Zipped entries by date:- 11-26/2/00 / 1/1-1/2/00 / 6-7/1/00 / 17/12/99-5/1/00 /
"It's getting close to the day we announce the winners of the Sydney Writers' Festival haiku competition (if you haven't sent yours in you are way too late). But we know all of Australia has been a-twitter over exactly what glittering prize awaited the pick of the poets. Was it a gold pass to the Olympics? No, not intellectual enough. Could it be a tomato sauce sandwich with ghosts of SIT editors past? No, not fulfilling enough. A spot on Popstars? Nice try, but we don't have that kind of pull.
The six winners of the haiku competition will have their winning haiku embroidered onto the rear of a lovely pair of Y fronts or women's hipsters designed by Therese Waters of Twit Designs.
Lest you think this is in any way denigrating the poetic muse, keep in mind that Waters is a haiku writer herself, produced a range of Christmas haiku undies and had haiku undies as part of her final-year exhibit for her BA at UWS. At SIT we put the arse into class."
And from the U.K's Telegraph:-
THE new Archbishop of Westminster, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, is unpacking in his new home. He is surrounded by boxes bearing the logo of the removal firm: Bishop's Move.
And follow this link to see "Row, row, row that boat..."
And Finally, with thanks to Alex (in England)for this bit of Australian humour!
This link is a very useful one for those interested in security (as anyone reading this page ought to be).
RICARDO HERFT, of West Ryde, suggests declaring July 1 as "Australian National GST Day"
- or "ANGST" Day.
Thank you and good night!
(For those of you who live overseas GST stands for Goods and Services Tax, similar to and just as expensive as VAT in the UK.)
Talking of the UK, here's another bit from the SMH about Her Maj's tour over here (Ok so it's a fairly weak link, it's the best I can do so you'll have to put up with it:-)
THE KINGS, of North Epping, will not forget their brush with fame on Monday.
Sharon King took Liam, 7, and Rowan, 11, to see the Queen and Prince Philip at Darling Harbour.
They were standing behind the barriers when, says Sharon, Prince Philip reached through, took Liam by the hand and said: "Go and see her."
Liam marched up to HM, presented her with a rose, and announced and showed his great news: "I got my new front tooth today."
Courtiers cracked up. A smiling Prince then returned him, saying: "This boy's shoelace is undone - who owns him?"
A speechless Sharon reclaimed Liam, while Rowan stuck out his hand and said:
"G'day mate, how yer going?"
"You're very Australian," said the Prince.
And now, thanks to Robert for the following joke:-
John Smith looks over his garden fence and sees his neighbour's son, Jimmy, filling in a hole in the ground.
"What're you doing Jimmy?" he asks,
"I'm burying my Goldfish" replies the little lad,
"Why's the hole so big?" asks Mr Smith,
"'cos he's in your bloody cat's tummy" replies the little lad !
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me""
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded.
"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
And.......
For those interested in sharks (there have been several incidences of shark attack here in Sydney lately) click here for the Sydney Morning Herald's article on the subject. Jaws eat your heart out!
Also.......
Thanks to Barry for this apochryphal tale from the Australian Government.
Whenever a new member of Parliment is voted in they inevitably make their maiden
speech to a reasonably full house as existing members naturally want to find out
how much of an orator he or she is.
As is often the case when a new member represents a rural constituency, some fall
unwittingly into the trap of starting their speech with the words:-
"Now, I'm a country member...."
Whereupon, some wag from the back benches can always be relied upon to shout out:-
"Yes, we remember!"
In Pharmacology all drugs have generic names...
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Avdil is Ibuprophen and Rogaine is
Minoxodil. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and
announnced today that they have settled on:
"mycoxafloppin".
Look in Jokes page 4 for another Parrot Joke
More from the Stay in Touch people @ the Sydney Mornning Herald on the "Haiku" thing.
Today marks the last day of entries to the SIT/Sydney Writers' Festival haiku competition. To be honest, we've been impressed, and not simply because most of us thought that "haiku" was the Japanese expression for "sneeze" (that, of course, is "shiatsu!" Isn't it?) Not surprisingly, the prospect of volunteering a three-line, 17-syllable poem including the word "eternity" held a great appeal to earnest students of literature in all manner of academic environments throughout the State. Including the fruit of Robyne Ridge's Year 9 English class at Kinross Wolaroi School in Orange:
This from Brendon Rackham:
The brick on the wall
is eternity. The brick
has a fly on it.
From Scott Millington, a tribute to the life force:
The candle melts softly
The flame burns strongly
Candle of eternity.
And then there was Bradley Cook's cheekily emphatic response:
The boring homework
will keep going for eternity
As I think.
And that was just some of a good bunch. The winner will be announced in these pages in the next two weeks. Last-minute entries can still be sent today before 5pm to the Sydney Writers' Festival either by fax: 9566 4809 or email: swf@zip.com.au.
(b) I've got my pipes going (that's Great Highland War Pipes to you) and can be seen here in Sydney trying to earn a crust.
By the way, my mobile phone's gone concentric, as Mrs Malaprop would say, so if you're having trouble contacting me, click here to email me.
Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to take their order. Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill Clinton studied the menu for a second. Then he looked up, smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said, "Considering all that your wife went through last year with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste." She stomped away to cry.
Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
And this nice thought from the Sydney Morning Herald:-
WE liked the way Dave Moore, of Pymble, ended an e-mail to us:
"Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic."
Also from the SMH comes some entries from the haiku competition (these are also to be found on the "Rhymes" page)
Surely never before have so many autumn leaves spiralled, swirled and wafted to the mossy earth as they did last week in response to our Sydney Writers' Festival haiku competition. That's not to say the entries amount to little more than poetic mulch. Far from it. We've been hard put to select the best. Not only was the range staggering - from gloom to euphoric, from sardonic to, well, as mad as a sack of rats - the syllable limit afforded us the added joy of practising counting up to 17. And no-one forgot the magic word, "Eternity".
Kim Hunter from Surry Hills represented the fatigued urbanite with:
Shimmering harbour
Late for work
Haze
Traffic crawling
Eternity
Jenny White of Sydney gave us a genetic solution to her sense of metropolitan isolation:
Leaves brown, drifting down
feeling alone, make myself a clone
ahh ... eternity.
Then there was the elegantly facetious entry from Megan Hicks (address unavailable):
Sev-en-teen syll-a-
bles it will be, with four
of them e-tern-it-y
From Alex Damon of Lawson there was the dodgy but biting:(this is my favourite: ed.)
Dying for a P
A Q in the bank
An F-in Eternity
But Pat Mulhane of Flemington, Victoria, summarised the spirit of the entries so far with two of her several efforts ...
Do chickens have lips
Mike looks to eternity
Asking the question
and the thoughtful
I am her mother
Eternity is too short
To love a daughter.
Today's little tittle's courtesy of "www.joke-of-the-day.co.uk"
This, apparently, is a true story from a software companies helpline.
Needless to stay the help desk employee was fired.
What follows is from the transcript of the taped conversation that led to his dismissal:
"Technical desk, may I help you? "
"Yes, I'm having trouble with your programme."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was typing, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away? "
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank. It won't accept anything."
"Are you still in our programme, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the programme window on the screen?"
"What's a programme window?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing on your desk that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and see where the mains
lead goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cable to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Er....yes it is."
"When you where behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well there are. I'd like you to look again and find the other cable."
"Okay, I've found it."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Well can you see if it is?"
"No, it's too dark."
"Too dark?"
"Yes, all the office lights are out."
"Well then, turn them on."
"I can't. We're having a power cut."
"A power........a power cut? Okay, we've got it sorted now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing that your computer came in?"
"Yes, I kept them in the cupboard."
"Good. Go and get them, then unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you bought it. Then take it back to the shop you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Okay. What do I tell them when I take it back?"
"Just tell them you're too *&^*&^^* stupid to own a computer !!!!"
For those interested in travel I can reccommend Easy Jet's site for ticketless booking.
Also for more exotic travel try this site which gives a good selection of flights which can be bought over the internet.
Also the links page has been updated today.
Heel, boys
Those boys and girls at the St John Ambulance are impressive folk. Not just because they do that work voluntarily, but because their knowledge is wider than you expect. Take the Mardi Gras parade. The ambos have issued a first aid guide for those in the parade and it makes for fascinating reading.
As well as recommending that you keep your fluid levels up, there's handy advice on ankle sprains from platform shoes (rest, elevate the ankle, remove the footwear, apply ice, then bandage) and first aid for nails: always carry a nail hardener in your purse in case your nails split. The polish can also double as a protector against ladders spreading in your pantyhose. And we know those ladders are a bugger, don't we, boys? The guide helps with fainting from heat exhaustion and excitement and isn't afraid to tackle the difficult issue of false eyelashes, glitter and foreign objects in the eye. They suggest you support the head, try not to move the eyes, flush it with cool, flowing water, place a dressing over the eye and seek medical aid. This has been an SIT community service, in conjunction with the St John Ambulance.
Footage fracas
If anyone at the Sydney Bar is worried about the continued health of the profession he can rest easy for it seems the Packers and Channel 9 are trying to engineer a lawyer-led recovery.
Having peppered organisations not a million miles from SIT with writs in recent weeks, the largest family-owned media organisation in the country has begun action against another network's program. Channel 9 has taken Federal Court action to stop Ten's The Panel program from using footage from Channel 9 programs. The Packer network claimed in the Federal Court that Ten was in breach of copyright by using segments from its programs, including Days of Our Lives, Sports Sunday, A Current Affair and Midday, to produce its own program. Under copyright law, copyright material may be used for reporting news but Channel Nine will claim The Panel is an entertainment program. We will know more when the matter returns to the courts in July.
Turning Japanese
Yesterday we announced details of the haiku competition in conjunction with the Sydney Writers' Festival. Within hours we had received this e-mail from Chris Bird in Japan. "I just thought it fair to warn you that the Sydney Writers' Festival haiku competition has reached international standards. I am an English exchange teacher in Gunma, Japan. I teach at Kasukawa Junior High School. This week as part of the English class I conduct with my Japanese English teacher, we planned on teaching writing a haiku in English to our second-year junior high school students. Now as per the competition we will be writing them with the word eternity, of course. You want real people in the competition - you cannot get much more real than Japanese school children writing haikus. Be warned."
The bug that turned into a baby
More evidence for the SIT theory that life is but a Monty Python sketch writ large. Before we detail this case, cast your mind back to The Meaning of Life, the song Every Sperm is Sacred and an extremely large Catholic family. As you may remember, the harried mother was busy washing clothes or some such when the next sprog was delivered on the bathroom floor, prompting her to say to her nearest daughter: "Pick that one up will you, Deirdre?" Now comes news that earlier this week in London a mother of four who thought her contractions were a stomach bug has given birth in her bathroom to a fifth child. Fiona O'Reilly did not know she was pregnant and went to the bathroom when she went into labour as she thought she was going to be ill. Before she had time to call an ambulance she had given birth on the floor of her bathroom. "Deidre!"
Music to the ears
News that musical instrument maker Boosey and Hawkes will soon make its last flute in Britain after 240 years of continual production does raise a significant question for all parents, neighbours of school-age children and people with any musical ear at all. Does this mean that maybe they will stop making recorders too? Oh, please say it's true.
A few key points in the art of better living
THE PROBLEM: Losing keys. Surely it's not just me. Every time l leave the house, there's a mad panic to find them and it leaves me stressed, late and hating myself for being so hopeless.
THE SOLUTION: Attach them permanently. Now that we are no longer involved in wars, voluntarily piercing the flesh with metal has become trendy. So, kill two birds with one stone and have your keys surgically attached. l wouldn't recommend the ear, eyebrow or nipple, as this may make driving the car a bit awkward. Leave the genitals alone, too, as you probably won't be able to reach the lock on your door. Rather, get them attached low down on an arm.
Remove the problem #1: Shrug off this materialistic coil, and get rid of everything that requires a key. lt was good enough for humankind for 50,000 years, so become homeless, car-less, steering-lock-less. The added bonus is that you'll get 2 weeks' free accommodation in September when the Government hides you away. Put them in the same place every time. l included this only because it's so obvious and sensible. But it never works, unless you're the type of person who automatically thinks, l must put my keys in the proper place whenever I arrive home, in which case you have far bigger problems that simply losing your keys.
Remove the problem #2: Never leave the house. Probably a last resort, this one. lf you do follow this path, make sure your phone works.
- JAMES O'LOGHLIN
Now, from the London Evening Standard
Nudetopia - surfers' paradise
It's Friday night and I'm at a photo call for London's first "cyberlounge". Nutopia feels like the set of a Stanley Kubrick-inspired Health and Efficiency film. "Excuse my wobbly arse," says Roz as she skips off her Eames chair in search of another glass of champagne. Roz is the publicist. She's also buck naked.
| In fact, everyone else surfing the net at this designer internet lounge is more or less starkers. "If we can get away with doing this on a Friday night we will, until Westminster Council closes us down," she says. |  |
Nutopia - inspired by the Lennon/Ono vision of a conceptual country with "no land, boundaries or passports, only people" - would seem to mark a dramatic new departure in internet surfing. "We're not trying to appeal to the techno geek, there are enough of those places in town," says director Grant Mitchell (no, not that one).
To raise the half-a-million necessary to make his vision happen, Mitchell sold his flat, and the parents of his partners George Philipakos and Toula Phillipakou sold their house. The result is designer nettie heaven - partly down to the involvement of Emmy-winning (the film Stalin) art director Alistair Kay. As well as the Eames and Phillipe Starck chairs, there are two giant aquariums (which help de-ionise the air), optic white PVC walls and ceiling and 40 Apple Mac flat-screen monitors.
Though it offers the standard services such as video conferencing, scanning, CD burning, Zip drives, printing and web design and hosting, all with technical support and training, it's the theme nights that will set it apart from the cybercafes around town.
Plans so far include Cyber Spa, where you can "take your top off and have a shiatsu massage", and linking with clubs so that between 3am and 7am clubbers can come to the lounge and chill out for a few hours over a healthy juice. There will also be gay nights - "there are so few good venues for girly nights in London and gay women will love this" - and even a trans-gender night called Dragnet.
Each monitor is equipped with a web cam so if someone at the other side of the lounge takes your fancy you can e-mail them a chat-up line. "It's a whole new era of cruising," says Mitchell.
Nutopia may not appeal to everyone but it has at least one new fan. Bill, a builder in Covent Garden, happened to wolf whistle Roz and Toula on their way to work. Rather than tut their disapproval the girls had the perfect comeback: "Wanna see us naked? Come along to Nutopia tonight."
As I left, Bill, six-foot-plus skin-head with an armful of tattoos, was happily sipping champagne behind his monitor, naked as the day he was born.
•Nutopia, 42 Shelton Street, WC2;
•Website http://www.nutopia.net
Return to Top
To celebrate the day I've started a new section which you will see on the menu bar to the left. I thought it was about time I shared my selection of favourite books with you all.
Return to Top