"Something Survived... Doh!" Words cannot accurately reflect the travesty that was 'The Lost World'. The film has only special effects to recommend it and this is poor substitute for quality film making. Spielberg has shown in the past how adept he is at controlling composition, suspense and sympathetic characterisation, all these skills have been sharply curtailed to give us a rambling, overblown incoherent mess of a film. Two and a half hours stretched into what feels like a decade. There is little sense of the wonder that enthused in 'ET' or 'Close Encounters', none of the adrenaline of the Indiana Jones films, none of the suspense of 'Duel' or 'Jaws', none of the cinematography in  'Schindlers List'. The lack of quality doesn't stop with Mr Spielberg, although he takes the velociraptor's share of the blame, but extends to virtually everyone involved. The script is atrocious, it's laughable attempts at political correctness are as cringeworthy as 'Temple of Doom's inexcusable misogyny, the foreshadowing is juvenile, the characterisation is defined by off-the-peg stereotypes and the action, for want of a better term, formulaic and unconvincing. And then there is the acting. Dear old Dicky Attenborough should stick to directing crowd scenes. Jeff Goldblum alternates between Brandoesque mumblings (when serious) and gee whiz hyper scientist, his analyst must be a very rich man now. The only redeeming performance comes from Vanessa Lee Chester as the child interest, a wonderful career ahead of her and shot by the starting pistol.  The camerawork is lacklustre and ineffectual, the only two shots of note are derivative of 'Red Sorghum' and 'Suspiria' respectively. Currently it is seen as trendy to use handheld camerawork to emphasise dynamism and audience point of view participation, but even this is sloppy and confusing and appears to have been sprinkled randomly throughout the proceedings without due attention to necessity.
Individual lowlights include:
    (a) the sadistic and extended pursuit/torture of an unsympathetic character ending in an off screen money shot and what looks suspiciously like CGI blood in the water.
    (b) a ludicrous van over the cliff with tyrannosaurus sketch (home of aforementioned decent single Argento shot) that obliterates credibility
    (c) pointless King Kong rampage scene, much touted but ultimately dull...
    (z) totally inadequate bad guy come upance scene.
Honourable mention: Stan Winstons latex dinosaurs were superb, far more organic than their (admittedly impressive) CGI counterparts. Even the music lacked the avant garde primal dominance of its predecessor.
In conclusion 'Jurassic Park: The Lost World' is like censored pornography, it satisfies no-one. As for it's place in the hallowed Halls of Turkeydom, it surely ranks number one. Let's examine the facts and compare 'The Lost World' with 'Plan Nine from Outer Space': 
Cost:  P9 cost less than the M&M's budget for TLW - imagination triumphs over money every time (c.f. The John Carpenter Theory - the quality of a film is inversely proportional to it's budget)
Length:  P9 is less than half the excruciating two and a half hour yawn-a-thon that is TLW. P9 is a lean film, TLW bloated
Auteurship: P9 is part of a clearly defined canon, TLW is a hack job
Script:  P9 has the edge on believable science
Acting:  call it a draw
Enjoyment:  P9 is funny, thought provoking, quotable, infectious and loopy. TLW is humourless, bland, pointless, infected and cynical. It lacks the care, love and affection of a visionary director. No contest.
Action:  The aliens, the dead, the necrophilic perversity of it all. Tor Johnson. Bela Lugosi. Vampira. P9 wins hands, and claws, down.
Special Effects: We'll graciously allow TLW that honour, but only because of Stan Winston.
So, my friends, can you bear the shocking truth about the worst film of all time?