Planning a family using egg donation: a letter from Rachel

Dear Would-Be Parents

When I finally met the man I wanted to have children with I was in my early forties. He and I were ready for parenthood but unfortunately my body was not in a state to co-operate. Two attempts at IVF later we were faced with the options of childlessness or using a donated egg from a younger woman in order to create our family. We were considered too old to adopt a baby.

Some people are amazed by the lengths we have gone to in order to have children, but my response is that the alternative - childlessness - was even worse. Often I believe only those people who have suffered the emotional pain of infertility can really understand and these people can be a source of great support.

We are now the parents of three wonderful children conceived through egg donation. A daughter born in 1996 and twins, a boy and a girl, born in 1999 when I was 48.

Of course I was an older woman who could not necessarily have expected to become pregnant easily or at all. Many other women need to use donated eggs because of early menopause, either as a result of treatment for cancer or for a range of complex and sometimes unexplained reasons. For a young woman, finding out that she has lost the capacity to have her own biological child is devastating news. Several Network members have spoken of grieving for their lost sense of womanliness as well as for the children they could not have with their own eggs. One member said, 'I had to grieve for my own lost eggs before I could move on'.

Nevertheless, the temptation for those women producing any eggs at all, however 'poor' their quality, to try one more IVF treatment with their own eggs, is huge.

Like me, Susan, another Network member over 40, was facing her own falling fertility. The way forward for her was to ask herself why not go for egg donation when younger eggs have a much greater chance of success and a much reduced chance of congenital abnormalities.

Yet another member found the lifting of pressure from her biological clock, once she and her partner had made the decision to use donated eggs, very liberating.

Here are some of the other mixed feelings and concerns experienced by Susan, and which may be shared by any woman contemplating egg donation -

How will I cope with the feelings of failure at not being able to conceive with my own eggs, even with IVF?
For Susan the feeling of failure was short-lived. Feelings of sorrow and regret took it's place and, she thinks, will always be with her in some way, although very much in the background. Her euphoria on becoming pregnant, and then a parent, outweighed anything else.

I don't think I can cope with the feeling that I would be carrying another woman's baby..
This feeling is often, but not always, dispelled by actual pregnancy. As Susan said, 'Once I was pregnant I was clear that I was carrying our baby. Another woman had made it possible, yes, but it was my husband's sperm and the embryo was now in my womb. I was very proud to be pregnant.'

Many women have strange dreams and fantasies during the time when they are thinking about and hoping to have a baby. These are recognised as absolutely normal. Those of us needing to use a donated egg are no different but may have fantasies that are stronger and go on for longer. This is almost certainly because of sub-conscious fears about using an egg from an unknown source. These fears often subside with pregnancy and almost always with the birth of a healthy child.

My child won't have any of my genes, won't inherit anything from my side of the family.
This can be a really difficult issue because, genetically, it is true. However, Susan found a way round by turning the question on its head. 'What about all the positive traits my child may take from her donor - like generosity and selflessness for a start!' "

She also rationalised that her child would not have to be burdened by some of her own less than wonderful traits (except of course those learned through living with her!).

By the time I've sorted out all my ambivalent feelings about egg donation, the thought of being on a waiting list for a further two years is too awful.
Susan has some clear advice in this area. 'Some ambivalence may never be resolved and some may only resolve itself on the birth of a child. My advice is not to wait until you have sorted out all your feelings before you even go on the waiting list. You will be 'wasting' valuable time.'

But do some research about clinics. Use the HFEA Guide which lists them. Phone and ask about waiting times. Send for literature from the most promising ones. Take into account accessibility (you will have to go there a lot), staff attitude (on the 'phone, language used in brochures, etc.) and of course, price. Register with two or three clinics to maximise chances of coming to the top of the list. Some members are comfortable registering with clinics that use eggsharing schemes (where women are offered IVF treatment free in return for becoming egg donors); others are not. But the waiting lists in clinics that operate them tend to be shorter. Some members have gone abroad to a country where egg donors are more available.

Waiting Times
Problems with conceiving a child can feel very disempowering. You may feel immense grief and anger at discovering you have to use the eggs of another woman. Having to wait up to two years for a suitable donor to be available can feel as if all power and control has been removed from your life. You are in the hands of others. Here are some suggestions from other women and couples as to how you can remain active and positive during this time:

• Find a well qualified counsellor to talk through remaining issues and to help you both think through the long-term consequences of using donated eggs. Your clinic or the British Infertility Counselling Association can help with this.
• Talk to and link up with other couples in your situation through the Network
• Plan a 'looking after ourselves' project - a piece of work or leisure activity to absorb you both during the waiting time.

Choosing a Donor
All clinics will try to match you with a donor of a similar physical type and blood group. Beyond that, there may or may not be a choice, according to availability and/or clinic policy. One Network couple have spoken poignantly about having to let go of 'trying to create a perfect image of us'. They found that having a little bit of information about potential donors was tantalising but ultimately unhelpful. Now their children are growing up, however, they wish they had more information to pass on to them.

I understand how they feel. It is a source of regret that my children will be unable to find out anything about their donors. We know only their dates of birth because I requested them. It is always worth asking your clinic, either at the time or later, if they would give you as much non-identifying information as possible and maybe afterwards is the right time to have this knowledge. I would love an opportunity to show the donors the wonderful children they helped to create.

Treatment Issues
Even once a donor has been found, things do not always run smoothly. In our case, our first donor did not respond to drug therapy and so the procedure was unable to go ahead. Such a big disappointment felt like a bereavement to me and I was very depressed. Fortunately another donor was found and our wonderful first child was born.

There were several more disappointments and failed cycles before I finally became pregnant with twins. As often happens with multiple births, they were born early, but were robust and soon discharged home.

On talking to many other women and couples who have children by IVF and by IVF/egg donation, I find that these wonderful ups and awful downs, the roller coaster of emotions experienced, are by no means unusual. These are very testing times. Relationships can be strengthened or undermined by them.

What do the men feel?
It's not always easy to tell how men feel as their emotions are often less readily revealed than those of women and typically they find the language of feelings unfamiliar. However, conversations with several dads of children conceived through egg donation, revealed some anger (why us?, and why me? in the case of one man whose own fertility also came under suspicion during the investigation period), but on the whole they seemed to have less (or at least showed less) strong feelings than those experienced by women.

All the men I spoke to were very practical in their approach whilst at the same time being protective of their partner's feelings. Any sense of loss came during the pre-pregnancy time when they feared that they and their partner might not be able to become parents. Pregnancy was greeted with great joy, although experienced by two of the men as a time of high anxiety. One man expressed some, but not acute, sadness that his children did not carry genetic material from his partner and he, like the others I spoke to, found themselves avoiding calling attention to physical likenesses in the family. 'There are some conversations we just don't have' one dad said.

My own husband very much mirrors these sentiments. When one of our donors did not produce any eggs he was disappointed but not as devastated as I was. He adores our children and like all the men I spoke to is a very involved, handson father. But throughout the whole process of investigation, treatment, birth and parenting, his feelings have been less extreme than mine and this has been both a source of irritation and support (ie. only one of us can afford to fall apart here!). Like others, we have had to learn that having different responses is OK, even helpful sometimes.

The joy of becoming parents
It is hard to describe our joy at becoming parents or our sense of debt to our donors. Those not knowing the circumstances cannot understand why we are so besotted with our children and feel the novelty should have worn off by now! However, five years later our feelings are even stronger. I still find it hard to believe, and I always will, that I am a mother solely due to the selfless generosity of two women I will never meet.

Of course not everyone falls in love with their child or children instantly. Bonding often takes a few weeks to fall into place. One couple found themselves feeling very remote from the ecstatic feelings expressed by relatives and friends following the birth of their twins. Pregnancy had been an anxious time and they needed space to adjust to the reality of at last being parents and time to 'tune in' to their babies, before the deep bonds of father and motherhood could be fully felt.

Sharing the information -Who, What and When
I know someone who is adopted and if asked when they first knew they were adopted, replies, 'When did you know you weren't?'

I believe the same can be true with children born as a result of egg donation. All the literature and research suggests that honesty is the best policy. Children can start to be told how their family came into being from very early on and information added as they get older and can understand more. Some people chat to their baby about it to get used to expressing themselves and talking about the subject. Not to disclose the facts until teenage years or adulthood can undermine trust in relationships and this is hard to re-build if someone feels they have been lied to for years. Secrecy creates distance and is nearly always felt at a sub-conscious level. Adults conceived through donor insemination have spoken about feeling different, not knowing why and assuming it was something awful to do with them.

Telling friends and family
Staff at our clinic advised us to tell relatives about the donor eggs (not all clinics are as forward thinking as this one). This we did with no real negative results. We also told some close friends. However, one 'good friend' whom I had known for over twenty years, never contacted me again when she discovered the facts from me by letter. This surprised me and hurt my feelings but all my other friends were overjoyed that I was to become a mother, irrespective of the circumstances.

I know that there are some people who disclose to no-one, not even their GP, and some who will disclose to anyone who will listen. We are all different. Our way has been to follow the middle path.

Sharing information with young children
When I was expecting the twins our eldest daughter asked me how they got into my tummy. I told her that a kind lady gave mummy some eggs. Mummy went into hospital and, hey presto, the twins were the result! This simple explanation appeared sufficient for her requirements at the time. In fact she was more interested in how the twins would get out! Another Network parent tells her egg donation twins 'their story' thus - daddy gave mummy the seed, a kind lady gave mummy the egg and mummy had a nice warm place to put it.

I am, however, aware that no matter how precious our children are to us that we must not burden them with a sense of 'specialness' or with the trials and tribulations attached to their conception. Children want to be just like other children and not regarded as different, even if they will always be special to us.

Worries about teenagers
Like all parents we are keen to do 'the right thing'. Knowing that teenagers often hurl hurtful verbal darts at their parents makes us fearful that our children may reject us as 'not their real mother'. However, the experiences of parents in the Network whose teenage offspring were born as a result of donated sperm, reveal that this is unlikely to happen. Even if the fact of the non-genetic relationship is used as ammunition in an argument, it is much more likely to be because it is an available weapon to try and hurt the parent at that moment rather than because it is a deeply held belief. If we as parents can hang on to this knowledge, then darts of this sort can be survived without lasting damage. What children need for a healthy upbringing is security, nurture, care and boundaries provided in a loving home. If these things are present then who is genetically related to who is likely to be of less importance. This does not mean of course that the children will not be curious about their donor or go through a range of feelings about them, but this may not happen until they are older and ready to have children of their own.

Egg donation, motherhood and difference
As the recipients of donated eggs, we can choose to/may have the scan photos taken when pregnant, videos after birth (if not during) to show that we were very much present. Nurturing our baby in the womb, giving birth and breast or bottle feeding foster a very close bond. All these things proclaim us as mother and separate us very clearly from the role of the donor, no matter how vital her part or how grateful we are to her for playing it. Children born through donated sperm have no difficulty in differentiating between their dad and their donor. Egg donation children have even better reasons not to confuse the two!

The wider world
Deciding who in the wider world should know the facts of our children's conception is an issue we grapple with constantly. Especially now that our eldest daughter has started school, we are debating whether to inform the school, as many Network parents do, so that teachers are forewarned and can support a child who chooses to speak about their origins in the classroom or playground. Other parents believe it is the child's information, and when old enough to understand the consequences of disclosure, the child can decide who to tell.

I hope that our children are never rejected because of the circumstances of their conception. Research tells us that growing up knowing how loved and wanted they are will give them resilience to cope with adversity of all sorts. One of the advantages of telling them the facts from an early age is that they take it in their stride and to them it seems perfectly normal.

To end I'd like to share with you some thoughts from another Network member, mother of a daughter conceived through egg donation -

'What we realised with hindsight is that those issues that were major obstacles (emotionally) when contemplating egg donation, paled into insignificance soon after our daughter was born. To our surprise, she was not born with flashing lights embedded in her forehead announcing to the world that she was the product of donated gametes. Many of the people, friends and family, with whom we shared the trials of 5 IVF attempts, 2 miscarriages and the subsequent search for an egg donor seemed to 'forget' the facts of her conception, once our daughter was born. It was simply a non-issue for them. They shared our joy at becoming parents.'

If you are contemplating using egg donation to build your family

• Make use of information meetings and support groups at your clinic. And join the DC Network, it is tailor-made for you.
• Don't cut yourself off from family and friends while you go through this whole process - they are a vital source of love and support
• Give yourselves permission to be sad, even to grieve, that the mother of this future child is not also the genetic parent. Then celebrate that medical science may make it possible to create a family in a different way!
• Keep talking with your partner, but remember it's OK for each of you to handle things in your own way.
• Get on waiting lists quickly - you will have plenty of time whilst waiting to come to terms with this new possibility and to try to resolve the many concerns and issues that inevitably will arise for each of you
• Remember that the Network, family and friends will be there for you during all stages of treatment, pregnancy, and in the long haul of parenting. You do not have to do this alone.

With very best wishes Rachel

The Donor Conception Network was started in 1993 by a group of families who had all chosen to be open with their children about their origins. We wanted to help break the isolation felt by so many people using donor assisted conception methods, and to share our experiences of talking to our children, and to family and friends, about DI and more recently egg donation. We have two national meetings a year, one in London and one in the North of England, produce a Newsletter twice yearly, have a library of books, videos, audio tapes and articles that can be borrowed and, most importantly, we put people in touch with each other.

Network Membership
You can join the network as an individual or a couple. Annual subscriptions are £15 (£5 unwaged). To join download a membership form from the website or simply send a cheque to our PO Box below.

The Donor Conception Network is a registered charity, registration number 1041297

Useful addresses
Donor Conception Network
PO Box 265
Sheffield
S3 7YX
Email: dcnetwork@appleonline.net
Website: www.dcnetwork.org
020 8245 4369

Human Fertilisation and Embryology
Authority 30 Artillery Lane London E1 7LS 0207 377 5077
website: www.hfea.gov.uk

British Infertility Counselling Association
69 Division Street
Sheffield
S1 4GE
Information line: 01342 843880
Website: www.bica.net

There is no charge or cover price for Planning a Family Letters and they are copyright free - you are welcome to copy this leaflet so long as it is not sold. But if you have found it valuable, a donation to the Donor Conception Network, a registered charity, would be most welcome.

Visit www.dcnetwork.org/planfamletters where you can download free copies and find details of costs for bulk orders of printed copies. Single copies can be obtained free by sending an A4 SAE to:

Network Publications PO Box 265 Sheffield S3 7YX

A letter from Rachel to would-be egg donation parents [PDF version]

Order form - [printable word version]

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