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Infamous church bulletins
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial
Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 P.M. in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
10. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
14. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
15. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
16. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
20. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
21. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.
22. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
23. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 P.M.
The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
INJUN TROUBLE
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave.
One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon,
when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground,
assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian,
I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian.
They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one;
Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse,
but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave
pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to Tie a ribbon
around the dog's privates and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns,
unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties
it carefully around the dog's privates. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed,
falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband' privates.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
privates. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men
eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my home is nearly a foot tall."
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year".
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year".
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month.
You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year”.
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says,
"Go up and inquire if he had to sleep with the SAME cow every night."
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor says, "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
½ box of All bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your rear end is for!"
There were three nuns who unfortunately died and went to heaven.
When they arrived at the pearly gates, St. Patrick said," Before I can let you in,
you have to answer a question each, but don't worry, they're really easy!"
To the first nun he asked:” What was the name of the first woman?"
The Nun replied,” That's easy.... Eve"
"That's correct, you're in," said St. Patrick "Now it's your turn,
what was the garden that Adam and Eve lived in?" Said St Patrick.
"That's Easy.... Eden" Said the second Nun. "And now, because you're the Mother Superior
this question is a little bit more tricky...What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Said St Patrick
"Oh, That's a hard one..."
"Yep you're in!!" said St. Patrick!!
 “My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life”
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