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A lawyer, a student, a priest and a blonde girl were aboard a plane.
Suddenly the pilot warned them it had caught fire and was starting
to nosedive to Disaster.
Worse, he’d just discovered there were only four parachutes on board.
The lawyer, pilot and blonde each grabbed one and jumped from the plane.
With only one chute left, the priest told the student: “You take it my son.”
“It’s OK,” said the student, “there’s still one for each of us. The blonde
girl took my backpack.”
“Dad guess what? I’ve got a part in the school play,
I play a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
“Well done, Son. Keep at it and maybe one day you’ll
get a speaking part.”
A blonde was hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for
coffee. Eager to do well on her first day on the job, she grabbed a large
thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the
coffee shop worker came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big
enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at
the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks
like about six cups to me."
"Great!" said the blonde, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Feminine Language
A must-read for all men. Keywords and their meanings:
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we
are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how
woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing
last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing
your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at
least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get
raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we
can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Seminars For Women
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are
now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs, and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Own
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.
Embezzled Millions
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with
his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The
Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand
you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three
million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're
talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant,
cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind
the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the
guts to pull the trigger."
 “Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way”
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