Loneliness

by Patrick Quanten MD

Loneliness is something that we all have felt at one time or another. It is a state of mind that has troubled us all, and for some of us it is an almost permanent feature in our lives. In general it is not something that is enjoyed very much and the word itself has negative connotations in our language.

For all the suffering that goes on in the world at the hands of loneliness it is amazing that no one has, as yet, find a "cure" for it. On the whole it generates a lot of sympathy, as it is something that we can all relate to, but no approach to the problem has to this day lead to an alleviation of the pain. Depression and even suicide are nasty effects seen as a result of loneliness.

Generally we tend to deal with people's loneliness by attempting to make them mix with other people. We encourage them to "join" groups, to meet with other people, to "do" things, to be active, all of which is aimed at taking your mind of it. And yet we all acknowledge that one can easily be lonely in a crowd. We can have plenty of friends and still feel lonely. We might even be popular, such as entertainers, people with high standing in the community or experts in certain fields, and yet be lonely, depressed and suicidal.

Why is the closeness of other people not enough to abolish loneliness to the realms of fantasy and storytelling?

Being a-lone

Loneliness has nothing to do with being alone, with being left by yourself. A loner, someone who is by him/herself tends to be a person who likes being alone, someone who "likes his/her own company". The loner tends not to be the person who is lonely, because he/she is not the one craving for other people's company. A hermit is an extreme example of someone who is alone, but not lonely.

The truth is that we are never really alone. As a human being we are intricately connected to everything else in creation. We are an integral part of the whole of creation. Every molecule in our body has been used before somewhere else. The energy that created the individual human being is part of a larger energy field that creates the rest of the plants, animals, humans, in fact the whole universe. We, as an individual, are all a part of that creation and are taking part in creating that same universe. Our individual connection to all parts of the universe is now a scientific fact. There is no us and them.

Although we often have the impression that we are acting alone, or that we are no part of a murderous gang, that we have no responsibility for the evil that goes on in the world, is an illusion we have created in an effort to distance ourselves from what we consider to be "wrong". However, we have no sole rights to being right. No religion, no government, no teacher tells the truth with the exclusion of all other beliefs (See "Good & Evil"). The Israelites are right; so are the Palestinians. How come they are on opposite sides of the fence fighting each other? Because they believe, as we all do, that only their belief is the right one. This implicitly implies that all the others must be wrong. Yet, if we have the right to be right, then everybody else must have the same right, otherwise it would make them a lesser human being. If one human being is worth more, is better than another, then we have the right to impose our will and belief upon them in an effort to make them better, wiser. If all humans, however, are equal, then they must have the same rights and therefore, by definition, must have the right to be right, even if we believe them to be wrong.

This means that people who we perceive as being hell-bent on destroying "our" way of life, must be right in doing so. Or put differently, they must have a good reason to want to destroy. The most common reason is the fact that somehow these people feel threatened. The more we fight them, the more threatened they are going to feel and the more they will feel justified in wanting to destroy us. The more we can understand why they feel threatened in the first place, the greater our understanding, the better we can appreciate the "right" in their beliefs and actions and the less need there will be for us to "defend" ourselves or to be aggressive.

A greater understanding will also lead to an appreciation of the togetherness of all people. It will contribute to the abolishment of the "isolation" people experience today. Whole groups of people, whole nations, feel abandoned by the international community simply because the world does not understand them. This creates a them and us situation; a situation of division, of friends and enemies. It clouds the fact that people everywhere are going through the same struggles of life: surviving and raising children.

This division is of human making, mainly to gain dominance. In Life, we are all connected, as we are connected to all animals (including bacteria), plants, planets and galaxies. There is no separation, only togetherness. If one small part in this whole system is refusing to play its part, the whole of the universe will feel the repercussions. What if the plants decide no longer to breathe in carbon monoxide and breathe out oxygen? Indeed, all oxygen dependent life on earth would cease very quickly. What if the bacteria refuse to attack and digest our food? Indeed, we would starve to death. What if a body in outer space decides it wants to go somewhere else and collides with the earth? We can be pretty sure that our planet's atmosphere would be changed dramatically becoming filled with noxious gases. The planet might even blow up altogether. If mankind wasn't playing its role in evolution our awareness, the development of the consciousness of creation, would alter drastically. That is how connected we are to everything else within the universe.

Are you still feeling alone?

The feeling of being alone

And yet, sometimes we don't have that connection feeling. We forget. We see ourselves as separate from everything else. We look out through our eyes and see what is "out there" and experience the rest as "in here". That's how we have come to perceive ourselves as separate from the rest of the world, from creation. What we forget is that it is only a point of view (See "The View Point"). We can only see in one direction and assume that there is nothing beyond what we see. We cannot see the whole picture that we are part of, just like a bacteria in your gut can have no understanding of the whole of the body it is a part of.

Our brain, which is connected to all of the rest of creation as a part of us, can only make a selection out of all the information it receives to present to us. There are sound waves it can't hear, there are visual rays it can't see, there are sensory impulses it can't feel. Well, that is not entirely correct of course: the brain can and does pick all of these up, it is just that the body, which you happen to occupy, is not equipped to "see" most of this. So the brain, which is your access gate to your mind (It is not THE mind!), can only let you see the bit of the whole picture that your body needs in order to do its job within the universal works. Just as the ant has a totally different understanding of "the world", as has the bee, the tree or the rock. The world, in each case is the same, but the view point differs greatly. The world we experience is only a small fraction of the world, the universe, as it really is. With our limited faculties we have no possible comprehension of the reality we live in. Neither has the ant.

So, where does my feeling of loneliness originate from then?

As we said before, loneliness is not a fact of Nature. It simply does not exist in the reality of the universe. Everything is closely connected with everything else, and it is impossible that any part could ever be alone.

On the other hand, we experience the world, in a limited way, through our senses, through the way we "see" the world and our place within. It is this view point that provides us with a separation; me and the world. It is this view point that relates to us what place we perceive to have within that world and the connections we have to that world. Family, friends and acquaintances, all help to create a picture of connectedness. It is a poor substitute picture for reality, but for most of us it provides us, most of the time, with a "feeling" of belonging. We have a "sense" of having a place within the world.

This feeling, of course, is no reflection of the reality. In reality we are very closely connected and could never ever be not connected. The feeling we have created that tells us our place in life is an artificially created "bond" with people, land, a nation. This made-up picture replaces the reality, as this is too large, too complex for us to comprehend within the limits of our physical beings. The way we perceive the strength and weakness of these bonds is the way we are going to feel part of the rest of the world. Who do you belong to? Where do you belong? Who are your mates; who are your enemies?

Creating this separation has created the need for a physical bonding in order not to feel isolated and alone. These bonds are now taking the place of the real connections, as far as a human view point is concerned. We do not feel connected to the universe, but we feel connected to our family, our country, our religion, etc.

As these bonds are not real, as they are made up, the feeling of connectedness can grow and fade, depending on the way we feel about our own place in the world. It is not that our place has changed, it is simply that we perceive it differently. Falling out with your family, your friends, your church, will most certainly leave you with a feeling of loss. This feeling of loss gives you the impression that you are now more alone than you were before as connections have been severed or loosened, resulting in a feeling of loneliness.

You are no more alone in the world than before you lost these connections. There are still as many people in the world as there were before. There are still as many people in the village, the nation or the church as before, yet you now somehow perceive yourself no longer to be connected to them. In fact, you are still just as much connected to them as you were before, it is only that you feel more distant.

Why are we feeling more distant now? People believe that having different ideas, that being different, having disagreements, creates a separation. We perceive that if we believe in the same things, adhere to the same values, speak the same language, that we belong together. If not, then you must belong somewhere else but you certainly don't belong here. Being different is equated with separation. This, of course, is a fallacy. We are all connected, and we need the differences in order to "evolve". If nobody was different, we would all still believe the world was flat and that chemotherapy cures cancer.

The future of loneliness

So, being lonely does not exist. What we are talking about is no more than feeling lonely.

If you are feeling lonely because you are relying on external bonds to give you a sense of togetherness, and these bonds are disappointing you, then you have the choice. You can either leave it and continue to feel lonely or you can change your perception away from the limitations of the feeling you have created and open your awareness to the universal connectedness.

What the hell is all that about? You feeling lonely is just that, a feeling. It does not exist in the reality of Nature; it is something you have created to assist you. Maybe you felt that it would help you getting more sympathy? Maybe you felt it would help to get people to pay you more attention? Whatever, but you yourself have created this feeling of loneliness for a purpose, consciously perceived or not. Well, if you created it, you also have the power to un-create it, to change it. Switch your mind past the failing bonds you perceive around you and focus on the interconnectedness of everything within creation. See beyond the short-sightedness of the senses of the physical. Feel your place within the universe. Concentrate on what you have to do, what you feel is right for you to do, whether anybody agrees with it or not. You do not need human approval if you already have universal approval!

Other than that, if you want to stick with your feeling of loneliness, if you don't want to do anything about it, then that is fine as well. If it makes you happy to feel lonely, then go ahead and enjoy. If it doesn't make you happy and you don't want to change it, then prepare to continue to be miserable.

Loneliness is a road sign that is asking you to make a decision which way you want to go. You're in the driving seat, you choose.

November 2004