I.
The clown is feeling tired.
He says “I’ve worn this stage make-up for so many years
that I don’t know what I look like underneath.”
But he doesn’t realise
His tears are washing him clean of the greasepaint
And soon his own face will be revealed.
II.
The clown is feeling pain.
He says “when I first held your hand
I thought you’d perform with me for ever
But you didn’t hold me for a single day
When we- so long ago it seems-
Performed together I only felt my own falls.
I was so entranced, they didn’t hurt at all
But you had to go on
To another act- and it seemed to me
You fell from less careful hands than mine
Can it be- some of your falls
Hurt me more than they hurt you?”
III.
The clown is feeling drunk.
He hoped that the Lady would soften the pain
But all she has done is coccoon him
Alone with his own screaming agony
But still she sits beside him
Running her numbing hands through his hair:-
She alone would never let him down
But it is too cold to stay here
He feels twisted up
Like a knot inside
And he feels the ghosts
Of old beliefs pulling on him.
“I’ve got to go” he says
“But don’t forget me
Soon we shall be back together”
IV.
The clown is feeling hopeless.
He told the Lady that perhaps
He should talk to her
About how he felt
And that then the demon would be exorcised
The Lady had smiled at his plan.
But the clown knows, with the clarity he always felt
After the Lady had gone,
That what he really hopelessly hoped
Was that she would perform with him
Like she did in his dreams.
V.
The clown is feeling hurt.
He’s thinking about another ‘artiste’
Who hung around him for a show
And then went back to her other job.
That had angered him at the time
Now it just pricked the corners of his eyes.
VI.
The clown is feeling creeping madness.
He is numb from the caress of the Lady
And an old song has stirred up painful memories.
He cries to the night and doesn’t care who hears.
Elsewhere, the Ringmaster hears and weeps
But the clown doesn’t know this, although he believes it is true.
So he walks the dark road alone.
VII.
The clown tried mountaineering once.
He remembered from his youth
How the mountains were greater than his fears.
He packed up his troubles
Because he couldn’t leave them behind.
But the weight crushed him and he couldn’t straighten up;
So he didn’t taste the cold, clear air of freedom.
VIII.
The clown has found a note
It fell through his door while he was out in the mountains.
The writing is oddly familiar.
It says “I know your pain”
The clown doesn’t really know what to make of it,
But somehow it makes him feel better.
IX.
The clown is feeling hope.
The note has had a strange effect on him.
He doesn’t feel guilty about his feelings anymore.
“Even the Ringmaster would feel the same” he says.
Deep inside, he feels the throbbing of his refound heart.
X.
The clown watched the other acts in the show today-
Usually he hid in his dressing room
But today he felt more brave
She performed with her new partner
The clown didn’t like him much
He was too humourless and not in his style at all.
But that was a merely professional observation
The clown had started to be free...
© Karl Thornley 1997