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Dad: “How were your exams today son?”
Son: “Underwater.”
Dad: “What do you mean?”
Son: “Below C level.”
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband to start packing
right away because she had won the lottery.
“That’s fantastic,” he said. “Shall I pack for warm or cold weather?”
“Whatever you want,” she replies. Just as long as you’re out of the house by midday.”
“I just can’t find the cause of your illness,” said the doctor.
“I think it may be due to drinking.”
“In that case,” replied the patient, “I’d better come back when you are sober.”
A drunk was laughing at a horse owner fitting a nosebag on his horse.
“You’ll never do it,” chuckled the inebriate.”
“Do what?” replied the man.
“You’ll never get that horse in that bag.”
A man dies and goes to hell
Satan shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose which one will spend eternity in.
The first room is full of people standing up to their necks in cow manure.
The man says: “No thanks, show me the next room.”
So Satan shows him the next. This has people with cow manure up to their noses.
Again, he says no.
Finally, Satan shows him the third room. This is full of people with manure up to their knees,
drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. The man decides that’s the one.
So he is standing in there, eating cake and drinking his tea, thinking: “Well, it could be worse.”
Then the door opens. Satan pops his head in and says: “O.K, tea-break is over. Back on your heads.
Counting Sheep
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He
then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked; and you know jack sh*t about my business..."
" ... Now give me back my dog"
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