Summer of Sam
exclusive from the forthcoming autobiography!
"Why bloody ring me"
he said " Why me!". I told him straight.... "Because
I can't get hold of Joe ".
"Wales?" He said . "If I go back they'll cut off
my eyebrows and torch my nobblers".
I reassured him. "No way!, you watch me - I'll take over the club and tell the press I'm going to ditch the club name and change the badge from bluejay thing to a bloke waving a shooter, you know, like in Lock, Stock and Bollocks. While the local papers are faking the results of the internet poll, you're eased through the back door - no one notices! - Crafty eh?".
I tell him my strategy . "With me in charge, we'll be the New Wales Army on search and destroy - Beirut all over again!".
Then the whining started, you know, how I'd never get away with it, so I told him I'd already discussed my plans with this local bloke I know who used to be in the travel business. This guy says you can tell Cardiff fans anything and they'll believe you. I laughed, "What you mean?" I say. " No-one believed what you said at your trial!" . Big laugh about it - no-one upset.
Next minute he was crying down
the phone. I cheer him up with my account of meeting the City
board.
What loonies! - there I was with my business plans and OP (that's
overhead projector to you), and all they could do was sob about
some 'Mister X' all the time.
I said who's this X-Man, let me
talk to him but they all went quiet. All hush hush, name could
not be mentioned, claiming Big X was busy trying to buy the Minnowdi
Formula 1 team or something.
I said "Yes!! And camels can piss through the eye of a needle."
But some bald chappie swore it was true, because it was in the paper. "So was the kebab I bought in Caroline Street last week", I said - "you wannna swallow that too?".
That night I thought - Sod those directors and their Big X-Man, all I need is the fans on my side and SHABOOM! - the club is mine!. But who could I rely on to peddle my wares and be dumb enough to believe all? I got out of bed and called insider from City supporters club. I requested hush hush pow wow with all the fans. I couldn't understand him much, he was using a scrambler to disguise his voice.
I ask him how many will show up at the meeting , and he says about seventeen. "Seventeen! is that all!- what about the 1926 club and all the fans from North Wales" I said. He paused for a second then says "all right ....nineteen". I was pretty disappointed with my hushedy hush insider from the City supporters club.
"I thought you were the spokesman for the Bluebirds - I mean you're on Radio 5 all the time and have the ear of the local media" I exclaimed."I know", he says,"It's costing me a fortune".
I go to bed, but was then woken by call on my mobile from some journalist. Apparently he's the top youth writer in all of Wales and wanted to do an article on me for the BBC. He told me he's only 19 years old & has already hundreds of fine books in print. Suddenly I hear ear splitting shriek, like a man dying in agony. Alarmed, I say " What's happening - are you mainlining horse through japs eye?".
"No No No", he said, " just listening to my Catatonia tapes !". I slammed down the phone. We don't need that kind of cheap publicity here! Anyway - the deal is through now, and just stick with me Bluebirds, because we'll be up that table lickety spit!.
Next Instalment: How I wrote Harry
Potter and poisoned the Youth Team with Anthrax for a joke.