If you have a sound card and Real Audio on your browser, Click for sound to hear No.4: Nellie the Nit Nurse.
I. OVERTURE
The class enters. Mayhem.
II. THERE'S A TERRIBLE STENCH
IN THE CLASSROOM
Someone shouts 'He's coming!'. A scramble to line up.
There's a terrible stench in the classroom
It's our new stink bomb
And Sir with a frown
Comes to narrow it down
And of course he gets it wrong
He says 'This smell is disgusting
Open a window please
Is it somebody's feet?
Or a polecat on heat?
Or a rotting Stilton cheese?
When I let you put up your wall display
Did you use fish paste?
Well I can't say I'm surprised
For I should have supervised
But consider yourselves disgraced!
If it's drifted down from the Chemistry labs
I'll go up there and raise Cain!
Do we need a bod
From Dyno-Rod
To come and unblock a drain?
Has it sidled in from the kitchens
A typical school dinner stew?
No I'll be quite direct
And suggest
With respect
That I think
I detect
And in short
I suspect
My little ones: IT'S YOU!'
Our teacher is no fool
He's phoned up the clinic and got 'em
To come round quick
'Cos he thinks we are sick
And examine us all
From the top
To the bottom!
TEACHER
Alphabetical order!
Line up by the wall!
I'll have you all back at four o'clock
If anyone talks at all!
KIDS
Alphabetical order!
Line up by the wall!
We're only doing Maths
So we don't care at all!
TEACHER
And now you can all be quiet!
You've had your little joke.
I'm going along to the staffroom...
KIDS
For a cup of tea and a smoke!
III. IF I'D KNOWN
Indignation in several groups.
If I'd known I'd have changed my underpants.
If I'd known I'd have put some on!
If I'd known my Mum would have darned my vest.
It's all a rotten con!
If I'd known I'd have missed the special bus.
Or maybe stopped off sick.
If I'd known I'd have had a puncture.
It's all a rotten trick!
Cheat!
Con!
Trick!
I'd have mised the bus or stopped off sick
Trick!
Cheat!
Con!
I'd have changed my pants or put some on
Con!
Trick!
Cheat!
I'd have cleaned my teeth and washed my feet
And darned my vest and brought a comb
If I'd known
If I'd known
If I'd known!
I'd have stopped the clocks if I had known:
I could have stopped in bed.
I'd have changed my socks if I had known.
Or left them off instead.
I'd have raked my ears if I had known.
Or maybe squeezed a spot.
I'd have tried on the tears if I had known
About this rotten plot.
Cheat!
Con!
Trick!
etc.
(Teacher enters and hands out forms.)
TEACHER
These forms have got your names on
And you're going to need them.
You hand them to the doctor
But you're not to try to read them.
(They do anyway.)
Did you just hear what I said!?
Just stay where you are.
Except for you - and you - and you:
Go help unload the car.
(Doctor enters.)
Good morning good morning good morning!
Keep them as long as you like.
It's really quite helpful, in a way:
Less marking for me tonight!
(Teacher goes. Three lads struggle in with a screen and other medical-looking items.
The Doctor begins by examining heads.)
DOCTOR
This head is quite revolting!
It couldn't be much worse!
His hair seems to be moulting.
I'll pass him on to Nurse.
Next.
Now here's a different story:
I can see down to the wood!
Everything hunky-dory
And looking as it should.
But just a minute, sonny!
Let me check again
And run my probing fingers
Through your well-trimmed mane
Is that a patch of dandruff
Or ringworm in the bud?
I'll pass him on to Nellie Nurse:
I really think I should.
IV. NELLIE THE NIT NURSE
Enter Nellie. Huge and motherly.
Nellie the Nit Nurse
Smiles at her loves
Plunges her hands
Into thick rubber gloves
Lean to her bosom
Large as an alp.
Feel her soft fingers
Caressing your scalp
Nellie, we love you
We'll say it in verse
Heavens above, you're
Our favourite Nurse.
Nellie, we're touched
By your simple delight
In putting the finger
On each parasite
Nellie the Nit Nurse
Turned out so neat
Alter for the patter
of verminous feet.
Always so pleasant;
Never gets ratty
We go and see Nellie
When we're feeling chatty [dialect=verminous]
Nellie, we love you
We'll sing in this poem
More strength to your elbow
And your curry comb
Nellie, we'd miss you
If ever one day
You were replaced
By an aerosol spray.
(Nellie weeps at the thought.)
Staying at home?
Wouldn't be fair
Nothing to do
But wash your hair
On your own?
Feeling blue?
Well, we all care
And we need you
(Nellie is comforted)
Nellie the Nit Nurse
Smiles through her tears
And such a smash-hit Nurse
Has no need for fears
Let her inspection
Go straight to your heart
For she is perfection
In every part.
Nellie, we love you
This song shows it's true
So break out a bottle
of coal tar shampoo
And drink a toast
She is the most:
A rosebud, a petal
And celebrate
For she is great
Perfumed with Dettol
Nellie
We love you
We love you
We love you
Dearest Nellie...
ONE KID (adoring) And she does verrucas too!
(Nellie departs on cloud nine.)
DOCTOR
Very nice, I'm sure
Really most affecting.
I think we'll do the eye test next
And what we are detecting
Is colour sensitivity -
Your response to reds and greens -
And here's the man from Old Japan
To provide the ways and means.
V. THE EYE TEST
Dr Shinobu bears a huge Isihara colour test chart. He profers it to the class with extreme politeness. During the number the kids try it every which way up, but mustn't get it the right way up till the end.
Dr Shinobu Ishihara
Did Mankind the greatest kindness
From Timbuktu to the hot Sahara
They use his tests for colour blindness
You tried them first as tiny tots
And so they come as no surprise
Lots and lots of coloured dots
Which give you spots before the eyes
They really make you blink and gape
And Ishihara's art is
To hide the outline, sink the shape
In a tide of coloured Smarties
And if your sight is not A.l.
You miss their several hues
And curse the Land of the Rising Sun:
You're baffled and confused
But if your vision's quite correct
You quickly get a grip on these
And feel you merit great respect:
You've solved them all with Nippon-ease!
'My patterns lurk in hiding
They're only known to me:
You've got to work deciding
Just what they're meant to be
Is this a spray of blooming cherry?
The lower slopes of Fujiyama?
A stern-flrst view of the Tokyo ferry?
Or smokey Yokohama?
(The chart comes right way up, revealing the pretty lady.)
It's as plain as your nose
It is Tokyo Rose:
A geisha, a pride of our nation.
I can't help but snigger:
I'd hidden her figure
With skilful and wily
Orientation.
(Bows and goes.)
TEACHER
Doctor, have you found out
Where that smell is lurking?
DOCTOR
Please don't interrupt me:
Can't you see I'm working?
I cannot stop to chat or rest
I get through with efficiency
It's time to do the hearing test
For auricular deficiency
The Audiometrician might give us some hope
I cannot do anything more
They've bunged up the end of my auriscope
With wax enough to polish a floor!
VI. THE EAR TEST
The Audiometrician is manic, slamming the headset around his victims' ears, etc.
Time was when they measured your hearing
By whispering close to your ear
Or batting your skull with a tuning fork
While you said "Gerroff!" or "Here here!"
But now all of that is redundant
We live in an age of precision
No more Ear Nose and Throat
So put on a white coat
For the Audiometrician.
So hand round the cans or the headphones
Don't throttle yourself with the wire
If your able to hear
Bang the table, my dear;
We'll start Sweet and Low
And then we'll go higher
One day his machine blew a gasket
And a vital wire worked loose
As he turned up the gain
It came straight from the main
And tapped him and zapped him
With strong current-juice
The effect was quite simply electric
Every hair on his head stood erect
He expressed his surprise
With a flash of his eyes
As he fell to the ground
He was bound to connect
(Flashes, etc. as the Audiometrician writhes.)
At last a fuse blew and released him
With ear lobes quite roasted and hot
And every last volt
Brought him up with a jolt
And taught him precisely
Just watt was watt
(The shock treatment transforms him to docility.)
So now he is kindness in person
Since he had E.C.T. from his box
He heard the last trumpet
And toasted his crumpet
So some good has come
of the rudest of shocks.
(A bell rings.)
KIDS
Alphabetical order!
Our feet begin to ache.
Can't we go for a you-know-what?
And Sir, we're missing break!
TEACHER
Good Lord, is that the time?
Well upon my soul!
I hope I'm not too late
To get the last fig roll.
I find them really toothsome -
Now: it occurs to me
Their teeth are really gruesome:
Is that what it could be?
VII. MR GLINT THE DENTIST
Mr Glint takes a victim behind the screen, which lights up to show horrible happenings in silhouette.
Mr Glint
Has a heart of flint
His manner is quite chilling
You could throw in the towel
When he takes his dental trowel
And pokes around in your filling
He can even set you quailing
With a routine check-and-scaling
You will feel quite sick at heart
And you'll find that's no illusion
As he ticks off each occlusion
Upon your dental chart
Just the whining of his drill
Can make you feel quite ill
(Put your head between your knees)
So mouth a silent prayer
As you climb into his chair
That he'll wait for your jaw to freeze.
One! Two!
One Two Three!
Better have something soft for tea
Four and
Then it's five!
Will you leave his chair alive?
Mr Glint
Has eyes that squint
And a manner nearly manic
And he is most exacting
Only happy when extracting
So when he gets you - panic!
For if you moan and whimper
You will only make him simper
At your conduct unbecoming
And when you writhe and wriggle
He just gives a happy giggle
And all the time - he's humming!
Though your screams are quite pathetic
He won't give you anaesthetic
No he simply will not wear it
For what's a little pain
To the cost of Novocane?
So you have to grin and bear it
Six out
Soon be seven
Eight, Nine, Ten and then Eleven
Twelve! Thirteen!
And one more
That's cleaned out your lower jaw
When at last your torture's finished
And your agony's diminished
He hands you mouthwash pink
It doesn't taste good
But it hides the blood
When you spit out in the sink
Though the throbbing of your gums
Shows you're not the best of chums
And your oozing root canals
Show you're not the best of pals
He really has the cheek
Since every empty socket
Is a pound straight in his pocket
To say "Same time
Next week!"
(Another bell.)
KIDS
Alphabetical order!
Oh Sir, we're missing Drama
(solo) Me Mum's expecting me home to lunch
And I don't want to alarm her!
DOCTOR
Your ordeal's nearly over
But please undo your shrts
And let your braces dangle
Or I'll twang them where it hurts
VII. FINALE
We've a deep-seated fear of the Doctor
Doctors have cold hands
And they go to town
When your clothing's down
They palpate your little glands!
Is his stethoscope in the ice-box?
Will he slip it up your vest?
Raise your goose pimples
Level your dimples
Freeze the hairs right off your chest
Then they put an ear to your rib cage
Play the washboard on your spine
Or tune in to your digestion
Hear your bronchial congestion
Make you murmur "Ninety-nine"?
And now that he's shown up in person
Our nerves begin to crack
For a medical inspection
Always ends in an injection
What's he got behind his back?
(The doctor produced a very large syringe.)
And now the sad truth's in the open
We all begin to cringe
Now this simply isn't cricket
We could tell him where to stick it
It's a hypodermic syringe
(Nellie bustles in with a clutch of forms.)
NELLIE
I've got the results of your last week's tests
When we simply scratched your arm
It's strange how all things can turn out for the best
These children won't come to harm
They don't need treatment subcutaneous
Omit it with impunity
As a waste, and quite extaneous
- They have natural immunity
DOCTOR
The same cannot be said for you
So I prescribe for your protection
A course to start at once; you're due
For a gluteal injection
I'm calling the shots, so please don't protest
Regard me in the light of a friend
I'm sure you'll agree it's all for the best
And things will be right in the end.
(Teacher is led beind the screen, which light up to show the darts match in shadow play.)
If you have a sound card and Real Audio on your browser, Click for sound to hear No.4: Nellie the Nit Nurse.