A Question often asked!
Why do homosexuals
feel the need to 'come out?'
October 12th 2000 was 'Coming out' day in the USA!
Many do not understand and say 'Why do
homosexuals have to tell others?'
Behind this is the self-acceptance struggled for,
after years of personal homophobia deep inside many homosexuals - amounting
to self-hatred in some at times. It is generated by being different from
others, and that difference being unacceptable, taboo, condemned in society
and in many churches and religions.
It is something most homosexuals have to come to
terms with within themselves; some never do - like
Simon Harvey the young christian who could
not reconcile his faith and sexuality, which he found he could not change,
though there was an earnest desire, and so took
his life; and
like
Alan Turing OBE, a brilliant mathematician
to whom tens of thousands owed their lives because of his work in code-breaking
of the Nazi ENIGMA code machine. He later produced the first modern computer.
After reporting a burglary, he was arrested when police discovered he was
gay. At his trial he took the option of probation and the hormone treatment
that went with it to 'cure' him. The effects on him were catastrophic,
and he took his life.
Slowly things are improving - with helplines and
support and, more often than in the past, support and acceptance from families
and friends, aided by groups like PFLAG (ParentsFriend), and FFLAG (Families
& friends of Lesbians & Gays) and 'ACCEPTANCE'.
We were at a group very recently
where one of our gay friends, who is well established in the church, 'came
out'. It was moving to hear the words of support and commendation of his
courage. When you understand the inner
turmoil that often precedes such 'coming out' and the risks that are involved
in
terms of the potential loss of friendship or family love, it
shows how important it is to the individuals who feel they have to take
this step of self-acceptance and declaration.
But not all do, and some only when a crisis comes
or looms.
I only know what I have read in the newspapers of
the story of Dr Clements, but it gives an opportunity to look at some of
the factors that can affect the outcome when a married relationship which
includes a homosexual man or woman, fractures. Not
all such marriages fail, but it is high risk! And it is difficult to understand
why some survive but many do not. It is not just a question of 'sticking
at
the marriage', it is far more fundamental.
The stigma of being homosexual in society today is
such that there is often self-denial of that fact.
Such
people if they come out to a priest, minister or pastor are sometimes given
advice to marry to 'get rid of your homosexual feelings'. Others think
this is how all people feel at times - cannot believe they are different,
and sometimes come to the 'marriage' conclusion themselves,
thinking
that their homosexual feelings will go with a good marriage. But this is
not the case.
The normal pressures of marriage are compounded by
the difference in sexuality of one of the partners - people who set out
in all good faith that their marriage will last.
But that difference
creates real problems as that partner realises over time that their sexuality
is not going to change, and
that love-making, the 'glue' of marriage, becomes a burden, even a kind
of torture for some. It raises the need to be honest about the situation
with the other partner, with all the problems and hurt that ensues.
When this isfurther
compounded by the marriage partners being Christians, with all the pressure
that many church's teaching exerts on homosexuals,and
especially if the latter is someone prominent in the church, it usually
becomes a real crisis before the homosexual
marriage partner can face the situation of being open. Some
cannot face the situation, and simply leave. Indeed, such are the pressures
to conform, that up till the time of open-ness or leaving,the
homosexual partner can be the most homophobic of people in their expression
in order to cover their identity,and are
often fundamentalist in their Biblical interpretation.
I don't know Dr Clements or his family, but I suspect
that some of these factors were causing him real problems, especially as
he was a leading light of the Evangelical Alliance, which teaches that
homosexuality is contrary to scripture.
I read the EA booklet'Faith,
hope and homosexuality' and it was slightly unreal. It said a lot about
EA, as the book was not really about people, but about ideology that
was unconnected with the primacy of Jesus commandment to love God and others
- the God who accepts us as we are and leads us in the way of love if we
will allow.
When we see, as we do, homosexual Christians filled
with the Spirit of God, who
are EA to criticise or condemn. It would be funny if it were not so serious,
to see some sinners judge other sinners, and thus usurp the place of God!
I have great sympathy for, and have prayed for Dr
Clements and his family - they have gone through agonies, and need love
and support. EA's teaching on homosexuality helped to bring about the severity
of this crisis, because of the pressures of this on Dr Clements.
Perhaps now EA will revise its thinking
-
its
teaching on homosexuality is contrary to the spirit of the gospel of Christ.
THINK AGAIN PLEASE, EA.
And when that day arrives when homosexuals are better
understood, their partnerships honoured and their unions blessed; and homosexuals
are counselled to think carefully before marrying as heterosexuals marry
because of the known problems of doing so, then perhaps life and marriage
and partnerships will be better for all, and we shall see far fewer of
these painful marriage endings.
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