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Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,
"he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up
about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the redhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks.
"I can't take this, you're my best friend."
The blonde looked at her, "Just take it."
"Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off."
The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
A retired gentleman took a trip to his local social security office in order to apply
for Social Security benefit.
After waiting in line for what seemed an eternity,
he finally got to the counter where a woman asked him for his drivers license, to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and suddenly realised he had left his wallet at home.
He told the lady that he was sorry and seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks her.
"Sir, would you unbutton your shirt please," says the lady.
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
"Well", says the lady, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.
Arriving home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She tells him - "You should have dropped your pants... you might have qualified for disability, too."
Steve, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed and was very interesting.
But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
Steve did not appreciate his candour and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Steve again got upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best one of all three.
It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart, he was handsome,
and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered:
"Yes, you wear contact lenses."
Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man.
How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!!
The Man Who Loved Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry,
he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this"
so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home,
he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes,
farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom)
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly,
he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror,
there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
An elderly Ballymena man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Soda bread wafting up the stairs.
Leaning against the wall, he painfully lifted himself from the bed and slowly made his way out of
the bedroom. With even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite
Soda bread's.
WAS IT HEAVEN? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Harryville wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the Soda bread was already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled reaching for the bread at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Feck off, she said. They're for the funeral.
A huge oil well fire breaks out in the desert, and after days of trying to put it out,
the Sheikhs give up and one of them suggests calling in "Red Adair",
the well known American Oil well fire quencher.
After phoning him, he informs the Sheikhs that he has 3 weeks work on,
and could not attend until after this. The distraught Sheikhs hear of an Irish fire fighter
called "Green Adair" and phone him, offering him £1000,000 to put out the fire
and he agrees to come straight away. By this time, all the worlds leading news stations
are in attendance covering the disaster, when a spluttering green Land Rover comes at speed
across the desert, and ploughs straight in to the middle of the oil well fire.
2 hours later, Green Adair and his 3 mates emerge from the midst of the dying flames,
beating furiously with their overcoats, and the last flames are extinguished.
A top reporter, anxious to get the first interview with this hero, runs up to him and says,
"Mr Adair that was the most fantastic job you did but what is the first thing you will buy
with the £1000,000 you have earned,"
Adair replies, "A new set of brake shoes for that damned Land Rover"
 “I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming”
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