The thing is, right, there are worse bands than My Life Story. Not many, admittedly - in fact only Kula Shaker and Reef spring to mind at the moment - but there are a couple. (And Marilyn Manson too, now I come to think of it. And Ocean Colour Scene).However (oh, and The Swans. And the band I saw at Legends the other night, although they might have been some sort of covers band, it was difficult to tell), none of them have come close to the sheer terribleness of My Life Story's exciting hit tune "12 Reasons Why I Love Her", which is almost - almost - the worst record ever made.
(The worst being No Charge by J.J.Barrie, but as I seem to have sucessfully blotted out all memories of that, and as they don't play it down at the indie disco every week, it doesn't trouble me so).
So, you may ask, what it wrong with this particular piece of musical history. Well, first things first: The music. It's hugely, hugely, irritating, plinky-plonky, overblown noise made by a wanker in a shiny suit. But that alone is not justification for hating it so much. There's more. There's the words.
Now, the thing is, most words to pop songs are meaningless drivel. That's what makes most of them so great. However, sometimes a lyric comes along that is just so mind-bogglingly bad that you have to hear it several times to comprehend the sheer terribleness of it all. And that's what 12 Reasons Why is like. It's like the most awful 13-year-old boy's poetry, only set to music, and inexplicably deemed intelligent and really good and stuff by people who ought to know better.
So, what are these lyrics that outrage me so? They are these:
(In case you don't know, the song involves reasons why the singer bloke fancies some girl. But you'd probably guessed that).
1. She prefers the night to day
Okay, this reason isn't too bad actually. I mean, I tend to prefer the night to day. Although I quite like mornings too. But this one is fair enough.
2. She never calls me when she says
Surely this is a total pain in the arse?
3. Motorcycle riding to the south
But surely anyone who owns a motorcycle can do this? I mean, great hairy Hells Angels probably do an awful lot of this, and I bet Shiny Suit man wouldn't want to sing a love song about them, would he?
4. The way she puts her fingers in her mouth
That's what babies do. You want to shag someone who's just a big baby, don't you Shiny Suit Bloke? Admit it, what you do with your spare time is hang around outside primary schools saying "Would you like to see some kittens?"
5. Running just in time to miss our train
See point 2. Although obviously this one depends on which one is the slowest runner. If Shiny Suit Bloke is the slowest runner (which is likely, as he'd obviously be being dead careful not to do anything to his Shiny Suit) then for all he knows she might think it to be a terrible pain in the arse.
6. The old park benches where we scratched our names
Which are presumably slept on by very smelly drunks and tramps and things.
7. She says do or die, seven reasons why
She says do or die? What sort of a toss on toast reason is that? I mean, if she said "Hey mister how about some good hard shagging" or "Hey mister I like your Shiny Suit" then that'd be a perfectly good reason but saying "do or die"? Eh?
8. Her swerving hips and her lip serice
Oh, right. So she looks nice and is good at, erm, stuff with her mouth. We're on slightly firmer territory now.
9. Consumes the hopes of all men dressed in black and flesh
Erm, isn't this just following on from the last one? You can't start a sentance with "Consumes" like that. It's wrong. (Yes, I know I start eery other sentance with And, but there's a point to that). And men dressed in black and flesh? What are they, goths with a penchant for pinky colours or something?
10. She ain't got the time to speed
Ah, so she's afraid of getting stopped by the police then? So, despite all the raciness with the Hells Angels and the bikes and stuff, she's a nice sensible girl at heart? Bo-ring.
11. She leaves the pie, and always, always eats her greens
So someone goes to all the trouble of preparing a pie for her - carefully rolling out the pastry, ensuring that the contents taste delicious, spending hours sweating over a hot oven, and she tosses all this aside and eats a few manky vegetables instead? Ungrateful slapper.
12. She cries do or die
Erm, isn't this the same as number 7, more or less? So, in effect, this is ten reasons why. We're supposed to believe that this bloke is so consumed with passion, and yet he can only come up with 10 reasons why? Pish. However, this is topped by the closing verse bit:
Twelve reasons why I wrote this love song
It's off the cuff
I jotted down a shopping list of love
Now, if you were 13, and you wrote the phrase "A shopping list of love" in
your English lesson, your teacher would scrawl phrases like "See me" and
"Poor work" across your exercise book, and certainly wouldn't suggest that
you go into a career as a songwriter.
Okay, point made. Back to the index, then.