(ADVICE FOR PARENTS TO BE USED TOGETHER WITH PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT)

Young people who have been sexually abused may display a wide range of emotions. They will vary from person to person and may be influenced by factors such as: -

Because of the way in which our bodies respond automatically to stimuli, many youngsters become confused or feel guilty because they experience some pleasurable feelings during the abuse. Apart from this natural response to stimuli pleasure may also be gained from: -

Children are relieved when the abuse ends but may miss some of the pleasurable aspects mentioned above. Because they have learned that sexual behaviour can give them excitement, pleasurable sensations, attention and treats, they may resort to excessive sexual stimulation. They may also attempt to recreate those experiences by instigating sexual activity with other children or with adults. Alternatively, they may exhibit sexualized behaviour in order to test out whom they can trust.

Signs and symptoms of premature sexualization can be manifested by the following behaviour: -

Sexualized behaviour by children therefore leaves them vulnerable to further abuse and is often difficult for parents to understand and to cope with. Parents are often panicked by the sexualized behaviour and unfortunately, the power of such behaviour is strongly reinforced when adults show they are unable to cope with it.

Sexually abused children who exhibit sexualized behaviour can be helped in therapy and they can also be helped by parents or main carers who have an understanding of why it is happening and how best they can respond.

The above information will go some way towards a better understanding of why children may exhibit sexualized behaviour and what follows are some suggestions about how best parents or main carers may respond to sexualized behaviour: -

Sexualized behaviour by children should be dealt with simply, directly, and without emotional charge. When confronted with the behaviour you should remain calm and attempt to guess the child's intent. You then need to state clearly that the behaviour is not acceptable and suggest alternative ways of expression.

For example, a 10-year-old boy rubs his penis against his father's leg. Father could say "OK Paul I can see you are a boy. If you want to rub your penis do it privately in the bathroom. If you want to be close to me, then zip up your pants, fetch my screwdriver and you can help me fix this shelf". This can be followed by father telling Paul how much he enjoys his company.

Another example is a 7-year-old girl sitting on dad's knee as he reads her a story. She begins to grind her buttocks against his groin. Dad spreads his legs and the girl slips to the floor. He picks her up, turns her to face him, makes eye contact and says firmly "That's not how you sit on laps". He puts her back on his lap saying "The way to do it is to keep your bottom still". He should follow this shortly with something like "I like holding you and feeling close, you're daddy's girl".

The strong emotions brought about by child sexual abuse can sometimes result in parents becoming preoccupied with their child's behaviour. With this in mind you will need to be aware that your child's normal sexual behaviours are going to be present. It is helpful to remember that most of us did sexual things as youngsters that would be considered weird from an adult perspective. The message here then is to try and look at your child's behaviour in context.

To sum up - the sexualized behaviour of children who have been sexually abused is best dealt with by taking the 'charge' out of the behaviour by eliminating the seriousness, power, shame, fun, disgust, and blame. They are told in a matter-of-fact way that the behaviour is not OK. They are shown acceptable ways to interact and they are frequently told and praised when they are interacting in an appropriate manner. Their sexual feelings are recognized but placed in the context of feelings that people have but do not act upon.