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Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
for sure.... Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by
trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new
six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some
bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in
excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 lbs. Due
to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions
and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report
form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal
of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The employee looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were
Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done in the first place.
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked,
"Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied.
"I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said.
"Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you
to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
The blond had been married about a year when one day she came running
up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband
started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said, "I'm pregnant!"
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack
home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!
The Mole Family
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs
the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to
sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the
way so he says, Geez, all I can smell is....
MOLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!
 “All men are animals, some just make better pets”
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