Beer 

 
What could there be in life more important than beer?  Beer is your friend, it listens to whatever you have to say and it never grasses you up afterwards, a bit like a priest really but without any of that boring religious stuff.  Not only that instead of making you feel guilty and perform penance for your crime, beer not only forgives you but also helps you to forget the nasty incident in the first place.   Yes beer really is your best friend.  My top ten best friends of all time though are:
 

Enville Gothic - Enville Ales,  With it's inky black colour, treacle consistency and rich chocolatey flavour and texture, this incredible stout caresses your tongue before dancing down your throat and begging you to take another sip.  And it gets you pissed too.  Alas, Enville is a two horse, one pub town in a pleasant back water of the West Midlands that time forgot, and it's distribution is fairly local, but if you like stout, don't go to Dublin, make the pilgrimage to the Cat at Enville during the winter months and sample this king of beer (I don't care if Budweiser did copyright that, Gothic deserves it, you don't, sue me)
 
Bishop's Tipple - Gibbs Mew, A very rich, sweet, fruity pint, much better on draught than in bottles. At 6.5%ABV you wouldn't want to be on it all day, but you can't beat it for a lunchtime pint or two by the fire in the Cloisters, Salisbury on a saturday whilst reading the paper.  Unfortunately Gibbs Mew is now closed so I don't know whether this exists as a draught beer any more.

 

Guinness - Guinness,  Hmmm... anyone not heard of this?  Found in every bar from Newbury to Newfoundland, varies greatly in quality for some reason from watery with a slight head and fairly brown at various NAAFI bars to the thick, dark version with the firm white creamy head served by anywhere capable of looking after their beer.  Also features squirrels in their advertising, so can't be all bad.  Clover or not, 119.5 seconds if you insist, you just can't turn it down.
 
T.E.A - Hog's Back Brewery,  My highest rated session bitter, I can't say that I've had an awful lot of it, the stuff I did sample in the George in Farnborough was great though.  It always tastes better on a friday afternoon with the weekend coming and BAe's software to sabotage after a few too many, but you just can't help yourself.  Give in.

 

Elephant Beer - Carlsberg, Ah.. echoes of my youth when duty-free limits meant you could only bring back small quantities of beer, so you'd better make sure the stuff you did bring back was strong enough to dilute down into two beers, persih the thought.  It does the job splendidly without tasting like a lager homebrew kit before you add the water (Carlsberg Special Brew). 
 
Abbot Ale - Greene King, Another premium bitter, real ale and sponsored Ipswich Towns third kit last season, with that kind of patronage how could I say a word against it?  Well.. It doesn't seem to travel too well and being real ale, there are few places that can shift enough of it to make it a going concern, having said that I have had very reasonable pints in many different Hogshead pubs as a guest beer.  For the real thing though you have to travel to Suffolk and sample it at it's non-fizzy, non-headed, no frills best.

 

Pig Swill - Bunce's Brewery, Another real ale. this time brewed by Stig the master brewer who got bored of Danish lager and thought he'd come and contribute to the real ale effort.  He also trades under the name of Netheravon Ales and has many different seasonal brews as well as a few regulars.  Any time you can get to his brewery it's worth a visit, as here is a man who enjoys his work.
 
Black Adder - ?, Really nice stout, turned up at a real ale and jazz festival in Salisbury once, spent a whole book of beer tickets on it and haven't a clue who makes it, where it came from, or how I got home.

 

Kronenbourg 1664 - Kronenbourg, You might have tried it, it's reassuringly widely available and a well-known safe option for ambidrinksterous beer drinkers who just can't face the prospect of another disappointing pint of some dodgy local brewer that went off 6 weeks ago.
 
Newcastle Brown Ale - Scottish and Newcastle,  The one and only, how could I forget?  well very easily after around 10 bottles of "dog".  Still the best hallucinogenic substance I've found to guarantee weird dreams with the possible exception of some cheeses.  I've found 3 to 4 bottles is best, more and you sleep like a noisy log, less and you're wasting a good night out!  Comes in it's own glass and everything, its the dogs.

 

Webster's Yorkshire Bitter - Websters, An honorable mention must be given to Websters Yorkshire Bitter, I know it's mass produced fizzy bitter, but I invested such a huge amount of time and money drinking it in my youth at the Greyhound in Amesbury that I just can't bear not to put it in here somewhere.  I remember being horrified when it hit £1 a pint, amazed that they thought £1.40 was a fair price for a pint and mortified when they sacked my favourite barmaid and I finally had to stop drinking it.
 

Finally one dishonorable mention for the worst beer in the world.  This beer is the limpest, dishwaterish, offensively tasting pint I have ever tasted.  Please steer clear of Arkells 2B, last seen anywhere near Swindon, Wiltshire do yourself a favour and just take my word for it.