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It's a jungle out there...
One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story
and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first
volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every
Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs
and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story...
Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched"
Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam War, his plane was shot down over
enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and
a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the
middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets,
so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke,
so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...
Chris replies, "Don't mess with my Uncle"
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone,
a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast,
and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudging his faithful friend, and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Watson, you twit. Somebody stole our tent."
Avon stink
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was using the lift.
Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart.
Since no one was in the lift, she let it go - and it was a real stinker.
Of course, the lift then stopped at the next floor,
so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.
A man entered the lift and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
A Genie Can Do Anything...
A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.
Upon examination, he sees that it's a genie's lamp.
He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the genie of the lamp.
I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."
The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said,
"It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me.
You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region.
I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."
The genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish.
The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years.
The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area.
Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part
of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.
I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"
"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men.
I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry?
What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do?
I wish I could fully understand women."
The genie replied, "Let me see that map again."
??? in the girls room
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls
starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would press their
lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought he'd better do something.
He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night.
He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a bedraggled brush on a long handle out of a box.
He dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
The three types of bra
The man walked into the ladies department at M&S.
Somewhat flustered, he shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and stuttered,
"Excuse me, but, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"OK. What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
Beads of sweat began rolling down his back and forehead.
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a veritable ocean of bras in every shape,
size, colour and material.
"Take heart," she said smiling. "You know, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras..."
Relieved, yet a bit confused, the man asked what were the types.
The clerk replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"
More confused our here asked, "What is the difference?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A Nurse that takes it backwards
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient
an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh NO!", said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
 “In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested”
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