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A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?"
he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said,
"I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton." When he returned the third day he asked,
"I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery
himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Brad is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife Lisa decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports,
so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Brad! How are you tonight?"
Lisa, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
"No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches,
sees Brad and says "Nice to see you, Brad. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen.
You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Brad "I just know her from volleyball"
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Brad and says,
"Brad! A table dance as usual?"
Lisa, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Brad follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Brad have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Brad!"
In pharmacology, all drugs have a scientific name. Tylenol is acetaminophen;
Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been debating an appropriate scientific name for Viagra for some time,
and recently announced that they have settled on mycoxafloppin.
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach,
having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late,
and I don't chase after loose women!!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, YAHOO,
I'm going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork,
so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up
he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he swore he should leave a pile of
dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a damned teddy-bear laying right ******* here beside me when I wake-up on
Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a ******* train going around the damned tree,
and when I go outside I want to see a red ******* bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked,
"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied,” I think I got a ******* dog but I can't find it anywhere."
Answers given on Family Fortunes
---------------------------------------------
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A sign of the zodiac - April
A job a working dog does - Slave
Something with a hole in it - A window
Something people might be allergic to - Skiing
Something associated with pigs - The police
A non-living object with legs - A plant
Something red - My cardigan
Something you beat - An apple
A number you have to memorise - Seven
Some famous brothers - Bonnie and Clyde
Something that floats in the bath - Water
Something in the garden that's green - The shed
Something a blind man might use - A sword
Something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
An animal you might see at a zoo - A dog
A famous bridge - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
A part of the body beginning with the letter N - Knee
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
A famous Royal - Mail
Something slippery - A con-man
A method of securing your home - Put the kettle on
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
The last thing you take off before going to bed - Your feet
Something that makes you scream - A squirrel
Something you have with coffee - Sunday Sport
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something with a red light on it A - Dalek
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
A bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
A dangerous race - The Arabs
Something you would take to the beach - Turkey
An animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Paddy says: “I'm the best liar in the world.
I swam backwards up the Niagara Falls with
My hands tied together.”
Mick says: “That's nothing. I can beat that.”
Paddy says: “Oh yeah? How?”
Mick says: “I saw you do it!”
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me rear end. I'd like ya ta take a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here"
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?."
"Well fur gadness sake take it out man," shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc...
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya kindly, dat's much batter, how much is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
Late for a return flight from Dublin, an American tourist in Ireland jumped into a cab.
"Quick," he said, "get me to the airport as fast as you can!" The cabbie nodded and floored the gas pedal.
Soon they were barrelling along at more than 70 miles an hour.
Just ahead a stoplight was bright red. The cab shot through the intersection without slowing down
in the slightest. "Are you blind?" shouted the tourist. "That was a red light!"
The cabbie was unfazed. "I don't believe in red lights, sir, nor do any of my five cab-driving brothers."
After two more hair-raising hurtles through red lights, the tourist was relieved to see a green light.
But right before the intersection, the cabbie slammed on the brakes. "Are you insane?" yelled the passenger.
"That was a green light!"
"True, sir," replied the cabbie, "But you never know when one of my brothers may be coming through."
 “I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming”
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