Funny Stories

Do you wanna see my page in a different colour??...Move your mouse over the colour you want... Green... or Purple... or Magenta... or Bright green... or White... or Brown... or Aqua... or Yellow... or Red...

Index to page

Amusing Stories?

(For NEW Stories, see )

STOP PRESS: Latest news:

Bugs in Wife 1.0

When you're planning those computer upgrades, you'll need to know this sort of thing. Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for his applications. Furthermore, though operation with DOS is fine, Wife 1.0 doesn't do some WINDOWS operations. He is also noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run at all as Wife 1.0 crashes the system when they're selected (even though they always worked before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-ln-Law 55.8 and Brother-ln-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- - Minimize button
- - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

KNOWN BUGS! !

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

Try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Go the top of the page

For my friend Rinka.

(Click on the graphic to E-Mail him).

Subject: Lawyers

The following was recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Assn. Lawyers Journal, and are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?

A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?

Q. She had three children, right?

A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?

Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up, also?

Q. Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A. I went to Europe, sir.
Q. And you took your new wife?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Can you describe the individual?

A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was he a male or a female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q. You were not shot in the fracas?

A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. I have been since early childhood.

A joke about Beer

Go the top of the page

One Line Puns Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. Prejudiced people are all alike. What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? Those who judge others will burn in Hell! Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be. Evil is not all bad. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness (or, It's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous). There's no such thing as non-existence. Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard. I disagree with unanimity. I have my doubts about disbelief. Avoid Alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. One should never generalize. Avoid cliches like the plague. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. Profanity sucks. I always try to do things in chronological order. A Plateau is the highest form of flattery. I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

Go the top of the page

A few Words from my new WebPage Master(?) - DeeJ.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Go the top of the page

Do You Have Two Cows?

-----------------------------------

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts Them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them And puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of Them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and They go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what You can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or Your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and Denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You Gotta have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

----------
From: Kalpana Shanker[SMTP:kalps]

MAD!

Go the top of the page

Most of you must have read MAD Magazine, the whacky one with its characteristic humour. And know Alfred E. Neuman. He's the freaky little kid that has appeared on almost every MAD cover, and also has had a "thought provoking" quote in just about every issue. Some of his quotes sound so intelligent that they might lead you to believe that he's not a complete idiot. But he is. Anyway, here are a few gems ... Alfred E Neuman quotes ....

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"It's a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again!"

"Politicians are people who get sworn in and cursed out!"

"When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!"

"A lawyer is someone who writes a 40-page document and calls it a brief!"

"A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!"

"Most people are too lazy to open the door when opportunity knocks!"

"Most minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set!"

"Most people don't act stupid: it's the real thing!"

"A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!"

"Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."

"These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar."

"You know the Honeymoons over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!"

"Too often, people who want to offer sound advise give more sound than advice!"

"Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!"

"Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but not to win the lottery?"

*********************************************************************
Susan E. Markham, PhD
Associate Professor
Recreation Management Program Coordinator
School of Recreation and Physical Education
Acadia University Wolfville, Nova Scotia B0P 1X0
Phone: 902 585 1558 Fax: 902 585 1061
HomePage: http://ace.acadiau.ca/fme/srpe/markham/home.htm

Microsoft TV Dinners

Go the top of the page

The following 11 tips are based on true stories:

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
Yes, it's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
When the PC says, "Insert diskette 2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk 1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Stories of the Mentally Deprived

Go the top of the page

's Turn:

These are genuine extracts from letters received by the Department of Social Security in Edinburgh, which deals with public affairs.

I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday I will be glad if you will get me a pension. If you don't hurry up with it I will have to get public resistance.

I cannot get eternity benefit in spite of the fact that I saw the insistence officer. I have eight children. What can I do about it?

I have nothing coming into the house except two sons on the dole. I am visited regularly by the clergy, will you write to the penshions minister for me as I don't know what church he is in charge of? I can do with a penshion as I have no clothes on for a year.

I enclose my marriage certificate with three children. One of these is a mistake as you will find when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why am I not getting allowance for it?

I enclose my certificate with three children. One of them is a twin and died. You ask be he christened. Yes. He was babtised on a half sheet of paper by a certain captain in the Salvation Army.

The man I live with won't work, as he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you please search the record office for him and let me know.

I should like more pension since my son is in charge of a spittoon. I get separate money when he listered.You want to know what part he was wounded. If it is all the same to you, it was in the Dandy Nell.

I am writing to you truly, yes. I was confirmed with a son weighing ten pounds. Let me know if this is what you want to :know because I have fallen In error with the Landlord and need it badly to ~ pay the rent.

In accordance with your instructions I gave birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money badly as quick as you can send it. I have been to bed with the doctor for a week and he doesn't seem to be doing any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to provide it.

Re your dental enquiry. The teeth at the top are alright but the ones in my bottom are hurting.

Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have got two months old baby and did not know anything about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me a form for cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Please send me a form for cheap milk for having babies at a reduced rate.

My son has been unable to attend school. He has had Diorhoer through a hole in his shoe.

Go the top of the page

You know you're an E-Mail Junkie when:

Submitted by: RoseBud 77

1. You wake up at 3:00 A.M. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E- Mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of your plane trip with your laptop on your lap....... and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two just for the free internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 9600 -baud modems!

8. You start using "smileys" in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.You try to hum to communicate with the modem.....and you succeed!!!!

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading".

12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at aol dot com."

13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own "Home Page".

15. You can't call your Mother .....she doesn't have a modem.

16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again!

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

19. You move to a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

20. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden house/brick.html."

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

22. "Mountain Dew" replaces most all of the major food groups.

Go the top of the page

CONTROL OF SUBSTANCES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH
DANGEROUS SUBSTANCES - SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMAN

(DOT Ref: CASH WO123)

ELEMENT:	WOMAN
SYMBOL:	Wo
DISCOVERER:	Adam
ATOMIC MASS:	Accepted at 54kg but may vary slightly from 40kg to 200kg
NATURAL OCCURANCE:	Copious quantities, especially in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

Surface usually covered with painted film
Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known reason
Melts if given special treatment
Bitter if incorrectly used
Found in various stages, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
Yields to pressure applied to correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

Has a great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
Insoluble in liquids, but saturation in alcohol greatly increases activity
MOST POWERFUL MONEY REDUCING AGENT KNOWN TO MAN

COMMON USES

Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car
Can be a great aid to relaxation
VERY EFFECTIVE CLEANING AGENT

TESTS

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

POTENTIAL HAZARDS

Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

Go the top of the page

To be sung to the tune of Don Maclean's 'American Pie' - Hacker Stylee

Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
How UNIX used to make me smile...
And I knew that with a login name
That I could play those unix games
And maybe hack some programs for a while.
But February made me shiver
With every program I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep,
I couldn't take one more spec...
I can't remember getting smashed
When I heard about the system crash
And all the passwords got rehashed
The Day That UNIX Died...
And I was singing:

Chorus:
Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye."
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
This'll be the day that I die

Did you write the new games shell
And do you have faith in the manual?
If b:dennie tells you so...
Well, do you believe in UNIX C
Can hacking save you memory
And can you tell me why vi's so slow
Well, I know that you're in love with C
'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
You just kicked off your shoes
Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
I was a lonely young computer geek
With a program due 'most every week
But I guess that I was meant to freak
The Day That UNIX Died
And I was singin:

(chorus)

Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
The professor really is an ass.
But that's not how it used to be...
When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
And user limits could go to hell
And there was still space on UNIX C.
And while the board was looking 'round
The Chancellor brought the budget down
The classes were adjourned
Evaluations weren't returned
And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
And we wrote programs that weren't whole
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin'...

(chorus)

Helter skelter in the summer swelter
I went in the lab to find some shelter
Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
C stayed up for ten whole days
The hackers really were amazed
Wonderin' how long it all would last.
Well, both the forums were really great
Nobody got us all irate
We had a stroke of luck
The system did not duck
'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
The UNDR-shell was really keen
Do you recall what was the scene
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin...

(chorus)

Our programs were all in one place,
UNIX had run out of space
With no time left to start again...
So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Use every programming trick
'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
And as I watched the system fill
My login process would be killed.
The system just went down
Consternation up at Crown"!!!
The hours went on into the night
And all that we could do was rite
I saw Dennie laughing with delight
The Day That UNIX Died
And he was singin'...

(chorus)

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some stat lab news
But she just cursed and said "grow up"
I went down through the stat lab door
Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
And in the halls the students screamed,
The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
But not a word was spoken
The Vaxes all were broken
And the three folks I admire most
The Father, Frank, and a. G.'s ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The Day That UNIX Died
And they were singin...

So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye"
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...

HTML Version by Omri Weisman
Go to Omri's Computer Humor Page

Go the top of the page

© RED Productions 1995-1999
This page was created using and is updated and maintained by	Choose a page:

Index to page

Amusing Stories?

STOP PRESS: Latest news:

Bugs in Wife 1.0

For my friend Rinka.

(Click on the graphic to E-Mail him).

Subject: Lawyers

A joke about Beer

A few Words from my new WebPage Master(?) - DeeJ.

Do You Have Two Cows?

You know you're an E-Mail Junkie when:

Submitted by: RoseBud 77

CONTROL OF SUBSTANCES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTHDANGEROUS SUBSTANCES - SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMAN

(DOT Ref: CASH WO123)

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

To be sung to the tune of Don Maclean's 'American Pie' - Hacker Stylee

CONTROL OF SUBSTANCES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH
DANGEROUS SUBSTANCES - SAFETY DATA SHEET