Ass Coach Corner

Got a problem? No one else can help? Then ask the ass. coach, Paul Malfatti!
Expanding his role as assistant coach to the Titans, Paul has agreed to take on the role as the club agony uncle.

Click the ass coach to ask him a question

Ass Coach will try to answer your question as quickly as possible.

Robert from New York asks: What should I do if my team mates tie me to the bed when I go on hockey tour?
Rob I know your game asking this question and I would like to say that I will not rise to your childish and immature behaviour.
So in closing: Kiss my big white ginger haired ass, you soft, no good, shandy drinking, Yankee son of a bitch!

PS - I would appreciate it if you do not kick my ass next time I see you!
PPS - See you in Vegas baby!
PPPS - Leave the tape at home!

Hope I have been of ASSistance!

ASS COACH

Gareth of no fixed abode (usually a nurses' hall of residence) asks: Teach me the art of scoring.
The wrath of the goal drought is an horrendous burden to bare and I only hope that I can provide some ASSistance in remedying your problem. Please feel free to incorporate any of the following into your future strategy:

Try as much to play like our current supremo aka Ibrahim who is banging in goals aplenty. Be warned, this may involve using his risque technique of threatening to send anthrax to opposing goaltenders. I would suggest that you be-friend coach Ibs and attempt to tap into his middle East contacts in order to do this. Wearing a turban may also help matters considerably.

Take a leaf out of our old friend David (Dease)Owen. It would appear that in order to play to a professional standard you have to
adopt a frankly stupid skating style that involves hunching your shoulders, hopping like a fairy and hanging your tongue out in a
laughable manner. Developing a hideous fake check deke is also beneficial. However, be warned this is a strategy that will open you to ridicule.

Adapt Clarky's scoring touch with women to the game of ice hockey.

My last and frankly best advice is to carry on as you are. That would be to keep not scoring and not assisting. Instead, keep
robbing points off other players like you do each game to achieve your unbelievable points record.

Dalcim of Barry asks: Where can I get a pre-game massage?
Dear friend, firstly I would like to say that the pre game massage ranks up there with pre game pasta, pre game stretching, pre game steroids and so on. Here are my suggestions;

The most obvious answer would be to visit one of Cardiffs many massage parlours. However, be warned, women of the night do not come cheap and are about as hygenic as Hubback's jock strap!

A cheaper alternative would be to contact our in team rent boy, the one and only Dave 'Diggler' Mooney. However, be warned, the boy is none too pretty and may try and stamp his Butt F*ck Legend status upon your ASS!

A ropy alternative would be to approach resident team Doc, Ronald Keerman. Although I am dubious about his claims to be a GP, I advise you give him the benefit of the doubt and let him see if he can reach the parts other Doctors cannot. However, be warned, if he trys to give you a massage of the naked body rub variety you must grab your gear and run. By, this I do not mean that Ronald is an unattractive fella, but let us not forget he wears the biggest belly warmer Y-fronts you have ever seen and uses a home made shower gel that looks mysteriously like the the replacement for 100% Mint Source, that is; 100% Spunk Source (for a new tingly sensation shower experience).

Hope I have been ASSistance,

ASS COACH!

Previous questions for the ass. coach

Gareth from Cardiff asks: After a game or training what is better to eat?

kebab
1/2 cheeseburger
chicken in bun
pasta
mars bar or similar?

My dietician needs to know the answer
Ass Coach says: Ah! The old food dilema. I'll need to consult my good friend Jamie Oliver before I answer. I'll get back to you.

David from Cardiff asks: WHERE CAN I GET SOME OF THAT CHAMBON? IT IS A SUPERB BEVERAGE, DO YOU AGREE?
Ass Coach says: What the hell are you on about?!

Question: If a girl pours beer over you in a pub, should you do the same thing to her?
Ass Coach says: Oh yes! Make sure you waste at least half a bottle of Bud when doing so, ensuring that she gets the message.

Question: How do I skate faster?
Ass Coach says: No idea - I'm waiting for someone to tell me.

Question: Seth. Cool name or what?
Ass Coach says: For real.