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TRUE FUNNY STORIES
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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she
gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
*****
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River,
they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft
is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
*****
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the
(I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
*****
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day,
everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:
a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading,
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Real Ads That Derive Their Humour From Misplacement, Misuse, Etc.
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Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey £2.35; Chicken or Beef £2.25; Children £2.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only £299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for £1.
A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good
about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving
he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35", was the reply.
"I'm actually 47", the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch,
and asks the Order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way
of telling a mans age. If I put my teeth in and kiss you for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her kiss him.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "You are 47." Stunned the man says,
"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
An ugly, old fat Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the
old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old
Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the
elevator she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a kilo."
 “I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance”
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