Welcome to the

Second Annual Fantasy Bum League

Super Cheeses go Ballistic, He Who Cares Atrocious

Season 2003/2004 Champion:

Manager Dan's Cheese Loving Surrender Monkeys of the South

Here you can see the managers relaxing at the 2nd annual BLMA Christmas dinner.

• And so its over for another year. Manager Dan, President of the Bum League is the newly crowned Bum League Champion. With a good last couple of weeks coupled with a downturn in form from Manager Chris the league was won. In fact Manager Chris's misery was compounded by a late surge from Manager Kyl who finsihes second. It will heartbreak for Manager Adam when he realises if he had played Yakubu instead of Radzinski in the last week he would have finished joint 3rd but alas it was not to be. Manager Jon proves himself the most consistent of managers by finishing 5th and just breaking the 1000 points barrier. And Manager James? Well its not been the best of seasons for the most law abiding Manager. Some crazy auction technique and general lack of up to date info has consigned him to last place. But he should take heart as the last manager to finsih bottom had a much much better season the year after.
• What now remains? Well only the first ever Bum League Cup Final. Slightly curtailed due to Milwall's surprise appearance but it is a 3 on 3 Man U shootout. Its going to be tight, its going to be exciting and there will only be one Manager left standing.
• I have inlcuded the last league table of last season to see how things compare. It doesnt look like we are going to beat last seasons points total but it is so much closer. Can the team finishing bottom beat the (sadly now defunct) Flying Dudeks points total? We shall see
• Finally a bit of culture comes to the Bum League. Artist and friend of the Bum League Danielle Worthington has got her new website up and running and very fine it is too. I advise everyone to check it out. www.danielleworthington.co.uk. She is also a member of the Guild of Erotic Artisits if that piques your interest.
• The minutes from the January meeting are now in and as an extra bonus they are now illustrated. A hearty congratulations go to Manager Chris. I would also like to point out we are STILL waiting for Manager Jon and Manager James to come through with there work. If they are not forthcoming in a business like time frame, letters will have to be written. Check them out.
• Issue 15is now available in the most brutal yet truthful football column, The Insider. Did you miss an issue? All back issues are here
• Don't forget, all the latest stats can be found here

INSIDE THE BUM LEAGUE
ISSUE 15 Games played on December 13th and 14th

It's game on mutherfuckers! Week 15 went a little crazy with points galore for our astute and handsome managers. The greatest fantasy football league known to man just continues to spring them surprises. The lowest score this week was 29. How good is that man? Of course, it was Manager Jon, but it's still pretty good ya? The boys pulled out all the stops this week, and with plenty more games to play before this exclusively long December month is over, there are many more points to be won. This week sees a bumper week for one of our ambitious young stallions, a challenge-beating week of consolidation for a seasoned management veteran, and a continued fall from grace from the Bum League's perennial runner up. Let's see what happened. We shall examine the fortunes of our magical managers this week in by counting up all the letter Ts in the teams and starting with the most. We have a tie at the top so I shall slag off Manager Jon first for a change.

It's not been a bad week for 4 T AC Sao Sexual Chocolate. His team got 29 points - that's finally showing some consistency ain't it? Well, I suppose so. Actually, looking at it, he's has a proper shite week + Paul Scholes. The ginger mumpet scored 2 goals in the Manchester derby (reported lowest crime rate ever in Manchester for 90 mins) but no-one else really did anything. Bum League winner Olivier Bernard kept a clean sheet at home to a very unlucky Tottenham as did Jon Woodgate who went off with another injury. Other than that, Manager Jon was unfortunate to leave out Mikael Forssell who scored for Brum. There's not too much the manager can do about that - even though he does really need the points - he should be very happy that he has 4 good, fit strikers to choose from. The loss of Woodgate for another month or so is a blow - even more so because his absence will weaken Newcastle and mean less clean sheets for his team-mate Bernard. Despite all of this, one cannot help but look at the ACSSCFFC team with some envy. The defence and midfield in particular are, when fit and in form, exceptionally strong. The strikers all have more goals in them - especially Adrian Mutu - and there are many more points to come from this team. I predict a marked improvement in the new year.

Manager Kyl has more than Gareth Southgate's double T bonanza to thank the big-toothed defender for. The Middlesbrough man is the top defender not to have scored a goal this season with all of his 49 points coming from full appearances and clean sheets. Pretty nice. With Graeme le Saux still injured and Marcel Desailly's Chutney Love debut ending with 0 points, the manager will be glad of the impending return of Lauren. The big hero for Manager Kyl this week was once again the lethal Alan Shearer. The big, elbowing Geordie pouncer nabbed another brace for the Argyle. The big surprise, however, was the inclusion in the CLAFFC team of Emile Heskey. It was indicated in last week's column that Manager Kyl had little or no intention of playing the Liverpool cack-bag but in his usual unflappable style, the reigning champ made a good decision. Heskey scored the goal that, as it turns out, keeps Chutney Love Argyle top of the Bum League. Manager Kyl has asked me to point out that the achievement of 43 points would not have been possible without Shay Given's clean sheet and Steed Malbranque's assist. Still top, but only by 2.

He Who Cares Wins are in a spot of bother. This week's 35 points is normally a respectable score, but with both teams above him getting plenty more points, he will need to make up the lost ground soon if it's going to stay a 3 horse race. It's incredible isn't it? Thierry Henry doesn't score for 2 games and the whole world changes. Now, we all know that the official 2nd best player in the world will score and make a very big shitload of goals between now and the end of the season but what this absence from the score sheet has shown up is the weaknesses elsewhere in the team. The 38 points scored came almost entirely from the defence. Leicester City did Manager Chris a massive favour by getting 2 players sent off but playing all 3 of his Brum defenders was a calculated gamble that paid off - big time. Maik Taylor, Jamie Clapham, and Matthew Upson grabbed 6 points apiece while Michael Svensson only bloody went and scored again (double the fun for his manager as Liverpool lost again). James Beattie hasn't scored a goal for a good long while - neither has Teddy Sheringham but the Portsmouth pensioner is still good for the occasional assist, well he was this week anyway. Manager Chris will be bitchin' mad this week but the rest of the Bum League will know that any mild talk of a crisis will be eradicated just as soon as Henry gets 10 or 11 goals next week - then the cheeky smile will return.

At this juncture I must explain that the remaining 3 managers all have 2 Ts in their team this week. Therefore I will order these remaining fellas by how many Vs they have. I should have done that in the first place. On then to The Cheese Loving Surrender Monkeys of the South with their 2 Vs (we'll get to see who they are later). Tell you what, these boys ain't no monkeys. Sure, the midfield is pretty shaky and very few of the players are from the Premiership's top 3, and as a result there is a huge over-reliance on Liverpool but, still, these boys ain't no chimps. The President's men scored 42 points this week and are properly making up ground on Manager Chris. Still without young Michael Owen, this team is all about goals. Manager Chris has, if you like, moulded a side around a strong defence and a superb striker (and there ain't nothing wrong with that), but you can't help but admire the attacking side that Manager Dan has put together. In Murphy, Emerton, Berger and Shaun Wright-Phillips, The Monkeys have the most a midfield of most creative players. None of these are regular goalscorers but they all play a big part in any attacks that their respective sides put together. Up front Mark Viduka (that's a V) finally found the 'remove finger from arse' button and scored an absolute corker this week. While Robbie Keane was unable to follow up last week's hat-trick, Louis Saha scored two goals to make the Leeds-Fulham match one of the President's favourite games ever. Claus Lundekvam (there's the other) kept a partial and got an assist, Wright-Phillips did score and The Cheese Lovers got 42 points. Can only be described as a very good week. Gotta keep it up though.

You will notice that Charlton Heston Athletic are also in possession of 2 Vs (Neville and van Nistelrooy) thus rendering my system useless and I agree. Fuck it. Manager Adam's boys kicked butt last week and they kicked butt again this time around. The first thing to note is that all 11 CHAFFC players started and all played the full 90 minutes. That in itself will put a team on the way to a decent score at the very least. Oh, and 5 goals and 5 assists can also come in handy. Laurent Robert was the undoubted star of the week. If extra points were scored for fucking amazing goals he would have doubled his tally for the week. He added to his two beauties by setting up both of Shearer's goals and earned his manager 17 points. Damien Duff had a hand in Chelsea's goal and Ryan Giggs set up Ruud van Nistelrooy. It has come to stage where it is rare to report that Gary Neville has not got a assist - and this ain't one of them times. Stick in clean sheets for Sol Campbell and Kenneth Cunningham and you get to the true proof that Manager Adam had 'one of those weeks'. Yes, you know it already, Juan Pablo Angel scored. Twice. That's 65 points! Had Angel put an easy chance away in the second half we would have been talking about new Bum League leaders. As it is, we have new favourites. The Hestons are irrepressible right now and with key players such as Campbell, Neville, Duff, Giggs, and van Nistelrooy sure to involved in a title race later on in the season who'll be brave enough to bet against them? Probably Manager Chris actually, if his poker playing is anything to go by.

Well, it's finally on to The Rozzers then with their terrible no Vs and only 2 Ts. What can I say? After last week's shambolic Manager Jon-esque 7 points Manager Jon shipped the team of to a gruelling police training camp and had some hard-but-fair bastard put them through their paces. And it worked. They came 1 point off a 500% improvement this week. Blimey, it's amazing when you look at it that way innit? 34 points is very acceptable this week. Jens Lehmann and Pascal Cygan kept clean sheets (although the latter spoiled his with a booking), Garry Barry let in a couple but scored one and made one for the Villa, and John Terry made up for his own goal with a nice header across goal which Hernan Crespo tucked away. The Argentine has pretty much scored a goal a game since he got to England - the problem is, he's only playing one game in every 3. That's gotta be frustrating for Manager James. He also has Diego Forlan who, like Crespo is scoring but not guaranteed a starting place, along with the Everton boys. Speaking of which, Wayne Rooney's goal and booking (how was that not a red?) completed the scoring for Manager James and this edition of The Insider. Goodbye.

One from the vaults:Here you can see some of our managers relaxing with a rather nice dancing girl by the name of "Jugs".

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Thanks must go to Prof. John Edward Warren for all of his invaluable technical assistance and to David Sandler and his magic scanner.

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