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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies
had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach
and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
A young ventriloquist is away travelling on a road tour.
One night he finds himself doing a gig at a nightclub in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes
when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her seat and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected not only at work
but also in the entire community! You keep us from reaching our full potential and all
because of you and your kind continuing to perpetuate discrimination against,
not only us blondes, but women in general...all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is so embarrassed and begins to stammer out an apology,
when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm not talking to you!
I'm talking to that smart mouth little man on your knee!"
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her
ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some dainties".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"?
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20
pounds, go and buy yourself some!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies.
"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me"., "
For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit.
Wedding Night
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs, and he'll take care of you!" So up the stairs she went. When she
got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria
ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big, hairy
chest." "Don't worry, Maria." said her mother. "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take care of you!"
So up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his pants, exposing
his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony
took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" Her mother replied, "Don't
worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs,
and he'll take care of you." So up she went again. When she got there, Tony
took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When
Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony' got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," said the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother,
"Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded,” Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about.
You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question,
"Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line
of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much,
and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play.
She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with,
"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh.
You weigh 130 pounds." Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;
"he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money,
but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk,
" Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me
a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,"
the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot
~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake
~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows.
Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob
in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says,
"Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down,
now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's,
"Shhh. They're getting closer...."
 “You can’t scare me, I’ve got teenagers”
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