Humour and Jokes
We at M.E. Support firmly believe that laughter is a contributor to good health, to the extent that at our group meetings we try to promote the good things in life so that people enjoy themselves; after all, who wants to sit around morosely and talk depressingly about how bad their muscle aches and stomach upsets have been? Anyway, here are a selection of jokes from our past newsletters.
If you would like to submit a joke, please email it to Jackie using the tab on the left – anything is better than Jackie’s usual level of humour! (And NO, I refuse to remove this comment, Jackie!!)
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,and staggers up
to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for
him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar
stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the
SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender
comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,refuses service to the man due to his
inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking
his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops
himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN!
How many bars do you work at?
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested
that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and
our friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our
friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the
black.
The South Staffordshire narrow canal boatman’s horse was taken ill and sadly died. He
bought another, sightly bigger, horse and unfortunately when passing under a low bridge
the horse became stuck. He went to his boat and got a hammer and chisel and proceeded to
chip away at the brickwork.
Presently, a policeman appeared on the bridge and, looking down, asked him what he was
doing. The boatee replied: “Cor yo see? Me hoss is stuck.”
The policeman suggested that the boatee should get a shovel and dig underneath the
horse’s feet. The boatee looked up at the policeman and said with such scorn and
derision:
“You’ll never get promotion. Cor yo see? It’s his ruddy yed what’s
stuck, not his ruddy feet!”
Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink. Frank says, "You know what
happened? An angel was sent down to compile a list of the dishonest lawyers on Earth. Six
months later he dragged himself back to Heaven, exhausted. Believe me, he told God, it'd
be easier if I just made note of all of the honest lawyers on Earth. In fact, I think I
could do that in a weekend. God said, fine. Come Monday morning, the angel turned in his
list and God said, That's terrific. Now I think you should send all the lawyers on this
list a note of congratulations."
Frank pauses and sips his Scotch. Then he says, "There was a postscript to the angels
note. You know what it was?"
Harry says, "No."
"Aha! So you didn't get one either!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had
died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds' laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1,000, and asked the little man, "What
do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."