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A blind man is walking down the street with his Seeing Eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic
zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately
not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street,
and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says
to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
This bloke is in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning and there's a really bad storm
going on. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.
"Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"
"No, clear off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, you are a twat.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from
the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to clear off??"
So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door,
and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men,
and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use
and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful!
What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this:"
"...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the judge.
To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles...
"...And said (pointing to the small circle) this is your rear end before prison..."
70+-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.
Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically.
And you seem to be doing great mentally & emotionally".
"I'm at peace and have a specially good relationship with God",
George replied. "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night,
poof!...the light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off! HE lights my path!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine.
Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and God turns the bathroom light on & off for him?"
"Oh heavens", Thelma replied, "The darn old fool is peeing in the fridge again!"
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."
Neighbour: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him."
Neighbour: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."
Neighbour: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."
Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
Last Wish
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and screams,
"I'm too young to die!" Twice more she wails, "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!"
She shakes and sobs for a just a moment, and then gathers her courage and continues,
"Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!
Well I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman."
He's gorgeous: Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the
trembling woman and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and whispers...
"Iron this."
A guy wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
When he asks if they can remove the gorilla they ask,
"Is it a male or a female?"
"Male", he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with this stick
until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's privates off.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun"?
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string,
the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."
"What? That sucks," said the string.
So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends.
A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
An old lady was lying on her deathbed and her husband was sitting by her side when the wife
turned to her husband and said, "I have to tell you something. In my underwear drawer is a black box.
Look in it and come back to me and tell me what you see.
So the husband went home and looked in the box and found £50,000 and 3 eggs.
The next day the husband went back to his wife and said he had found £50,000 and 3 eggs,
and then he asked what the money and eggs where for.
The wife replied, "Each time we made love and I was disappointed I put 1 egg in the box."
The husband smiled because there were so few eggs in the box,
but his wife quickly noticed the smile out of the corner of her eye and said,
"Every time I collected 1 dozen eggs I would sell them in the market and put the money in the black box."
A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital,
and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?'" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,
"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him.
Later they were driving down the road and they went around a corner and crashed.
A farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him, “are either of them showing any life signs?”
The farmer then said, “well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way.
 “I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always”
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