Almost True - Jokes Page 1

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says,

"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan

for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse,

and at eight I do my business with the gusto of a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in,

he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says,

"Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,

sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when,

in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,

"I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

To which the man extends his hand and replies, "The name's Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein"

The stars were out, the moon was high.
We were alone, just she and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes were too.
I knew exactly what she wanted to do.
Go with my courage, I tried my best.
I placed my hand upon her breast.
Her shape was good, her body fine.
I ran my hand along her spine.
I trembled and shook, I felt her heart.
Then I slowly moved her thighs apart.
I knew she was ready.
But I did not know how.
For this was my experience of milking a cow.

Two housewife's met in the grocery store.
One had her shopping trolley filled with Vaseline.
She explained, “They're going to raise the price soon, so I'm stocking up.”
The other woman replied, “I'd never go to such extremes to save money, I'm not that tight".

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost the whole way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

A woman was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time.
She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the well-known Japanese sex therapist.
After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
“Now,” he said. “Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room.” The woman did.
“Now”, he said. “Craw reery reery fass back to me.” The woman did.
The doctor looked at her mournfully and said “I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad,
you haf Ed Zachery Disease.“
“Ed Zachery Disease? What’s that?”

“Vewy sad. It’s when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass.”

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear pants don't you?

A pregnant woman from Londonderry gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and

frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins! - a boy and a girl.

Your brother from Donegal came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate

and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper,

and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time,

so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral,

as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket

that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it,

but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff
with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis look loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds
followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Feck dis, dis budgie jumpin' is too feckin' dangerous for me!!

PART TWO
A minute later, Seamus arrives.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

Why did the Arabs get petrol and the Irish get potatoes?
The Irish got first choice.

A Ballymena man got on the bus in Belfast and nearly had a fit when he was told
the fare was 45 pence, he had a fierce argument with the driver until finally the
driver got so exasperated that he stopped the bus, picked up the man's suitcase
and flung it out of the door and into the River Lagan.
“For goodness sake”, said the Ballymena man. “First you try to rob me, now you try to drown my son.”

Paddy walks into the emergency room of the local hospital with both of his ears badly burnt and says,
“The phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake.”
The Nurse asked, “How did you burn the other ear?”
“I did that,' said Paddy, “when I went to call the ambulance.”

Why did the Irish Siamese twins go to America?
So the other one could drive.

Paddy got stopped by the police for speeding up the motorway -
“No officer, I wasn't speeding, but I've just passed three idiots back there who were".

Ballymena man goes on a tour of the Holy Land, and one of the visits is to the Sea of Galilee,
where there are small rowing boats for hire. The Ballymena man and his mate hear the tour guide
announcing that this is the Sea where Jesus walked on the water, so they decide to hire a rowing boat,
and go for a quick tour round the lake.
The Ballymena man asks the Boat owner "How much to hire a rowing boat", the owner replies,
"£10 for 30 minutes", "WHAT! " says the Ballymena man surprised,
"Now I know why Jesus walked on the water".

“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head”