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| Volume
3. Issue 2: 3 March 2005 -
Accolades Part 2 - Player of the
year |
With
the season drawing to a close, we
take a look at the main runners
and riders in the race for the
prestigious Rhinos accolades this
season. Next, Player of the Year:
The first half of the season was
difficult for the Rhinos and with
an unsettled team and week after
week drubbings, the task of
picking out a Player of the Year
was looking like it would down to
picking the best from a bad bunch.
However, the introduction of a
host of new faces to the Rhinos
setup has woken the once
beleaguered team, and there are
now a huddle of players who
should rightfully be considered
for the prestigious award (you
get a trophy and everything!).
Not only are some of the new
faces vying for the title, but a
number of the older, more wrinkly
Rhinos have found a new lease of
life in recent months. So, in
true Oscars style, let's have a
look at the potential nominees.
Unfortunately, we can't offer any
clips....
Olly
In the first half of the season,
its fair to say that Olly was
just about the only player who
could hold his head up high at
the end of each game.
Surprisingly really, cos his back
must have been killing him from
the number of times he picked the
ball out of the net. In these
difficult times, Olly produced a
number of fine performances,
keeping Rhinos results down to
rugby scores rather than the
potential cricket scores that
could have been inflicted. His
good form has continued with as
the Rhinos improved and although
he is not as busy as he was
earlier in the season, he has
still been pulling off wonder
saves each week. In particular,
the first half performance
against Clapham Rovers springs to
mind, when the Rhinos somehow
maintained a 1-0 lead thanks to a
string of blinding saves from the
Rhinos number 1.
Andy J
Andy has been instrumental in the
Rhinos revival since joining the
club in November. After a couple
of games at right-back in which
the Rhinos got drubbed, Andy
moved into the centre-back role
and this has coincided with said
revival. He has made countless
goal-saving tackles, several goal
line clearances and I think he
may even have a few assists to
his name after some mazy runs
from defence. Not happy with
that, Andy has also coined a
catchphrase that small children
playing football in the parks
have been heard shouting across
south-west London. So, if you
hear a kid shout "Come on
ref, make a decision" in a
gruff Scottish accent, you know
where it all started.
Mike
Mike has been full of surprises
this season. Firstly, after
starting the season in midfield
and attack, he has been converted
to a left-back and is turned out
good performances every week. Not
only has he shored up the left
side of defence, he has
terrorized opposition defences
with his overlapping runs.
Secondly, despite earning his
living during the week helping
ill people, he has spent his
Sunday mornings trying to fill A
& E with a succession of
crunching (but mostly fair)
challenges. As a result this has
seen Mike crowned with the Rhinos
'Mad Dog' title, and his booking
and his (apparently unjust)
sending-off has only enhanced
this reputation.
Nigel
Nigel is a seasoned Rhinos
campaigner and like Mike, has
found a new lease of life in the
Rhinos team. In fact, since
moving from midfield to right-back,
Nigel has turned in a number of
great performances and is
probably one of the unsung heroes
of the Rhinos revival. He is also
one of the team comedians, and
recently put a smile on
everyone's face by turning up for
a game in skin-tight cycling
shorts along with matching yellow
waistcoat and ankle straps. Nigel
would be a worthy winner of the
Player of the Year crown, and if
he did so, it might even see the
cancellation of the debt he owes
the Rhinos kitty. Only time will
tell.
Chris H
Yet another long-time Rhinos
player, Chris is another player
who has shone in a new position
since moving from left-back to
left-wing. Since this move, Chris
has caused all sorts of problems
with his pace and darting runs,
and has set up a number of goals
for the Rhinos strikers with his
crosses. Chris is also the only
Rhinos player to score from a
corner this season - the only
bright moment in the disastrous 8-1
drubbing to Clapham Rovers.
Warren
Warren's first game for the
Rhinos was as a lone striker
against West London Tigers, a
game that will not be remembered
for this reason, or for the 8-1
score line, but for a certain own-goal.
Despite this auspicious entrance
into the Rhinos family, for some
reason Warren decided to return
for the next game, and has since
added a air of calm to the
normally panic-stricken Rhinos
midfield and at the same time has
racked up five goals, including a
screamer in the victory against
Olympia and a hat-trick against
high-flying Wimbledon Park.
Warren is also the only player
ever to be photographed signing
for the Rhinos, although granted
this was on a camera phone and
took place in a smoky pub. |
|
| Volume
3. Issue 1: 1 March 2005
- Accolades |
With
the season drawing to a close, we
take a look at the main runners
and riders in the race for the
prestigious Rhinos accolades this
season. First up, the Golden Hoof:
With just five games to play,
there are a number of contenders
in the race for the coverted
Golden Hoof award. The rather low
number in the Rhinos goals scored
column means that just about
anyone could win the award,
especially with two games against
bottom of the league Old House
still to play, when hopefully the
goals will flow from all areas of
the pitch. However, at present
there are four main candidates
for the award, with just a single
goal separating them. Currently
joint top with five goals are
Warren and Steve, two of this
season's new recruits, both
brought in through the scouting
of Dan, who incidentally, has no
goals to his name. A goal behind
are two of Rhinos seasoned
campaigners, Toby and Scott.
It could be said that the season
turned on Warren signing on the
dotted line of the registration
form. However, I wouldn't say
that, as his first game saw a 8-1
thrashing. After this initial
blip however, Rhinos performances
have improved greatly and
although goals were difficult to
come by at first for Warren, five
goals in his last four games have
seen him shoot to the top of the
leaderboard. If he can continue
this run, he is a shoe-in for the
Hoof crown, but the opposition
inspired hat-trick against
Wimbledon Park may turn out to be
the icing on the cake. I mean,
surely the keeper can't drop one
at your feet every week.
Warren's main rival is Steve, who
when not hungover or in bed
recovering from a hangover is
proving to be another important
addition to the squad. Steve's
never say die attitude and his
knack of being in the right place
at the right time has helped him
get his five goals, with three
tap-ins from barely a yard out,
much to some of the other Hoof
contenders disgust. However, his
goal against Clapham was class
and was worth the entrance fee
alone. OK, so you don't have to
pay to see the Rhinos, but if you
did have to, that bloke with his
dog and the mother with the
pushchair wouldn't have been
queueing for a refund that day.
Toby is a former Hoof winner,
when is season 2000/2001 he
hammered in five goals, a mighty
total considering Rhinos only
managed 25 goals that season.
After a barren first six games
when service was limited, Toby
hit four goals in four games,
including the best free-kick to
be scored by a Rhinos player this
season, when he deceived the
Razors keeper with the snail-like
pace of his shot. However, Toby
has hit another barren patch, and
despite putting in a tremendous
amount of work up front, he has
failed to muster a goals since
January 16th. None the less, Toby
can not be ruled out of the Hoof,
what with his goalscoring
pedigree and admirable
determination to beat the fellow
competitors. This experience
might just pay off in the race to
the finish line.
Last, but certainly not least, is
Scott. Scott started the season
at right-back but recent
competition for places in defence
has seen Scott pushed up into the
striker's role, where he has
undergone a new lease of life.
Despite spending what some might
say an unreasonable length of
time on the bench, the goals have
flowed for Scott, and he has now
fought his way back into first
team reckoning with a string of
hard-working and determined
performances. He has also scored
some spectacular goals, an
overhead kick against Hawks
opened his account and his recent
chip against Wimbledon Park paved
the way for the most amazing
comeback in recent times. Again,
like Toby, Scott's experience in
the lower echelons of football
may just see him win the crown,
and it would certainly be a
cinderella story for a player
used to taking up the easily
forgotten position of right-back.
So there are the main contenders.
However, it might be interesting
to look at who hasn't found the
net. There has been a complete
lack of goals from defence this
season - Mike and Chris R have
played the highest number of
games but have failed to hit the
target once, although both have
had efforts cannon off the bar.
Fellow regular defender Nigel has
also failed to get on the
scoresheet, despite playing a
couple of games as striker,
before being dragged back to the
position of right-back.
Additionally, although Andy J
sports white boots, that has so
far been the only similarity with
Di Canio. These four must be
looking at getting on the
scoresheet, and with a few games
left against strugglers, expect
to see some mazy runs from the
back. |
|
| Volume 2.
Issue 2: 1 May 2001 - Rhino
survival rests on a knife edge |
The
trade in Rhino horns for daggers
is wiping out both black and
white rhinos, and only Wandsworth
has succeeded in blocking
poachers who can earn a pretty
penny per kilo.
By Wayne Kerr in Elephant
and Castle
THE illegal trade of Rhino horns
from Wandsworth to Richmond,
where they are used to make
dagger handles, threatens to wipe
out the region's rhino
population, pundits say.
In the past 3 years nearly 100lb
of Rhino horn has been imported
into Brixton. Based on an average
horn weighing 1lb 6oz, more than
60 Rhinos have been poached since
1998 to meet the demand.
In response to appeals by pundits
throughout South London, the
League's monitoring programme
Weapon is investigating
preventive measures, including
the use of sniffer dogs.
A survey by Weapon in 1997 found
that outside southern Clapham
only 19 white rhinos and 2 black
rhinos remained in the world.
Rhino populations are growing,
but their recovery rate is slow
and the black rhino is listed by
the World Conservation Union as
'critically endangered'.
Rhino horns, which have been
traditionally used in ornaments,
are in high demand in Battersea,
where they are used to make the
handle of the Butterfly dagger
traditionally carried by all
Tooting men.
A dagger with a Rhino handle is a
prized accessory and daggers with
antique Rhino handles can fetch
as much as £0.50p.
The senior programme officer for
Bay Lend, Hunter Moore, said the
trade in rhino horns had declined
in recent years, but added: 'This
is only because there are so few
Rhinos left.'
Joshua Blashford-Snell-Jones, a
pundit who has spent years
studying the trade in Rhino
horns, said the demand remained
high in Clapham and the trade
continued despite Wandsorth
council's legislation in 1998
banning imports of rhino horn.
Seasoned Rhinos Toby Offen and
Dan Strathearn were warned to
keep their horns sheathed and to
be careful where it was whipped
out.
'Sniffer dogs could make a real
difference in the battle against
the trade in those parts.' |
|
| Volume 2.
Issue 1: 23 Jan 2001 - They've
got their kit off! |
|
THIEVES left
a Sunday league team hiding their
dignity with footballs after
stealing the team strip.
But thanks, in part,
to the South London Press,
the London Rhinos, based on
Wandsworth Common, will no longer
have to expose themselves to the
elements.
Opportunists struck on Christmas
Eve when they took a bag filled
with the dirty kits from club
chairman Toby Offen's car.
He said: "We're just a
Sunday league team, we all work
for a living and this is our
outlet.
"I doubt the thieves even
knew what they were taking. They
probably dumped it somewhere once
they discovered it was just dirty
football kits."
When the SLP heard the
team's sad story, we were happy
to help and donated £150 towards
the team's new strip.
Mr. Offen said: "We're
really grateful for the generous
donation and, now we've got the
kit, we can stop asking other
teams to lend us stuff."
He added the last few weeks have
been a complete nightmare.
He said: "We had to contact
the Wandsworth and District
League organisers whenever we
were supposed to play and tell
tham what colour we were playing
in.
"It's had to change from
week to week, depending on whose
kit we've borrowed."
But, despite the inconvenience,
the lads of the London Rhinos
remain philosophical about the
event.
Mr. Offen said: "Obviously
we were fed up about the theft,
but there's no point in dwelling,
we just need to look to the
future." |
|
| Vol 1. Issue
3: 13 Oct 1999 - Fan Club
- The Legendary Matt Maguire -
Mendezzzzz!! |
| This week
sees the launch of The Horned
Animals - The Official Fan Club
of the London Rhinos. To join,
please e-mail the fan club manger
at: london.rhinos@virginnet.co.uk Membership
is free. Benefits include
complimentary season ticket to
Rhinos’ matches home and
away. Free admission to our
training ground the Plumbers Arms
in Victoria where you will be
able to meet and drink with team
members. As a special incentive
to build up our fan base, every
twentieth member to join up via
the Internet might be bought a
pint. If you turn up with two
passport photos and £20, you
might even get a game for the
legendary Rhinos.
DID
YOU KNOW?
The
following DID YOU KNOW? is an
excerpt from the Haydn Parry Book
of Football Irrelevance: It
concerns the now mythical
appearance of Matt Maguire in the
Rhinos first match ever last
season. (We lost 10 - 0!!!)
Way
back in Autumn 1998, the Rhinos
part-assembled a plucky but
inexperienced side to play the
team's inaugural competitive
match at Purley Way. The
opposition, PSV Greenacres,
sponsored by a Dutch Electronics
giant, were most amused by the
fact the Rhinos had just nine
players at kick off and, due to
an unfortunate accident after 60
seconds (27 ACTUALLY. ED) to Bob
'Rhinosize' Collins, were soon
down to eight men. Bob had made
the fatal mistake, after his
obligatory pre-match pack of
fags, of attempting to move about
after kick-off. The Rhinos were 5-0
down at half-time, after a siege
akin to Rourke's Drift, with
Nigel Lloyd playing the part of
Michael Caine, Andrew Riddoch as
a passable Stanley Baxter and a
rotund PSV sweeper called Mendez
as Chief Cetawayo. Wave after
wave of PSV attacks began with
the shrill cry of MENDEZZZZ!! as
their spiritual leader.
Reinforcements were required
desperately. After 70 minutes,
and by now 8-0 down, they arrived.
Matt Maguire strode boldly to
pitchside, with his kemosabe, the
Iroquois indian, Matt Abrahams,
by his side. Maguire took over
between the posts and,
incredibly, ended his Rhino's
career just 360 seconds later, as
his knee folded under the weight
of his impressive girth. We lost
10-0 and Maguire was never heard
of again. His was the shortest
Rhinos career of them all.
More
Rhino revelations next week. All
anonymous contributions welcome.
Confidentiality and discretion
assured at all times. Please e-mail
the editor at: london.rhinos@virginnet.co.uk
|
|
| Vol 1. Issue
2: 6 Oct 1999 - Goal Of
The Century (According to Iain
Pearce). |
| In case
your grandchildren ever ask you
about the ‘Goal of the
Century’ and you can’t
even remember who scored it
through a brown haze of Alzheimer’s
disease and incontinence. I’ve
Got the Horn has commissioned a
piece by the man himself, which
goes someway to explaining why he
didn’t pass the ball to any
one of three people, who were all
in better positions than himself
to deliver the final coup de
grace. Initially, the purple
prose ran to some ninety pages
but our editors can now offer you
a digestible selection of history
in the making: "The game
had hit a bit of the lull, man of
steel Offen and I had been
discussing which of us should
take the initiative and raise the
pace. There was a bit of needle
as the big man was obviously keen
for a bit of glory, but
fortunately the ball fell from
the heavens to me following the
break up of another clumsy Suzy Q
attack by the stubborn Rhino
midfield. I could hear destiny
calling.
Space was tight
but good running ahead by Aussie
Dave and Matt Handy opened some
space. I surged forward, blood
coursing with the thrill of the
thrust into centre mid. The Suzy
Q midfield lurched in, skipping
right of the first tackle and
then darting back inside the
second I found myself half way
into oppo territory. Recognising
the threat of genuine pace the
Suzy Q defence made the perilous
mistake of backing off. A gap
opened up - it was decision time
- Hoist a far post cross or nudge
the ball into the gap and put the
pedal to the metal?
The roar from
the Rhino bench extinguished any
brief doubt, the hungry calls of
the Rhino front line for a pass
would have to wait, and this was
high noon.
I hit the gap,
its fair to say that the turn of
speed was immense, and although
Suzy Q's centre back and left
back dived in, they were more of
a threat to each other as they
played catch up - it was keystone
cops stuff. Mind racing I honed
in on target, only the dwarf in
goals to beat now. But no I've
been here before - and there's
always more than one foe in these
battles. That old enemy the human
mind was stalking me - self-doubt
and indecision briefly flashed
across my mind, but there was the
voice, the inner strength
recanting like an ancient mantra
'hit the target and you shall
find your destiny'.
I drove, true
and like an arrow, for the net.
There was a flick on the
despairing keepers glove, but the
result could never be in doubt.
Glee unbridled joy and
celebration broke out around the
park. The bench erupted into
shouts of 'spawny f*****' and the
slightly unfair (given my modesty)
'We'll never hear the end of
this'. I wheeled away one finger
aloft, the man with the dog loved
it, momentarily dropping the
lead, and almost swallowing his
mint imperial he added to the
crescendo of noise with an
approving cough, the dog barked.
I was in dreamland now - this was
Rhino Heaven."
It
is rumoured that Mohammed El
Rhined, the Rhinos’
chairman, has authorised the
Rhinos’ manager to make an
approach to sign Benito Carbone
on a free in January. Sources at
Hillsborough reveal that Beni is
keen to come to Bromley, but a
sticking point is likely to be
the managers reluctance to smash
the wages ceiling of £20 and two
photos.
This
edition sees the launch of a new
column - DID YOU KNOW? - intended
to broaden our fans knowledge of
both the club and its players.
The first feature reveals Iain
Pearce’s childhood claim to
fame. The following excerpt is
from the current Guinness Book of
Records:
DID
YOU KNOW?
On
June 2nd 1977 Mr Iain Pearce (GB)
grazed his knee playing football
in his primary school’s
playground in Huddersfield, West
Yorkshire. He went on to swear an
incredible 14 mins 7 secs without
stopping or once repeating a
swear word. Last week, he
attempted to better this feat on
BBC TV’s Record Breakers
when he was told that
Huddersfield Town had agreed to
swap both Ken Monkou and Marcus
Stewart plus £3 million for
Sheffield Wednesday’s Andy
Booth. It ended in failure,
however, when he repeated the
words ‘c*** numpty-b******ed
paceless donkey b******’
after 12 mins 58 secs.
More
Rhino revelations next week. All
anonymous contributions welcome.
Confidentiality and discretion
assured at all times.
|
|
| Vol 1. Issue
1: 22 Sep 1999 - Haydn
Parry is in Trouble Again |
| Haydn Parry
is in trouble again. The
outspoken left winger's remarks
concerning the positive approach
of his manager and team mates
have once again landed him in hot
water according to sources at the
club. It is still too early to
talk about possible punishments,
but it is likely that he could be
facing a disciplinary tribunal to
explain himself; in addition to a
hefty fine and possible
relegation to the reserves. The same
source has revealed that two or
three of the first team squad are
currently intending to leave the
Club under the Bosman Ruling mid-season
and go back to Australia to play
for the National Side. This is
despite the Board insisting that
these players are not for sale
and that they figure prominently
in the manager's plans this
season. Rumours have begun to
circulate at the Rhino's training
ground -the Plumbers Arms- that
new contracts are on the table to
avoid a Carbone/ Di Canio
situation developing at the Club.
It is likely,however, that the
players will be going, tempted by
the weather, tanned Sheilas and
the prospect of living in a
country that actually knows what
the Ashes look like. In future,
it has been decided by the Board
that Australian Clubs will not be
able to access player stats and
poach any more star Rhinos, as
the Rhino's website will NOT be
accessible in Australia. There is
little doubt, meanwhile, that the
month of October will have to see
some new faces in key positions,
if a serious title charge is to
be maintained. |
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