All the seasonal magazines are out: have you checked page 68 of Four Four Two yet?  No, I mean the seasonal magazines offering the television listings up to Easter, which also give the predictions by everyone from Mystic Meg to Yuri Geller on what to expect during the coming year.  Well, just to show willing, I've been looking into my crystal ball for an irreverent look at what could happen over the next 12 months;

January
Tabloid photographs of Francis Jeffers allegedly rolling about the floor of a top London nightclub set the hierarchy at Arsenal gunning for him.  All becomes clear when Sharon Fairhead, a shop assistant from Walthamstow, comes forward to admit that just prior to the incident she had one arm loosely around young Francis' waist.  On his way home from a New Years party, Barnsley's stand-in Manager is pulled up by the Police for speeding.  On seeing that the driver is Glyn Hodges the Policeman, feeling sorry for him, lets him off.  When Mr Hodges arrives home he tells his wife: she replies "So you STILL can't get three points Glyn".

February
A tall dark stranger enters the boardroom at Oakwell and immediately accepts the position of manager: step forward Mick McCarthy.  The crowds turn up to see him paraded through the town in the mayoral Escort XR3 Cabriolet and crowds double as 22,000 see Barnsley win their match in style.  Mick decides to buy a house in Hoylandswaine, but pulls out of the deal at the last minute when he finds out that the Estate agent is Cherry Blain Associates. 

March
Barnsley, with the average gate up to 23,000, begin to rise up the table as McCarthy brings in a couple of players from the local leagues who, inspired, score more goals in a month than the highly paid professionals scored between August and Christmas.  An Andy Marriott-inspired defence become misers, giving nothing away.  Promotion is not an option but the Reds become invincible at home and difficult to master away. 

Mick receives his Manager of the Month award from Ulrika Johnson and immediately denies any impropriety.

April
Unbelievably, results conspire for Barnsley and they are fifth in the table when their new star striker, signed from Athersley Celtic, grabs a hat-trick against the league leaders.  The Reds continue to build on their success and by the end of the month big Mick is looking forward to promotion.  His standing as a manager is without doubt: rumours begin to fly around the town that big summer signings are being lined up but Mick keeps his cards close to his chest. 

May
After a run-in which sees home crowds swell to 30,000, Barnsley are promoted as runners up.  England, struggling to make the European Championships, part company with Sven: all eyes turn to Oakwell.  Mick, given an excellent reference by Ulrika, agrees to discuss options with the F.A. but turns down the job, saying that his work at Barnsley has only just begun.  He returns to Ireland to attend funerals following their worst ever air disaster, where a twin seater aircraft had crashed into a cemetery: rescuers recover 142 bodies. 

June
Barnsley announce that their squad is being strengthened, firstly by jettisoning some of the squad who underachieved during season 2002/03, but also by introducing no fewer that eight new players. 

Continued…..