(These witticisms have been gleaned from all over the place, too many to list all but my thanks to all who submitted)
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
Change is inevitable....except from a vending machine
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime artist, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?