Planning a family using donor insemination:
a letter from Olivia to would-be DI Parents about "telling"

Dear Would-be DI Parents
Nineteen years ago my husband and I discovered that the only way we would be able to have a child was by using
donated sperm or adopting. After nine months of quietly grieving the child we could not have together, we decided
that donor insemination was the best way forward for us. I was lucky enough to conceive the first time and our son
was born nine months later. It subsequently took five inseminations to conceive our daughter.

Both our children have known about their DI origins since they were very little. It is now common practice to be
open with children about their origins but back in those days our clinic was very surprised when we said we were going to tell them. We made this decision because we couldn't imagine living with a lie about something so important, and we have never regretted this decision. Talking about DI to a child can feel very burdensome to parents, but if you begin early, they accept the facts very easily. In fact they are often more interested in who is coming to play or what they are having for tea. The trick is to keep the language simple and in line with their stage of development and build up the information in small building blocks. Parents, particularly men, worry that a child might reject them when they know that they are not their 'real' father, but our daughter and son are very clear that their Dad is their father, even if they don't have a genetic connection with him.

As teenagers now, each of our children has a different perspective on their DI origins. The eldest, a boy, is not interested in his donor but says that it is very important to him that he has been told the truth. Our daughter is curious about her donor and would like to thank him for giving her life, but despite the fact that she will almost certainly never have this opportunity, she is adamant that we were right to share the information with her.

Telling children about their origins when they are young (even if you can't give them very much information about their donor) is likely to be in their best interests, although it can feel very difficult for parents. It can be tempting to think that you can just have the treatment and go home and forget about it. But ignoring or denying the truth does not make it go away. In fact these things have a tendency to fester and cause much more trouble later, if they are not thought about early on.

These are some of the reasons why 'telling' is important -

• It is respectful of each child (young person, adult) as a unique individual. It is their right to have this information.
• Keeping secrets takes up energy in families which is better spent on close family relationships
• Relationships in families can be threatened by the secret if -
  a. ANYONE else at all knows (and usually someone does)
  b. The man with fertility difficulties (and/or his partner) feels shame about this method of family creation
  c. Unanswered questions or evasive answers, glances between couples or awkward silences create an atmosphere which is felt by the child and others.
  d. The child feels 'different' in some way but having no explanation for this, blames him or herself.
  

• Research has shown that disclosure or finding out about origins in adolescence or adulthood can be damaging to present and future relationships. It is hard to re-establish trust when a person realises they have been lied to for a long time.
• In an 'information age' where DNA testing kits are available through the Internet and many column inches and TV hours are devoted to stories about human genetics, young people who become suspicious about their parentage have many ways of finding out if their genetic connections are as they have been led to believe. Those with suspicions, and who were conceived after August 1991, will be able to check with the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority's (HFEA) register as soon as they are 18, (or 16 if they intend to marry) to see if they were indeed conceived with the aid of donated gametes (eggs, sperm or embryos).
  

The best time to start telling
Many parents say that they feel the best time to tell a child would be when they are old enough to grasp the idea
completely. This is very understandable. Talking to young children about such a personal matter seems a strange idea. However, leaving 'telling' until later can lead to difficulties. For a start you can find yourself unwittingly spinning an increasingly complicated web of lies, both to the child and to others. This can start as soon as your child is born. "Who does s/he look like?" will be the question on
the lips of everyone who coos at your baby. How are you going to answer?

Around the age of eight children reach the stage where they begin to be better able to understand about DI, but
by that time many people (relatives, friends, health professionals) will inevitably have been misled or lied to.

The upset caused by the lie can be much greater than the knowledge of use of donated sperm. Like the offspring themselves, relatives can be very hurt by not being trusted with the truth. Many members of the Network who were convinced that family members would be horrified by the knowledge of their use of donated sperm, have been surprised and delighted at the support they received when
they plucked up the courage to tell.

Children of eight need full explanations with time and opportunities to ask questions in order to completely take in information about DI origins. Many parents might feel completely comfortable doing this, but if you have not talked about the issues for many years there is a danger that you may not be familiar with the language - both to do with DI and sex and reproduction - that you may need to use to help your child understand what they are being told. This unfamiliarity or awkwardness might give your child the message that being a DI child is something to be ashamed of, even if you don't actually say this. Parents who believe, for the very best of reasons, that their child should be the first person to have information about their origins face a similar dilemma, but with an added dimension. The child has the burden of deciding who else should know and being the object of curiosity when these people are told. If, on the other hand, relatives and close friends have known from the beginning - conception or birth - then the child grows up in an accepting atmosphere
where they are highly unlikely to be seen as unusual in any way and can mention their origins without fear of upsetting someone.

Teenage years are not a good time to break the news about DI beginnings. Young people are busy finding out who they are by testing their own and their parents limits. New information which might put in doubt the relationship of trust in the family, is not helpful at this time of great change. We as parents need to be strong and solid for our young people to push against, not pulling the rug out
from under them.

Some parents worry that teenagers are likely to throw the lack of genetic connection back in their faces during a row ... "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real father anyway". I can only say that I have never known this to happen and I think it is because the DI families I know have made it their business to work at good communications between parents and children and that these children know that they can't hurt their parents this way. For an angry teenager it's only worth using a line if it's going to cause pain. If the family is comfortable with the truth around DI, and it is very clear who Dad is in the household, then the so-called insult doesn't have an impact. Odd as it may seem, starting to talk with your child about their DI conception when they are between three and five years old is much easier! I know of some families where they have started talking to their babies about it - just to get comfortable and familiar with the words. Babies of course love to be talked to about anything!

With very best wishes Olivia

The Donor Conception Network was started in 1993 by a group of families who had all chosen to be open with their children about their origins. We wanted to help break the isolation felt by so many people using donor assisted conception methods, and to share our experiences of talking to our children, and to family and friends, about DI and more recently egg donation. We have two national meetings a year, one in London and one in the North of England, produce a Newsletter twice yearly, have a library of books, videos, audio tapes and articles that can be borrowed and, most importantly, we put people in touch with each other.

Network Membership
You can join the network as an individual or a couple. Annual subscriptions are £15 (£5 unwaged). To join download a membership form from the website or simply send a cheque to our PO Box below.

The Donor Conception Network is a registered charity, registration number 1041297

Useful addresses
Donor Conception Network
PO Box 265
Sheffield
S3 7YX
Email: dcnetwork@appleonline.net
Website: www.dcnetwork.org
020 8245 4369

Human Fertilisation and Embryology
Authority 30 Artillery Lane London E1 7LS 0207 377 5077
website: www.hfea.gov.uk

British Infertility Counselling Association
69 Division Street
Sheffield
S1 4GE
Information line: 01342 843880
Website: www.bica.net

There is no charge or cover price for Planning a Family Letters and they are copyright free - you are welcome to copy this leaflet so long as it is not sold. But if you have found it valuable, a donation to the Donor Conception Network, a registered charity, would be most welcome.

Visit www.dcnetwork.org/planfamletters where you can download free copies and find details of costs for bulk orders of printed copies. Single copies can be obtained free by sending an A4 SAE to:

Network Publications PO Box 265 Sheffield S3 7YX

A letter from Olivia to would-be DI Mums [PDF version]

Order form - [printable word version]

[PDF version] You will need version Acrobat Reader Version 5 to open these documents. It is also intended to make web based versions (HTML) available in the future.