Malaysia

We intended to spend Christmas in Australia, and already we were a week into December. The time had therefore come to leave Thailand behind and start making our way south, next stop Malaysia. We left the island paradise at 7.30 am to get a boat to the mainland, where we picked up a cramped minibus south to town of Trang. We arrived in Trang starving at 11:30am, having had no breakfast. I ordered a plate of rice and spice at the bus station, only to see the bus pull in just as the dish appeared. Scoffing it down, I boarded the bus with sauce dribbling down my chin and being last to board we got the worst seats right at the back. It was an uncomfortable two hour trip to the border town of Hat Yai. We were offloaded at the central market and were immediately besieged by rickshaw drivers. Why is it that they always look so disreputable and seedy. We escaped to a nearby restaurant - the restaurant with no menu, just lots of bubbling pots. We went through the point and eat routine - it was delicious and all for 60 pence including drinks! From Hat Yai, you can either get the train south or the bus. After queuing for aeons at the train station, I found out that all the trains were full - cheers! So we set off for town to look for a travel agent that might be able to get us on a bus, pursued by a one-armed hustler with an umbrella hanging from his stump. We tried everything to lose him, including diving into shops, changing direction, running, abuse, all to no avail. He only got the message after we'd bought our ticket to Penang aboard a minivan from a side-street travel agency - a bargain at $6 a head. We eventually crossed the border in the early hours of the evening.

You are reading the story of Adrian and Katie's travels through the India and the Far East between August 1998 and February 1999.
Adrian and Katie have put the rat race on hold for a year to travel the world.