THE GRAND UNIFICATION OF THE THEORY OF SPECIAL, GENERAL, AND TOTALLY INDISCRIMATE RELATIVISM, AND THE EXISTENCE OF TWIDARK

Onestone postulated that nothing can travel faster than light. Otherwise time and space get mixed up so much that you can receive a message before you send it.
    This theory was widely accepted, until some annoying person pointed out that dark travels faster than light. That is, d > c.
    Undaunted, Onestone introduced a slight modification into his equations. He asserted that d is negative, but we are measuring it in the wrong  direction.
    Dark does not move away from light at speed d. It moves towards light at speed –d.
    Now –d < c and all is well.
    Also ED = -m(-d)2 = -md2 is unchanged.
 
TWIDARK ENERGY
The total energy is
               EL + ED = mc2 – md2 < 0
Which is paradoxical.
    Physicists have decided that there must  exist twidark energy ET to account for the discrepancy, so that
               EL + ED + ET = 0
A formula known as Asymptotic Flatness of the Turtle. It follows that
               ET = md2 – mc2
Bearing in mind that the speed of twidark is b, it seems reasonable to set
               ET = mb2
And the reader can easily verify that
               b2 = d2 – c2
which we rewrite as
               b2 + c2 = d2
and recognise as Pthagonal’s Theorem (in non-standard notation).
QED.
Pthagonals's Theorem diagram

Solving for b we obtain
               b = ±√(d2 – c2)
implying that twidark moves at a speed of either
               +√(d2 – c2) 
or
               −√(d2 – c2)
Physicists feel that this dual-speed property must be important: it should allow twidark to join up properly with both light, which has positive speed, and dark, which has negative speed. However, neither answer agrees with our previous hypotheses☛, so the detailed calculations are elusive.

☛ Except ‘umpty’, for a given value of umpty.

     For example, if we average to two speeds we get b=0, which is one of our previous suggestions.
    Alternatively, the average of the speeds of light and dark is
               (c-d)/2
or, if you dispute Onestone’s ‘negative d’ proposal,
               (c+d)/2
Compromising by taking the geometric mean we get
               b2 = (c-d)(c+d)/4
so
               b = ±√(c2-d2)/2
which is exactly the same as we computed above.

 Well, actually it should be d2-c2 and the /2 is wrong as well, but this is cosmology. Anyway, if we divide by √-1/2 then we get exactly the same result. The number √-1/2 is called Plonk’s constant, because you can plonk it down wherever you need to make the calculation work out OK.