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While rooting through old movie magazines for articles on Cary Grant, my attention was strangely drawn to the advertisements in the magazines, exhorting me to wake up my liver bile and paint my gums pink and my skin orange. Here is a small selection. I will add more in due course, together with some very odd beauty and fashion tips.

Oh, the mind boggles. A 'highly concentrated extract obtained from young animals'. I wonder which young animals, and more importantly, I wonder which parts of young animals......

Or do the young animals just stand in darkened alleyways "psssst, ere guv, fancy some of this concentrated extract?"

Hmmmm, wrinkles disappear in 6 weeks? What does it do - burn off the top layer of skin?

But of course I must colour my cheeks. And I think I'll do it with the natural glow provided by this product.

Now, let me see, which shade best matches my skin.... Blonde? No, too pale; Brunette? No, too dark; Medium? No, too bland. Ah, that's the one - Tangerine - matches my skin tone AND my orange peel thighs. And I won't look made-up. What more could a girl ask for?

Well, now I've got my wrinkle free face and my tangerine skin, I think it's time to paint my gums red.

Used by Hollywood stars? Which Hollywood Stars? Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff?????

Oh dear, hang on, in April 1933 I am told that I should have WHITE skin

wow, let me at this miracle stuff - one suitor a day!!! What is it, ah

'new Creme Tokalon, White Colour,non greasy)'

Right, just nipping out to buy some. Oh, hang on, here are the ingredients:

'contains predigested dairy cream and olive oil'

um, on the other hand, I quite like the idea of a natural tangerine blush.

Lets look at the clues:

'positively harmless, slight cost, always works, fills out hollows'

'Diano' must be a pair of woolly socks

Well, call me cynical, but I think the only way these tablets will make you taller is if you stand on the box.

Now it's time to concentrate on the inner woman, so let's see what we need to do here.........er.....on second thoughts, I think I'll just leave my liver bile to snooze, thank you very much.

Words fail me..................

And finally, now you've made the inner and outer woman look gorgeous, here's a little tip to make sure that once you've trapped your man, with the aid of orange skin, red gums, unidentified parts of small animals on your face, and wide awake liver bile, you can keep him interested with your scintillating conversation.

Oh, the mind boggles. A 'highly concentrated extract obtained from young animals'. I wonder which young animals, and more importantly, I wonder which parts of young animals......

Or do the young animals just stand in darkened alleyways "psssst, ere guv, fancy some of this concentrated extract?"

Hmmmm, wrinkles disappear in 6 weeks? What does it do - burn off the top layer of skin?

But of course I must colour my cheeks. And I think I'll do it with the natural glow provided by this product.

Now, let me see, which shade best matches my skin.... Blonde? No, too pale; Brunette? No, too dark; Medium? No, too bland. Ah, that's the one - Tangerine - matches my skin tone AND my orange peel thighs. And I won't look made-up. What more could a girl ask for?

Well, now I've got my wrinkle free face and my tangerine skin, I think it's time to paint my gums red.

Used by Hollywood stars? Which Hollywood Stars? Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff?????

Oh dear, hang on, in April 1933 I am told that I should have WHITE skin

wow, let me at this miracle stuff - one suitor a day!!! What is it, ah

'new Creme Tokalon, White Colour,non greasy)'

Right, just nipping out to buy some. Oh, hang on, here are the ingredients:

'contains predigested dairy cream and olive oil'

um, on the other hand, I quite like the idea of a natural tangerine blush.

Lets look at the clues:

'positively harmless, slight cost, always works, fills out hollows'

'Diano' must be a pair of woolly socks

Well, call me cynical, but I think the only way these tablets will make you taller is if you stand on the box.

Now it's time to concentrate on the inner woman, so let's see what we need to do here.........er.....on second thoughts, I think I'll just leave my liver bile to snooze, thank you very much.

Words fail me..................

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