ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN

This information complements a two hour talk and discussion with groups of parents that are interested in considering ways in which they can help their children make a reasonably successful journey from childhood through to adolescence. It is hoped that by considering some of the important interactions between parents and children, parents will feel closer to their children and gain a great deal of satisfaction and enjoyment from them. The information applies equally to mums and dads. For convenience I use the term 'she' and 'her' but clearly the advice applies equally to boys also. Ideally the 'spirit' of the information should be used from the day the child is born. However, although it is never too late to start putting this into practice, the older the child - the more likely she is to resist parent's efforts.

Unfortunately life is too unpredictable and people too complex in their make-up to simply answer "yes". Also, your child's personality and behaviour will be partly influenced by people other than yourself. However, you can do a great deal to encourage a strong 'immune system' in your child that will help protect her (and yourself!) from some of the pressures associated with growing up. This 'immune system' will go a long way towards ensuring your child's attitude and behaviour remains within the bounds of acceptability, both at home and within the community.

For an 'immune system' to develop in your child certain conditions need to prevail within your family. They are as follows: -

I am sure some, if not all of these conditions already exist within your family. However, you may find the following guidelines helpful in understanding why they are so important in your day to day dealings with your child.

Of course you love your child - but don't take it for granted that she will know this. Tell and show her how much you love her with regular hugs, smiles and kisses, and make time to do things together and enjoy her company. Listen to and respect her views, praise her efforts, never ridicule her and work hard at developing a relationship based on mutual respect. Such bonds will make it more likely that as your child get older she will listen to and take note of what you tell or ask of her.

Parents have the task of turning helpless, unsociable and self-centred infants into sociable children and eventually into reasonable and responsible members of the community. This means SETTING LIMMITS and it means 'training' and 'supervising' your child from birth until after adolescence. If you are prepared to set limits for your child and stick to them, she will grow up with more self-esteem and confidence than children who are allowed to get away with behaving in any way they wish. Supervision does not mean you have to stand watch over your child 24 hours a day, but it does mean knowing where she is and whom her friends are. Likewise, setting limits does not mean you make all decisions for your child, it means giving her a reasonable amount of freedom of choice within the limits you set.

Family routines are usually useful short cuts to living. They help your child to master and automatically perform such daily tasks as feeding, washing, dressing, going to school, going to bed etc. They help make your child's world feel well ordered, safe and comfortable, and she will feel more secure if the main events in her life are regular and familiar. Routines eventually become habits and she will gradually accept them with little or no fuss.

All families have some rules and generally they cover issues concerning the need for safety and relative harmony within the family. One of the ways your child will learn to abide by the family rules is through your example - because she loves you she will seek your approval and want to be as much like you as possible. Another way is by you steering her in the direction in which she should go. A firm but loving framework of discipline will help your child to eventually develop her own sound guidelines and controls, so that she can look ahead to the consequences of her actions and thereby exercise self-discipline.

You will create problems for yourself if you have lots of DON'TS - making demands for the sake of making demands and making rules for the sake of making rules. Any limits you set should be for the sake of your child's safety and for her social and emotional development. Keep them uncomplicated and fair and let your child know what will happen if they are broken.

I am sure you wouldn't automatically obey rules and regulations unless you thought there was a good reason for doing so. Your child, particularly as she gets older, will take the same view. It is therefore important that you take the time to explain why we need rules and what would happen if everyone went their own way.

Explain clearly to your child what is required of her. Go out of your way to look for her good behaviour, then praise it. By encouraging her good behaviour it is more likely to happen again.

To teach your child to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour it is very important that you are consistent. It is confusing for your child if she is punished for her behaviour today but gets away with the same behaviour tomorrow merely because your mood or reasoning has changed.

Your child may try to wear you down by her rebellious or defiant behaviour. You will need to remember that if you give in to such behaviour your child will quickly learn that she can get her own way if she tries long enough. You must therefore stay firm and stick it out in spite of the difficulties her poor behaviour presents for you. It may initially mean an awful lot of effort and determination from you, but this will be nothing in comparison to what you will need to cope with an out of control adolescent!

Giving your child age appropriate responsibilities and choices such as keeping her room tidy, helping to prepare meals, choosing her own clothes etc, gives her the opportunity to practice being responsible whilst still having your advice and support. In the main she will respect your trust in the knowledge that it will be withdrawn if abused.

When things get difficult don't resort to hitting your child - it is abusing your power as an adult and can damage the relationship you have with your child. It can also damage your child. Hitting children does not gain you their respect and does not eliminate the poor behaviour. It will however teach your child that it is OK to hit people if they say or do things they don't like or agree with. Use other 'punishments' such as - Grounding them for a day or two - Time out - Let them miss their favourite TV programme - No later bedtime at weekend - No use of the games machine for two days - Reduced pocket money, etc.

Finally, make sure your partner knows and agrees with the limits and set up systems that ensure your child is not able to play one off against the other.