Almost True - Jokes Page 4

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times,

and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery.

Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.

The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby,

“I suppose you're the 'fish friar' ”

“No”, answered the brother levelly, “I'm the 'chip monk'.”

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,

and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,

then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor

said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.

Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head,

and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Old man scolds

Jimmy was sat on a bench chomping down one chocolate bar after another.

After the sixth bar, an old man sat on the bench opposite, wandered over.

“Hello son,” he said, “You know eating all that chocolate isn’t very good for you at all.

It’ll give you spots, rot your teeth and make you fat as a pig.”

Jimmy stopped chewing: “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

“Oh?” replied the man. “And did he eat six choccy bars one after another?”

“No, he didn’t,” replied Jimmy, “he minded his own ******* business.”

Drinking is bad for you

A man was waiting for the birth of his child, when the doctor came out and
informed the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son was just a head!
The dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar,
tearfully told the son he was proud of him and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the other drinkers looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent; then burst into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The other drinkers chanted,
"Take another drink"!
The bartender still shook his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Two arms popped out.

The bar went wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again.
The other drinkers chanted, "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignored the whole affair.
By now the boy was getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reached down,
grabbed his drink and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooosh! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father fell to his knees and tearfully thanked God.
The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck ran over him and killed him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned in grief.
The bartender sighed and
said............
"The boy should have quit while he was a head!"

A woman decided to name her children after famous film stars.
When she took her new born baby boy to the church to be christened she told
the vicar she was going to name him Orson, after the film director Orson Wells.
The vicar replied: “Do you really think that’s a good idea, Mrs Cart?”

Almost True

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent
probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

In court you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said,
"Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food,"
said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food
would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words
today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done damn all but
moan since you've been here."

What about the Ballymena man who went to a scrap yard to buy a 2nd hand car door,
the owner asked what car it was for and the Ballymena man replied a “mini",
"yes we have plenty of mini doors said the scrap yard owner,"
"How much are they," said the Ballymena man,
"£25 each", said the scrap yard owner,
"too expensive", said the Ballymena man,
"a scrap yard on the other side of town is selling them for £10 each",
"Why did you not buy one there sir",
"because he does not have any left",
" Ah! But when we have none left ours cost £8 each",
" Okay" said the Ballymena man,” handing the scrap yard owner his phone number,
"as soon as your supply of mini doors runs out, give me a ring and I will come and buy one of yours".

“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot”