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A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work
on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run
to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person,
a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real
conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same
downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?"
asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some
of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
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OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm
taking the kids and moving in with my sister.
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
Who Wears The Pants?
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride
and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants
in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and
found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess " I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into my castle
with my mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and be happy doing so"
That night while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought .......
......."I don't think sooooo".
A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love
again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home
and we make love again, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long,
we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forget where I live."
The teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
“My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.”
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Johnny jumps up and says,
“Our next door neighbour was painting his house with a two-inch brush
and my Dad says it'll take the contagious.”
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day.
One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.'
So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingy,'
which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now?
"Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door?
"Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine," she says
"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so." I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house,
he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.
So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so".
 “I started out with nothing & still have most of it left”
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