Michael Hind  

Combo , fast becoming a stalwart and faster becoming the Bryan Robson of club cricket, normally injured for 3/4 of the season. After seeing off 'Thrush' will now be going head to head with 'Bushman' as most angry and arrogant bloke in league. Capable of making tail end small boys in the seconds dance and top order batters in the first laugh. Talks a good game / work / politics/ music........ Difficult to dislike, but well worth the effort.Been injured for the last 2 seasons and has been recovering in the Vic, Inn , Fox, Dog with Mark .  

Famous for - ' At least I can F***** walk' ( Spectator outburst Old Hill 98).

Do mention - K and D 2001 (3 - 35).

Don't mention - Courchevel. David Lloyd, half pints, Pierre Cardin, looking like Peter Kay, Gittings  

Simon Froggatt  

Skipper this season in the autumn of his career, club may need to use some of budget on more toys to throw out the pram.  

Famous For - Being Injured, calling his wife 'The Slug', being son of 'Skeletor'.  

Do Mention -  Length of service  

Don't Mention - Lords  

Richard Hall  

‘Bean’ has become the rock which around the first team batting is built.  Has retuned to his best this season with a string of scores.  Richard is very intense about his cricket and has been known to throw his toys out of the pram (if there are any left when Froggy has finished).  Has finally shook off the ‘bachelor’ tag and moved into ‘under the thumb’ ridge (the Oakalls) with the lovely Sharon, who also enjoys watching cricket on sky. Is a manic cricket nerd and knows every club, county and test stat known to man.  Was contacted by cricket archive to help provide some missing data from 89/90 John player league info  

Famous for  Being run out by Dallas, cheating at 5 a side, bad dress sense.

 Do mention  Runs, loyalty, knowledge, Oakalls, Civic Type S

  Don’t mention   Cheating, 1995 Citroen Facelift ZX,

Adam Smith  

Moved on to lego land with Dallaway and spends most Fridays watching the Golden Girls and talking about Ikea.  Works for Jacko now and therefore has become nearly as irritating.  Was player of the year through sympathy.  Into his 8th season and a crucial part of the machine, must be doing something right to keep Head out the 1st team.  

Famous For - Taking the piss, quick runs, being Tom Mees's boyfriend.

Do Mention - Player of the year ( everyone else had won it)

Don't Mention -  Family parties  

Lee Rogers

 Prized from the ‘Hill’ to replace sulking children White and Williams.  Lee provides no spinning off spin and refreshing stroke play to the top of the stiffs order (bit of a poor mans Jonesy).  Has finally managed to detach himself from surrogate father ‘Mo’ after following him around for 10 years.  Has started impressively and will be key player in Cowley’s attempt to lift the Premiership shield.  Has come off worse against Head over the last 12 years and finally agreed to join the Stately home.  Welcome    

Famous for – Thick black country accent  

Do mention – 81 against Illy, and Morgan last season  

Don’t mention – Dress sense, breath, ridulous trotting appeal 

Shepards (G) and (S)

Where do we start with this one.  As they are never more than 1 yard from each other, its only natural for there profile to be one of the same, especially as not everyone can distinguish anyway. Both  ex Warwick smallboys who played for Kings Heath for quarter of a century without missing a game, and after finally  consuming every penny they decided to move on. Being teachers they have the same amount of time off as Terry Waite and spend most of this perfecting the off drive in the garage whilst listening to 12th Man tapes on ghetto blaster.  Both respected batters throughout the league, although the claim all round status this only applies in division 2 chaps 

Famous for – Looking like each other, red inkers

Do mention – Runs, technique, availability,

Don't mention – bowling / keeping, Stratford , M and B, getting the covers on, fielding at mid on (boring), fielding at slip.

 Adam Brownhill  

3rd team regular for last 4 seaons.  Has taken over the captaincy from Doddy and need to get the lower tier of club back on track.  Claims to be an all rounder but stats would suggest otherwise.  Has the physique and appearance of Liverpool's Peter Crouch .  Bit of Music nerd, and claims to know everything about Indie from 1990 - onwards  

Famous For - Solo runs in club 5 a side, Crouch  

Do Mention -  Charlatans, Oasis,  

Don't Mention - Crap hair style, trying to look like Ian Brown    

 Matt Nicholls

Best mate with above and after begging the author has been included on player profiles ( 3 / 4 team players are not deemed important enough). When England slogger Kevin Pietersen has he hair cut he takes a photo of Matt to show stylist.  Bowls gentle medium pace suitable for Children but like most 4th teamers if you can pitch it you will get wickets.  Another nice lad but needs to get out more and spends most Fridays watching legends of cricket in his bedroom on Sky  

Famous For - KP hair style  Falling off the website.

Do Mention  - Religion  

Don't Mention - Going to Snobs on a Friday and talking about the Villa for 4 hours.

Lyndon Jones  

Fast becoming BG legend, back this year to liven up proceedings. Been in NZ making himself unwelcome under naughty Jackie's feet.  Sorely missed in 05 as atmosphere on field and in bar was duller than dish water. Finally settling down with new girlfriend Vicky after going through all the SG.s.   

Famous For -  Lots but best is Slow 90 in Barcelona Brothel

Do Mention - Record as captain

Don't Mention - Can I stay at yours fruit  

Darren Cullen 

Like a long term injury - will never go away.  Famed for his persistent nagging of ex pro's Head will be the happiest man alive now that 'scrawn-dog' has joined the fortress.  Regularly stitches people up via the clubhouse phone, notably Clarkey in '03, but one day it may all backfire on him. Still has a Betamax player at home purely for his collection of 1980's world series video's and is rumoured to have watched every ball of last years ashes twice.  Head lost his post as second team skipper after 7 seasons of averaging 15 run-outs a season, if you've ever played in the 2's and never been run out by him - your on his list for next season. With boyfriends dotted all around the league highest on his Christmas list are Nails ( Stratford ), Humpty ( Stratford ), Palms (ex Stratford ), Dot Com ( Stratford ) and Beno (Harborne).  Known as the 'Banksy' of Barnt Green as bats in the middle order and plays only for his average.  Hard to spot in a busy clubhouse after a game because of his height but if he's scored more than 30 avoid this man at all costs. Confirmed himself as best number 4 in the stiffs league with a solid year in 05.  Unlucky not to be in the ones.  

Do Mention: Redditch , piss taking  

Famous for: rumour spreading/utter bullshit/metro gta  

Don't mention: Thorney/Village/League dinner tickets  

Gary Cowley  

Promoted by Head to the 2nd XI Captaincy made an immediate impact with 30 wickets and a very successful campaign, led the Stiffs with calm and authority to there best league finish of 4th with young army of all rounders. His bowling is neither one thing nor the other, like his clothes.  Keep up the good work.  

Famous for - Getting wickets with shit  

Do Mention - Finishing 4th in first year as skipper  

Don't Mention - Head

If there were club rankings the hapless Dans would be in 3 figures.  Can make a slow full toss on leg stump look like the Warne's ball of the century from 93 that bowled Gatting.  If you every wanted living proof that practice does NOT make perfect then Phippsy would be your man. Although we thought Kitmans record as a player would never be eclipsed, it appears it has, Dan spends approximately 18 hours a week (17 batting) in the nets, with under 12 seamers testing his technique.  In '06 when put up against the 1st team bowlers was quoted saying to KP when returning the ball ' KP get me out of here'.

 This aside he is a committed club man and captain of the 4ths (we have no 5^th team).  

Famous For: Hard on when dueting with Sam Crayton at club karaoke, not buying a pint since 2002

Do mention: Unscheduled net sessions after work, Valencia Road .

Don't mention:  Arranging selection meetings at the BGI just to get free £3 pint grog from Cowley.

Phil Stock  

            Stocksy is now crucial part of 2nd and 3rds pinch hitting.  Has a technique based on backing away and launching it over extra. Has great chirps and is nearly as disliked as Head by the opposition  

Famous for - Girlfriend slapping incident in pavilion  

Do mention   - Extra cover  

Don't mention - Being scared of the ball, technique, Mc Donald's 

Stuart Cullen  

Brother of Head, but has blood relations to Clarkey and Busham as is nearly as tight.  Played 2 seasons for Cowley bowling attacking off spin which most people dispatched at will.  Remarkably finished 5th in league averages in 99, ( when the grounds were bigger).  Used by Head to bowl leg stump full tosses with a tennis ball as a child.  Has better record with women than his elder and was once caught red handed tucking into SG in women's toilet at club bash.  Thinks he can play football, but can't.  

Famous for - Mr Wiggley - Nick name from old girlfriend referring to man hood.  

Do Mention - Taking a catch of Thornies bowling against Walmley in 98  

Don’t Metion - Your round, Looking like Rooney  

James Banner  

Kit now matched up with new lover Melissa, and has swapped playing best of 37 frames with Trev on a Sunday to romantic nights out at the AGM.  

Famous For - 'It's all gone off'  

Do mention - Club man of the year  

Don't Mention - Budapest  

Edd Duffield  

Father or Ben and Adam Holliake ( 2 all rounders who look good for 5 minutes but in reality are shit).  Slick front man for the 1st team and director of cricket operations, and has arranged the club budget to perfection.  Has been mistaken for Terry Yorath by Bootle and fans and Gordon Mc Queen.  Stays in touch with players and will be missed when steps down to hand over to Head.   

Famous For - Driving fast cars, 911, Merc SL500, and Jag ( oh dear )  

Do mention - National KO  

Don’t mention - The Albion, Tom Gray  

Jim Edwards  

Beer Jim still trucking as Chairman after taking the club to next level of success.  Well liked and respected.  Was disciplined by Baggeridge for employing Combo .  Plays golf most weekends and is down to 40 now.  Has also taken over from Eccky pec of running Hotel Barnt Green.  

Famous For - Getting pissed, never turning up on time  

Do Mention - Club record under his control, Croc .  

Don’t mention - Max, AGM  

Clarkey  

Longest serving player and life member.  True Barnt Green legend, 30k runs ( 200k balls ) and gods knows how many wickets over an incredible 40 year club career !. Has been involved with everything ( except rounds) for his entire life.  Is air tight and last bought a round when there was a king on the throne.  

Famous for - 30K runs, never buying a drink  

Do Mention - The Club  

Don’t mention - Bob

Geoff Hickman  

The Flying Pig.  Catering manager, ground supervisor, chief supporter.  Geoff is 3 blokes rolled into 1 ( not just physically ).  Has sweated over hot stove in the winter nights and produced BBQ’s in the winter.  Tireless work since being on the committee.  Loves the club and most who use it  

Famous for -  Professional goalkeeper for West Brom in 60’s

Do Mention – Doing everything, ‘ Come on the Green ‘

Don’t mention – AGM, Frank        

Zaffron Ahmed

 After a good season last year, 'Bollywood' has injured himself DJ'ing in Erdington.Back this season, utilized to hit small boys over cow for 6.  

Famous for - Indian film star looks

Do mention - Onion Bahje in the Pussy Lager  

Don't mention - Being toasted by Abbie  

Mirage  

Barnt Greens fully authenticate home grown quality.  Rapid pace, and wristy batting make him a gem for the future.  

Famous for - Being a small Boy  

Do Mention - Wheels  

Don't Mention - No balls to Altaf  

Leo Moncrieffe  

'Chalky', 'Monthief' will be again trundling away for Head. Barnt Green legend.  

Famous for - 'This is a heavy bat for someone with such a small C**K

Do Mention - The list in endless

Don't Mention - CLASSIFIED

Kieran Rees

 Young all-rounder Rees will be looking to impress in his second season. BG's young player of the year will again be carrying the spin attack and batting in the top order, has inherited none of his dad abilities (thank god). Is related to Jamiroquai.

 Famous for - BG under 18 mixed Pool Champion.

Do Mention - Moseley 2002

Don't Mention - The Academy  

Matt Eckersley  

'The oxygen thief' will undoubtedly be chipping in again this season with 8's and the odd 15. Used by Head to knock the shine off the new pill, may find himself batting 9 for Gary this year? Has allegedly paid £3000 to join Blackwell golf club as Bossie 's caddie. As always, must try harder. Saves all his best shots for the S G 's.  Still around and now boasting 2nd girlfriend in 7 years.  Has squandered 80% of inheritance spread betting.   

Famous for - Giving tie to SG's as present / smooching with Budgie at slugs 30th

Do Mention - Penn 2001 ( 20 off 90)

Don't mention - The Boundary / Runs  

Michael Wakeman  

The ever green and reliable Wakey will again be spending his Saturdays scoring and making everybody cringe with his horrible batting style. Never lets the captain down, unlike most. Scored a plucky 111 against the old enemy Walsall last year to clutch another season.   

Famous for - Spotting a rare kookaburra at Kings Lynn in 1982

Do Mention - Catches in the deep

Don't Mention - Blocking the shit out of it  

 Paul Kimberley

Sunday 2nd team captain and Saturday 3rd team stalwart who bats and bowls. Paul has had more injuries than the whole of Birmingham City FC (including Darren Anderton!) In the 5 years he has been at the club he has had the following:- 2 hamstrings, broken finger, broken arm, shoulder injury, thigh strain and foot injury. Without his custom Barnt Green Pharmacy would surely close. However, 2005 was a good year for him with bat and ball and no major injuries.

Famous for - Getting injured

Do mention - BCFC and 97 against Moseley whilst injured.

Don't mention - Coombes Wood.

Steve Dodd

The rock of the Saturday 3rds. Had a good season in 2005 with the bat. Always the first into the pavilion for the tea interval  where Steve keeps an up to date score of the opposition teas. There would be more quick singles is the bails were replaced with brandy snaps.

Famous for - Elegant strokes speed between the wickets

Do mention - Cakes apple crumble, sticky toffee pudding AVFC

Don't mention - Spin bowlers and team selection

Dan Saunders

 Belated profile for big Dan.  Appears to have found some second team clothes in the winter (same shop Cowley and Dad found thier's) which he has backed up with a century and 2 half centuries already this campaign.  A likeable chap with ICC world ranking number one girlfriend Rebecca.  Not much to say on this one, apart from used to play to Smethwick 3rds and still fields in that mould. 

 Famous for  Matching winning 30* against the odds to win the game in relegation fight with council houses, legendry

Do Mention  2007 start, his bird

 Don’t Mention  Fielding, Banksy  

Lewis Blunn

Our newest recruit, played regularly for the Sunday Seconds. Bats and bowls wonderful half volleys and long hops. Watch Lewis as he will definitely get better.

Famous for - Playing lead guitar in a school rock band

Do mention Rock Music Thin Lizzy ACDC etc.

Don't mention - Adjusting one's cricket box as what underneath requires a lot of maintenance!

Mark Crayton  

‘Dad’ appeared off season from the inner city village and famous Barnt Green Nursery club Weoley Hill, which he left in controversial circumstances.  Has added another all-rounder to the championship chasing seconds.  Bowls floating off spin, and bats with determination and guile. Has bought the lovely Sam to spearhead the forth team attack also.  Was difficult to understand at first due to the thickness of his Birmingham accent. Like the skipper he is really a 3^rd teamer in second team clothes, but has proved vital this season.  

 Famous for – Punching lights out of Weoley Hill committee man

 Do mention – 31* at the Hill

 Don’t mention – Wearing mobile phone holster on belt (oh dear)

Tom Morgan  

‘Happy Harry’ has replaced last years Welsh bore James Samworth.  Clearly the best opening bowler in the league has fuelled the Greens move to the top with pace accuracy and consistency.  Is so miserable was asked by bouncer to leave the BG inn during happy hour.  Rarely speaks but when he does, it’s a moan.  Was stole from under the nose of K and D and has proved arguably the signing of the winter. 

 Famous for – Being a miserable G**

 Do mention – 5 for 25 every week

 Don’t mention – lbw or bowled 0 every week  

Robbie James

Robbie played for the 4th team on a Saturday and the Sunday 2nds. Has had a good year with the gloves and is striving to hit the ball off the square with the bat this season.

Famous for - Rock star looks, great defence talks posh

Do mention Mortgages Unit Trusts

Don't mention - Getting permission to play on both days.

Ed Payne

 Barnt Green's cycling superhero and ex coach of Kwik Cricket. Holds the bizarre record of the number of times he has been dismissed for the club is equal to the number of runs he has scored for the club and also equal to the number of deliveries he bowled in 2001. Unfortunately the answer to all three is one! Now on the umpires list and has wisely started working on a Saturday and Sunday to avoid being called upon by Head. Still waiting to give Baby Banana out.

Famous For – Extensive range of yellow clothes  

Do Mention – Introducing several thousand ankle biters to Kwik Cricket  

Don’t mention – Scar from heading the ball.

Max Edwards

 Youngest son of chairman Jim.  Has a girls hair and the pace to match.  Along with Cowley was promoted from Kurds last season and performed well picking up 28 wickets.  Since Dagger has left,  Max has taken over as the worst fielder / village idiot in the side, underlined by 5 dropped catches at Old Hill last year.  Will be again captaining on a Sunday, where he need to practice his batting.  Only talks to girls about cricket and is therefore still a virgin.  

Famous For – Being a dope  

Do Mention – 3 for 3 v Halesowen  

Don’t mention – getting a girlfriend  

Graeme Payne

 Son of Top Banana. Made his debut for the Saturday Thirds aged ten and immediately qualified for the Primary Club. Despite this awesome start to his career played three weeks later and promptly qualified again. Played in assorted games for the club for 4 years before actually facing another delivery, when he surpassed his father's total runs in no time at all. Has had more recent injuries than Johnny Wilkinson and more come backs than Frank Sinatra. Baby Banana has carried on the family tradition of coaching Kwik Cricket and wearing tee-shirts with silly logos.

Famous for – Nail varnish, eating chicken phalls (can anyone else?)  

Do Mention – 51 runs at Kings Heath  

Don’t mention – Dodgy knee, missed catch in Railway Test