Gosh, Why don’t you grow up?!?!

by Dr Patrick Quanten MD

Haven’t you been silenced with that particular one-liner at one time or another? What can you say? Is there an answer to it? Let’s examine in detail where we will go with this.

My behaviour has obviously given rise to the suggestion that maybe I am not a full adult and only impersonating one, a serious and punishable offence. What characterises an adult?

An adult finds himself a place to live. He starts to gather things and the more he gathers the more important he becomes. He likes to belong to groups because he recognises that alone he is most vulnerable. In order to belong he does and says exactly the same as the rest of the group. He values and believes the group’s words and deeds and he will try and persuade others to join.

An adult uses the world around him to enhance his own position. He manipulates the resources for his own comfort disregarding the needs of other human beings or other life forms, defending his actions through his own position and copious streams of words. He invents laws to justify his behaviour and demands obedience from others.

An adult brings children into his world and teaches them his way. He shows them how to become important through the use of the world’s attributes, how to claim one’s rights and how to defend against disobedience.

An adult lives in constant fear of losing his possessions, his place, his ability, his means, and his like-minded peers.

This sounds pretty impressive and who wouldn’t want to achieve just that. The rewards for trying are not to be snared at: your face on pieces of paper, in magazines and on telly. Or you could get yourself a place in history and people will remember you forever. They will talk about you for a while after you have died, and that’s nice for you.

So what about children? What are they like?

Children live where they came into the world, rooted like a plant. They gather things they need or find useful, and leave them when their needs have changed. They join others in play, and leave them when their interest takes them elsewhere.

Children use the world that surrounds them for their own needs without laying claim to it. Resources are used and discarded as and when appropriate. Children have no opinions about anything else than what they require just now. They are not constantly affected by the needs of others. They have no responsibility regarding others, nor do they have a need to implement it.

Children have no position or status in the world and have no ambition to it. They have no laws and no need to justify themselves. They have no need for others to copy them, in fact when someone does the child becomes outraged. There is only individuality, no group togetherness.

Children learn from their play with and within the world. Their play is guided by and limited only by their imagination. So, learning is a completely open affair and totally unpredictable.

Children have no fears. Children do not lose anything, because they do not possess anything and because at the same time they have everything.

I like that!

So, "growing up" means doing as you are told, separating the world into mine and thine, and learning to become anxious. Worrying is a great yardstick for your adulthood; it shows you care about your responsibilities in life. You must worry in order to show that you care, to show you are a real adult. The benefits of this behaviour must be tremendous since you can not become an adult without it.

Another great asset is obviously conformist. Doing things in the same way, thinking the same, being the same are all necessary requirements for real adulthood. The benefits for personal development have to be second to none.

And then there is responsibility! Who can do without it? An adult is responsible for all and everything. All success and good fortune is a direct result from the adult’s efforts. Only it always seems to be another adult who is said to be responsible for all mishaps; if no one is available then the world or God or anything that catches the eye is given the responsibility. So, an adult is master of his own fortune until he becomes a victim of evil forces.

The innocence of a child allows it to develop in it’s own direction, at it’s own pace. This development is shaped as a direct result of its experiences. As the child is immediately confronted with, and accepts, the consequences of its actions it learns the truth about the world it lives in. Burning your fingers on a hot stove is a direct result of you touching the stove; it isn’t mum’s fault for lighting the fire or your dad’s for not keeping an eye on you or the manufacturer for not providing a safeguard. The child does not blame anyone! The child takes full responsibility – if you let it.

The creativity that results from seeing the world with an open mind is boundless. This gives rise to possibilities never envisaged by a guided, well informed mind. It is difficult to find new ways if your mind is programmed in the old way. The child’s mind is an open playing field.

Do I want to grow up? - Not if I can help it.

Do I need to grow up? – That depends on what I want to achieve, but if I don’t need to be afraid, if I don’t need to belong, if I don’t need to blame others, then I don’t need to grow up.

Unfortunately I have. So, it’s a great complement if someone hasn’t actually noticed it. It means that to that person I am still free of worry, free to develop, free to be myself. No wonder they are jealous! Thank you for the complement, and if you are interested and if you can take some time off from your busy adult schedule I could show you a few tricks how it’s done.

Nurture the child within. It is your most valuable possession – ever.

Dr Patrick Quanten

March 2001