A Tale of Two Audreys
When planning a recent trip to the States, I happened to mention
to Warbride Debbie that we would be within visiting distance. Debbie
foolishly agreed that this would be a 'good idea' and plans were made
for a meeting. When I mentioned this to my mother, she was heard to
mumble the words 'internet', 'weirdos', and 'nutters'. I hastened to
reassure her that Debbie was relatively normal. Her response? "No,
not Debbie, dear - you".
This is the story of our meeting. I would like to point out here
and now that both Debbie and I in reality look uncannily like Audrey
Hepburn. The dark haired person in the photos who looks more like a
cross between Miss Piggy and W C Fields is NOT me. The people who
developed my photos were so in awe of and jealous of my natural
beauty that they doctored the photos. My lawyers will be in touch. I
have the proof and here it is:
Needless to say I was on my best behaviour. Anyone who knows me
will tell you that that isn't saying much, but that's beside the
point. We spent a hilarious afternoon trying to stop each other
talking. We met in a restaurant (yes, that's why I look like I do).
My other half John and my friend Lea were gobsmacked at the amount of
food that went in our faces and the amount of words that came out
(mostly at the same time). I had to have my dessert fed to me
intravenously so as not to halt the flow of words. We stayed in the
restaurant for about 4 hours, with a queue of hungry people holding a
demonstration outside. We also told anyone who would listen (and
quite a few who had to be forced to do so) why we were there.
Countless photos were taken (even the family at the next table
wanted photos of us - presumably so that they could use them to warn
their children of what could happen if they weren't careful). I had
several hundred just waiting to be scanned and revealed to the world.
I could, of course, have made them much more flattering to me - but
then they would just have been photos of Debbie.
Very spookily, Debbie and I had bought each other identical
presents - pictures of Cary Grant being one of them (well, that one
was a cert really wasn't it?). It was so uncanny that we have written
to Jerry Springer to see if he wants to do a show on us. We will be
appearing on the episode between "I gave birth to twins - who is the
father - my husband's brother or the man behind the counter at
Shoprite who is actually a woman in disguise" and "I'm barking mad to
be on this programme, is that why I'm a German shepherd?"
Anyway, after we'd eaten the restaurant dry we went to a shopping
mall (after more photo opportunities in the parking lot). In the mall
Debbie forced me to buy some videos that would have been absolutely
useless to me as I can't watch them in the UK unless I spend
£9,000 on a dual whotsit machine, which, of course, I did! In
the video shop we managed to accost some poor woman who was
innocently looking at Cary Grant videos and tell her the story of our
lives. Her eyes glazed over after the first 2 hours.
I will hastily gloss over the comment of the girl in the movie
poster shop who said "Who? Is that Cary Grant the
Now I'm back home, please be reassured that the US is a much
safer place to be. Scotland, on the other hand, had better watch out.
Incidentally, this is a scary view of the future for Debbie and
me. No longer looking like Audrey Hepburn, we will have starring
roles in Arsenic and Old Ladies.