Dear Mum,
No, of course I don't think that the man next door has taken a contract out on you. I'm sure it was all a horrible mistake. I know that you woke up to find that the garden gnomes had been decapitated, but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. For instance....errrr..... it might be hedgehogs or moles or something. No, I know I haven't thought that one through properly, but leave it with me, I'll find an explanation. Did you ever find the heads by the way? Besides, just because Mr Dixon wanders round in camouflage gear and jumps out at you from behind the bushes doesn't mean he's dangerous, just a little bit eccentric. After all, some people call YOU eccentric sometimes you know. How is Mrs Philip's cat by the way? Has its fur turned back to its normal colour yet?
Well, as you can see I'm back from my trip to London safe and sound. I really think you can stop warning me about the 'white slavers' now. For a start, I don't think they actually exist any more and for another thing, I don't think I'd be quite the type they're looking for. I'm sure they'd go for something a bit younger, more attractive and slimmer. However, I will be careful if I run into any cannibal tribes planning a big party.
I had a great time down in London. We went to a Chinese restaurant which had a buffet style meal. You just helped yourself to around 40 or so dishes. Unfortunately, one of the things I helped myself to was a custard slice - it didn't go too well with black bean sauce. Shan't make that mistake again in a hurry. Talking of food, while I think on, next time you send me a food parcel up, please could you make sure that everything in it is actually dead? The chicken ate all the biscuits.
We moved office this week, just to a new place down the road. The removal men were great. One of them asked if I needed any help with sorting out the filing. When he said he would let me have two boys I thought it was all my wildest fantasies come true.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough for now. I did try to phone you last night because you said you were going to be in, but there was no answer. I expect you put the phone in the freezer again did you?
Lots of love to everyone,
Donna
xxxxxxx
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