Almost True - Jokes Page 34

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...
He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break
- strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day,
they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who
would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found
the boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the boss, "this is a very sensitive and important document here,
and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

OFFICE DICTIONARY

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED":
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON":
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES":
I hope you don't ask me about all the Jobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK":
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I AM ADAPTABLE":
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO":
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

“If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!”