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It’s a man’s world
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman can go to choose a future life partner from
among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
the flights. However, there is a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from
that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to leave the building.
So a woman goes to the store to find a husband, and on the first floor the sign on the door reads:
'Floor one — these men have jobs.'
The woman reads the sign and says to herself: 'well, that's better than my last boyfriend,
but I wonder what's further up.'
The second-floor sign reads: 'Floor two —
these men have jobs and love children.' 'Great,' thinks the woman, 'but I wonder what upstairs.
The third-floor sign reads: 'Floor three —
these men have jobs, love children and are extremely good-looking.' excited, she goes up to the next floor.
The fourth-floor sign reads: 'Floor four —
these men have jobs, love children, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.'
'Wow!' exclaims the woman, 'very tempting — but there must be more further up!'
The fifth-floor sign reads: 'Floor five —
these men have jobs, love children, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a
very strong romantic streak.'
'Oh, mercy me,' the woman shrieks, 'but just think what must be awaiting me further on.'
so up to the sixth floor she goes. And the sixth-floor sign reads: 'Floor six — you are visitor 3,456,789,012.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at husband mart and have a nice day.'
A man goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."
The baby photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?"
asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
" The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC.......
Travel Centre
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Electronics Company
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Graduates with a science degree ask: "Why does it work?"
Graduates with an engineering degree ask: "How does it work?"
Graduates with an accounting degree ask: "How much will it cost?"
Graduates with an arts degree ask: "Do you want fries with that?"
Did you hear about the fortune teller who went to the doctor because she had hard skin on her feet,
was feeling weak, had bad breath and was convinced she was Mary Poppins?
It was a case of super callus, fragile mystic, septic halitosis.
How do you get four little old ladies to shout "Bugger!" at exactly the same time?
Get a fifth little old lady to shout "Bingo!"
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