|
A coloured guy and a white guy having a chat about racial matters
when the coloured guy states to his white friend;
When you is born brother you is PINK
When you gets cold, you turns BLUE
When you gets embarrassed, you goes RED
When you falls ill, you turns YELLOW
When you gets envious, you turns GREEN
When you dies, you turns GREY
And you has the audacity to call me COLOURED !
A guy sitting at the bar and orders his first pint, just as he is about to lift it for a sip,
a small monkey swings down out of the rafters of the bar,
dips its behind in his pint of beer and swings up in to the rafters again.
The guy calls the Barman and asks, "Did you see what that monkey just did",
"Yes", says the Barman "But I will replace your drink with a new one.
The same thing happens 3 times and the now irate customer says to the Barman
"I am fed up with this, who owns that monkey".
The Barman replies, "The guy in the corner playing the Piano owns it".
"O.K." says the customer, "I will sort him out"
The customer goes up to the Pianist and says,
"Do you know Your monkey dipped his behind in my pint",
"No", says the pianist, "But if you whistle the first line I will try to play it for you".
Maths Of Life:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a man.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a woman
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A Chinese dustman notices a bin is not placed out for collection and knocks on the door to find out why.
A stunning woman opens the door covered in a great shimmering tan.
"Where you bin,” demands the little fella.
"Oh I went to Barbados on a 2 week 5 star cruise" she replies, proud as punch.
The bin man looks confused and says "no, where you wheely bin?”
At this the girl frowns and snaps "Ok, on a ruddy sun bed!" and slams the door shut.
A true story
"I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist!
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that
I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure
I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called into the doctor's
office. Knowing the procedure, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other
side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
"Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Four men went golfing one day.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others,
"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said,
"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership.
He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Porsche, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and he dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued.
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job,
but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house,
a brand new Porsche, and a stock portfolio."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man swears, "******* thing must be an hour fast!!"
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
|
