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THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages
the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man :- "Hello!"
Woman :- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man :- "Yes!"
Woman :- "I am at the shopping mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It is only £800.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man :- "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much!"
Woman :- "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealership and saw one I really liked!"
Man :- "How much?"
Woman :- "£60,000!"
Man :- "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options!"
Woman :- "Great! Oh, one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They are asking £650,000!"
Man :- "OK then, go ahead and make them an offer but just for £600,000!"
Woman :- "Alright, I will do that. I love you!"
Man :- "Bye, I love you too!"
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.
Then he asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 European Union - Your Future Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
This will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
A leggy blonde had no problem flagging down a car on the country road,
and the driver asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm a magician," she purred.
"Get away!" he cried. I don't believe you. Prove it, then."
Leaning over, she touched him on the knee and within seconds he had turned into a motel.
A bloke sticks his head in the door of the busy barber's and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours,. mate," at which point the bloke leaves.
A few days later the same bloke sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around his shop full of customers and replies: "About two hours." Again, the bloke leaves.
A week later exactly the same thing happens, with the bloke asking the same question and leaving after the
same response.
The barber nods to one of his customers and says: "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
Ten minutes later Bill returns. "Where did he go?" asked the barber. "To your house!"
A man was walking through a cemetery when he heard a voice wailing: "Why did you have to go and die?"
On his way back an hour later he heard the same man again.
Being nosey, he went up to the man and asked: "Did you know the dead person well?"
The man said: "We never met. He's my wife's first husband."
A woman rings up a mail order-catalogue firm and says: "I'd like to buy some incontinence pants."
"That's fine," came the reply. "Where are you ringing from?"
"From my waist downwards."
A blonde gets a job as a teacher. On her first day, she notices a boy standing on the playing field on his own,
while all the other pupils are enjoying a game of football.
Some time later, she sees the same boy is still standing there all on his own.
So she goes up to him arid asks him if he's OK. He replies: "Yes, Miss."
She says: "But why are you standing here on your own?"
He replies: "Er, because I'm the goalie, Miss."
Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar. One turns to the other and says:
"Pardon me, but I can tell by your accent that you're from Ireland."
The other says: "So I am -I'm from Dublin."
"So am I!" says the first man. "So which street did you live in?"
"I lived on Mc Cleary Street," he replies.
The other says: "Fancy that - so did I! And where did you go to school?"
"I went to St Mary's, of course." "Amazing! So did 1.1 left in 1984."
"Well, it's a small world.
That's the very year I left, too."
At that point, another customer walks into the pub and goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to him, shakes his head wearily and says:
"It's going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Three vicars were talking about bats in their belifries.
The first said: "I catch them, take them miles away and release them, but they always return after a few days."
The second said: "I fire a shotgun into the air to scare them but they still come back."
The third says: "I catch them one by one, baptise them and never see them in church again."
A wife is nagging her how many women he has bedded and he finally gives in.
"Let's see," he says, counting on his lingers. "Eleven. 12. 13, you. 14,15,16..."
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time, an onion with long ears.
But every once in a while you get an ass so great that it brings tears to your eyes.
A fighter pilot sits himself down at the bar and orders a drink.
A young woman joins him, notices his military dress and strikes up a conversation:
Are you a real fighter pilot?" "Lady, I've spent my whole life flying jets," explains the ace,
"deploying to war zones, shooting down bandits... you bet I'm a fighter pilot. Damn good one as well."
The pair sip their drinks, another few minutes pass, then the woman speaks up:
"I'm a lesbian," she reveals, "spend my whole day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I watch TV, I think' women'. I even think about women when I eat.
Everything makes me think of women."
Again, the pair take a sip from their glasses and sink back into a contemplative silence.
A stranger wanders over, orders a drink and settles down next to the pilot: "Hey! Are you a real fighter pilot?"
The pilot lifts his glass: "You know, son, I always thought I was... but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
 “Start off every day with a smile and get it over with”
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