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Having enjoyed the extra infantry training and obviously feeling very fit because of it, I was totally taken back one evening on reading the Company orders. It read that along with a Private Marquis, I had to report to the cookhouse, where we were to be trained as regimental cooks. This is one job that I did not wish to do and if at all possible, I was going to try and get out of it. The other lad to be trained as a cook was man of quite a big build named Arnie Marquis, who came from Blackpool and like myself, was a fellow national serviceman. I knew Arnie by sight, from being in the rival Arroyo Platoon, during square bashing days at Fulwood Barracks. I did not know then, but of all the funniest times I had in the forces, Arnie Marquis would be involved. With a feeling of reluctance and constant Mickey taking by my fellow roommates, Arnie and I reported to the cookhouse as instructed. We reported to the senior NCO in charge of the cookhouse, a Corporal Mahoney, he took one look at us and dispatched us to the vegetable room. Our job was to prepare vegetables for cooking, at all meal times, for the two Companies that were stationed at Westwick Camp. This was a complete skivvy job and it became obvious from the outset, that Corporal Mahoney had no intention of teaching Arnie and I cooking. Luckily for us while in the U.K. potato peeling was done by machines, half a sack of potatoes could be put in these machines and would be scraped of skin in about ten minutes. The vegetable room had two of these machines, and the potatoes we put in were usually quite big, but by the time Arnie and I took them out, they would be half the size. Nothing could be taken seriously with Arnie whatsoever, we had competitions, where we used a pan like strainer, for throwing and catching diced vegetables, the last vegetable in the strainer winning. This competition was daily with diced vegetables, all over the place, sometimes Arnie would say, “I’m sick of this.” Then he would open the window and throw vegetables into the cornfield, he did it all with a deadpan face and if you did not know him, you would think he was serious. Believe me, it was a very amusing experience being in his company and I would not swap that memory for the world. I made it my aim, to get out of the cookhouse job come what may and this became no easy task. On numerous occasions I went on Company Orders, for an interview with the Officer Commanding (S) Company. I would be marched into the office at the double by CSM Kershaw, where the O.C. would listen to my request and then give his decision on the spot. I am positive he was influenced by the CSM, because all my requests were of no avail and also it’s a known fact, CSM’s run the companies. Arnie also hated working in the cookhouse, but strangely enough, he never went on O.C. orders to get out. We knew from the star, that Corporal Mahoney, although an amusing man, was also a bit of a rogue. Arnie struck a deal with him, that if we gave him ten shillings a week (50P) instead of working at weekends, we would get 36-hour passes, for going home. This suited Arnie more than myself, because he had not been married long before his call up and obviously wanted to get home as much as possible. The only time we saw Corporal Mahoney in the vegetable room, were when he came in rubbing his hands to get his one pound bribe, very much like Euriah Heap in David Copperfield. The regiment had quite a number of national servicemen who were married and it was a very traumatic time, not only for them, but also for their wives and girl friends at home. Many a romance and marriage, were broken, during my time in the forces and no doubt for hundreds of others over the years, which was sad really. Our big moment in the cookhouse came at meal times, when Corporal Mahoney would shout Arnie and I into the Mess hall, to help serve out the food. This was the highlight of our stay in the cookhouse, because we always made tracks, for serving out the mashed potatoes or custard. I personally preferred serving out the mash potatoes. In serving out the mash, we used a scoop similar to the utensil for putting ice cream in cones. As the soldiers, came round the dinner counter, with his plates in each hand. I would scoop up, the hot mashed potatoes and drop it on their thumbs and listen for the utterance aaah. All done to absolute perfection, without may I add, looking up at all. Their troubles would not be over yet, because having received sponge pudding on their other plate. They now headed for the hot custard and Arnie Marquis, with a ladle type of large spoon; he would swish the custard round the plate. It was done in such a way, that it would swirl over the thumb that held the plate. The bad language and comments that followed, came out of the top drawer and believe me they were hilarious. We always did it with our berets pulled down to our eyebrows and always with no expression on our face. No one had time to stop and make an issue of it, because of the many in the queue waiting to be served. Most thought it was their own fault and once bitten twice shy as the saying goes. To keep a straight face throughout all the juggling that was going on was truly masterful. Sometimes I would be on the custard and Arnie on the mashed potatoes, but it didn’t make any difference about the outcome, because we swapped each other’s techniques and most definitely too perfection. Not once during our stay in the cookhouse, did anyone pull us up for what had happened in the dinner queues. This was perhaps due to Arnie and I, keeping our berets pulled down to our eyebrows, for non- recognition purposes and we also never did it to our mates. As you the reader are now aware it certainly was amusing and if it were shown on television in this day and age, the viewers would be doubled up laughing. For some reason or another Corporal Mahoney did not like Arnie and I, putting meals away for our own consumption. So whenever he was not in the vicinity, we always made certain, we got first pick of the meals that had been prepared. If not, we would get what was left over, after the hungry mass had finished. This was the only perk we had and we made sure the opportunity did not pass us by. One day when (S) Company were going on a scheme on the moors, it coincided with Corporal Mahoney having a day off and for this reason the usual horrible stew could not be made. So Arnie and I, were given the job of making piles of sandwiches. With Corporal Mahoney away, we raided his out of bounds larder, where he had stashed away cheese and tins of ham. The likes of which, nobody in the Company had seen for quite sometime, especially since Corporal Mahoney was in charge of the cookhouse! All the cheese and ham that was piled up on the shelves was used up, in making the mountain of sandwiches, and believe me it was well worth it. Everyone returning from the scheme, all commented that it was the best food ever they had eaten, while on schemes and this gave us great satisfaction. Although the following day, Corporal Mahoney moaned and groaned about us going into his beloved larder and helping ourselves, he welcomed, the compliments he received on the food served up. It is not often you see rats, but one day, a big rat came scurrying across the floor of the kitchen, being chase by two cooks. The rat ran into a type of inside drain, which was about eight feet in height. At the top of the pipe was a manifold, with smaller pipes leading in. One of the cooks, with scalding hot water in a pan; climbed a ladder and poured the water down the manifold into the pipe. I heard a loud scream, the likes of which I have never heard before or since. As the rat flew out of the bottom of the pipe, the other cook was waiting with a sweeping brush and killed the rat, or should I say put it out of its misery, with one almighty swipe. Five weeks had gone by since my posting to the cookhouse; the Company was being built up to full strength. This was, because we were now a rifle company, until the regiment returned from the Cameroons. All the added build up to (S) Company came from the last national servicemen being trained at Fulwood Barracks. At that time (S) Company had been designated a new O.C. a Major Elliot. I again went on Company Orders, to see Major Elliot. It was the only time, anyone had taken notice of what I was saying, he said, and did have the job displayed, on the company daily orders for anyone who wished to apply. It was certainly very obvious from the tone and interruptions by CSM Kershaw that he did not approve of me getting out of the cookhouse. Equally Major Elliot gave me the impression that he didn’t take to kindly being dictated too, by the CSM. My luck was in and they got two volunteers, one lad was named Ralph Morgan and the other Peter Hawkes. Both lads had just joined the regiment from doing their basic training at Fulwood. I got to know both of them quite well in later days and, they were two grand lads. Their cooking days would start, on the regiment’s arrival in the Cameroons. Thanks to me, mine and Arnie’s days in the cookhouse, would finish, the day the battalion left Barnard Castle on embarkation to the Cameroons. It could not come quick enough believe me, our dear friend Corporal Mahoney, said he was glad to see the back of us, this of course was mutual to say the least.
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