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How many old codgers does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but it takes another 15 to sit around moaning about
How the old one was better.
Ever wonder why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder?
All the DNA is the same & there's no dental records....
Little Matthew and his family were having a big
family dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Matthew received his plate he started eating right away.
"Matthew, wait until we say our prayer," his mother said.
"I don't have to, " the boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Matthew explained.
"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it,
so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos. . . .
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. "
"Wow, " said the blonde, "that's amazing. . . I'm going to buy it! "
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that? " He asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . .
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
The boss inquires, "What do you have in it? "
The blonde replies, "Two Popsicles and some coffee."
What PMS stands for
1.) Pass My Shotgun
2.) Psychotic Mood Shift
3.) Perpetual Munching Spree
4.) Puffy Mid-Section
5.) People Make me Sick
6.) Provide Me with Sweets
7.) Pardon My Sobbing
8.) Pimples May Surface
9.) Pass My Sweatpants
10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.) Plainly; Men Suck
12.) Pack My Stuff
13.) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
14.) Problems Men Start
...and my FAVORITE one...
15.) Potential Murder Suspect
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife, a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here," and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next."
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
"Is it mine?
She was so blonde that when she heard that 90% of all crimes happened
around the home, she moved.
How To Impress The Opposite Sex
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer
A business man gets into an elevator in a building. A blonde already
inside greets him and says, "T-G-I-F" He smiles back and replies
"S-H-I-T". She looks at him, puzzled, and says "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledges her by again answering "S-H-I-T". Still trying to be
friendly, the blonde smiles her biggest smile and says as sweetly as
possibly, "T-G-I-F". The man smiles back and again replies, "S-H-I-T".
The blonde finally decides to explain things, and says, "T-G-I-F: Thank
Goodness Its Friday - get it?" To which the man replies, "Sorry Honey,
It's Thursday".
A blonde woman is crossing the road when she gets hit by a car.
She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to help her.
"Are you all right?" he asks. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. "Oh No!" she wails,
"Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
Suddenly the pilot warned them it had caught fire and was starting
To nosedive to Disaster.
Worse, he’d just discovered there were only four parachutes on board.
The lawyer, pilot and blonde each grabbed one and jumped from the plane.
With only one chute left, the priest told the student: “You take it my son.”
“It’s OK,” said the student, “there’s still one for each of us. The blonde
girl took my backpack.”
“Dad guess what? I’ve got a part in the school play,
I play a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
“Well done, Son. Keep at it and maybe one day you’ll
get a speaking part.”
A blonde was hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for
coffee. Eager to do well on her first day on the job, she grabbed a large
thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the
coffee shop worker came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big
enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at
the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks
like about six cups to me."
"Great!" said the blonde, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
 “I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it”
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