Aside from helping your partner through this period, you will
have the additional burden of grappling with your own anxieties - and, perhaps,
those of your children. Partners will often experience the anguish of redundancy
as much as the job seeker.
Much of the following advice may appear to be common sense;
some of it may appear difficult to put into practice. But even for the most
difficult problems there is comfort to be gained by merely being aware that they
may arise; and from being able to reassure yourself that your reactions to the
experience are shared by the many other people who have had to face redundancy.
FACING UP TO LOSS
While the overall effects of redundancy depend upon
individual circumstances, the loss of a job is initially, for most of us,
absolutely devastating. When someone loses their job, they lose many other
things that are important to them : their confidence, their sense of security,
even their dignity. The way they perceive themselves and the way others perceive
them can change radically.
As their partner, you also will sense some of these emotions
and time is required for an understanding of the impact of this significant
change.
RELIEF.
For many, the announcement of redundancy comes not so much as
a bolt from the blue but as a final nail in the coffin after a long period of
uncertainty and instability – and can initially bring great relief.
It may mean the end of a boring job, of an over- heavy workload involving
long hours, or of a difficult personality clash with a colleague.
A sense of numbness normally follows, where very little is
felt emotionally. There may be a
feeling of being overwhelmed, being unable to make plans, unable to reason, to
understand; and even disbelief – ‘this can’t be happening to me!’.
A sense of loss may also be felt at this stage – loss of
status, loss of structure to the working day, loss of being part of a team, loss
of job satisfaction, loss of security and loss of personal identity.
SEARCHING & DENIAL
Once the shock is over, it is often followed by some form of
searching - an identity search “for the real me”, for example, or a survival
search “for a new means of survival”. Searching for a new ideal is, after
all, a perfectly natural, and healthy response from someone whose self-image and
self-confidence have been severely damaged by redundancy. By considering new
ideals and new opportunities, your partner has a chance of regaining much of the
lost impetus, as well as repairing their self-esteem.
“He got this
crazy idea that if we could sell the house and go abroad everything would work
out - but I think he knew deep down that this was not the answer”
Another common response at this stage is denial. Some people
block things out, continuing to work as hard, or even harder at the workplace.
This manifests itself in comments such as “I have to leave it in good order”
or “I must finish my reports”.
Often the next stage is anger. The person may blame others
for what has happened to them, focusing their anger on their boss, the person
who announced the redundancy, senior managers, the government, the EU or the
world economy. Alternatively, the anger may be turned towards family members.
“She had invested all that hard work into that company, and this was all the
thanks they could give her”
This anger may be intense, all consuming emotion which the
person may be unused to feeling and have great difficulty in expressing.
TESTING
OPTIONS
The person will now begin to consider realistic and feasible
career options, tentatively trying out routes to a new career, exploring the
market, trying out new tactics and targeting new areas where their strengths and
experience can be used.
It is usually not a good idea
to keep the redundancy a secret. It’s better to let your family and friends
know what is happening. They may even be able to help.
Your children: Unless
they are very young you will find that openness with your children is essential.
Also, because it is such a small world, tell your children as soon as possible
before they hear it from someone else. If you try to hide the situation from
them they will sense that something is wrong, and it will then be far more
difficult to allay the fear, anxiety and insecurity that they may feel. However,
talking it through with them, in appropriate depth for their age, will make them
feel included and part of a close family.
Your family: It
generally helps to confide in your family - unless, of course, it would be
inappropriate - for example, if they are particularly frail or unwell. Not only
is trying to hide the problem from your family likely to be extremely stressful,
you would be cutting off a potentially strong source of emotional and practical
support.
Your friends;
Redundancy is no longer a dirty word, but you may still find that some people do
not understand your situation or concerns, or are too embarrassed to raise the
issue with you. You will probably find that far more people are caring and
supportive than not.
When socialising you will find it easier if you bring up the subject
immediately. Not only will you then not be waiting for the dreaded question -
“any luck on the job front’” - when the answer may well be no, but you
will avoid the problem of friends feeling uncomfortable about your situation.
Unfortunately though, this is
a time when you will discover who your real friends are. Some, whom you thought
of as close friends will drift away or will be too embarrassed to call you; and
others will unexpectedly offer a tidal wave of support that will almost knock
you off your feet.
If you do find certain friends let you down, put it down to experience.
Remember, it’s difficult for people who haven’t been in the same situation
to really understand what you are going through.
When mountain climbers attempt
to climb a mountain they attach themselves to each other by a rope so that if
one falls, the other is in a position to help them back onto the mountain. In
many ways, close relationships during a time of job search are similar. It’s
crucial that you bolster up your partner at this time.
Encourage them to express any feelings of anger, frustration or sadness.
By helping them to “let off steam” you are preventing them from bottling up
emotions which could emerge later.
Listen carefully to them.
Being more demonstrative in your show of love and affection help them to feel
loved, needed and important. Remember, you’re both in this together: there’s
nothing wrong with having a good moan together every now and again; you might
even try having a good laugh about it all - it can do wonders!
When your partner is at a low
ebb, always emphasise their strong points. Reassure them of their abilities and
experience. Also, re-focus them on the really important things in life your
health, your children and each other.
Be accepting of their state of
mind, whether upset, angry or frustrated. Offer
a willing ear to listen to complaints and frustrations. Don’t try to solve
their problems, simply listen and encourage them. Commiserate with them when
they feel miserable, stand by them when their self-confidence is waning. Above
all, try not to criticise or condemn.
Supporting your partner at a time like this requires resources you may
have thought you never had - but you do have them. It means putting their needs
first, even when you don’t feel like it. No matter how frustrating it can be
at times, try never to show any unwillingness to do what your partner wants you
to do.
All in all, take each day as
it comes. Don’t expect too much, too quickly, from either your partner or
yourself.
SANDERS AND SIDNEY ARE CAREER
CONSULTANTS IN LONDON
TELEPHONE 0207 663 6633