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5/6/2000

This woman met this man and they fell in love instantly and married.

The woman had been married 3 times before, but was still nervous on her first night with her new husband.

So they were moving toward the bedroom and the woman says: "Can you please just be gentle, this is my first time?"

The man says: "Sure, but weren't you married 3 times before?"

The woman replies, "Well, my first husband was a therapist, so he only liked talking about it."

"My second husband was a gynaecologist, so he only liked looking at it."

"My third husband was a stamp collector....God, how I miss him."

This next is one I came across years ago and it still has me in stitches. Try reading it out loud in that rather pedantic, flat and nasal tone used by the precise sort of person that loves all things mechanical!!

This is an accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is the bricklayer's report ... a true story.

Dear Sir: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In them vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

This explains the two broken legs."

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27/5/2000

(I REALLY WONDER HOW THE PEOPLE IN TOURISM REMAIN SANE!)

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany)
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I'm not touching this one...)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
(No, and we use shells for money too)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
(A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over)

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
(Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
(Yes, except in America.)

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11/5/2000

Now, I've been sent an "oldie but goodie" from Barry that I feel I must share with you:-

Mr. Perkins, the biology tutor at a posh suburban girl's college, asked during a class,
"Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size,
and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly,
"Mr. Perkins, I don't think that that is a proper question to ask me.
I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!"

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7/5/2000

Also please note that now I'm back in England the best email address to contact me on is merrick.sheldon@virgin.net .

Now something courtesy of Sally Bott who's working on the yard with me:-

Fed up with banks?
This letter was sent to a Bank in the US. They thought it amusing enough to publish it in the New York times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing repayment.

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my utomated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best Of Woody Guthrie":

"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client. Return to Top

28/4/2000

Phil came home from work and found his wife crying.

"Your mother really offended me today," she sobbed.

"My mother?" he asked. "How? She's on holiday in Australia!"

"I know," she wailed. "This morning a letter addressed to you arrived, and I opened it, because I was curious."

"Hmm, OK, and?"

"Well, it was from her. At the bottom, she'd written 'PS: Dear Catherine, when you've read this, don't forget to pass it on to Phil.'"

AND, if rather belatedly, from Barry:-

The art of punning is not dead..............
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your Kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

8. And the worst of the bunch (or the best for last): These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving -- Are you ready for this? That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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15/4/2000

In the meanwhile, here's something to be going on with :-)

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,"where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

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27-3-2000

"Jobless white builder rules as African king By Justin Sparks in Amsterdam"

HENK OTTE, a 43-year-old unemployed ex-builder from Amsterdam, has been crowned King Togbe Korsi Ferdinand Gakpector II following the discovery that he is the reincarnation of the last great warrior king of the 250,000-strong Ewe tribe in Ghana.
The Mepe kingdom, known in Ghana as the Mepe Traditional District, had been without a ruler since the death of King Togbe Korsi Ferdinand Gakpector I in 1974. Mr Otte, who was forced to leave the building trade in 1988 after a work-related accident, aroused the interest of a local witch doctor during a 1995 visit to Mepe with his Ghanaian wife, the late king's granddaughter. The couple met in Amsterdam, which has a large Ghanaian community.

Mr Otte explained: "The witch doctor keeps contact with the ancestral spirits. After carrying out a lot of secret rituals with the tribal elders, he discovered that I was, in fact, the king's reincarnation." The revelation was initially kept quiet. But after lengthy discussions between tribal elders, Mr Otte was approached with a request to accept the throne on which he was installed in 1997.

Mr Otte said: "At first I thought it was a bad joke. But they were so solemn that I realised pretty quick that they were serious. I considered it a great honour and accepted. And anyway, I hardly had anything to do back home in Holland." The coronation followed several days of rituals, including libations, animal slaughtering, feasting and dancing.

Mr Otte was ceremonially crowned King Togbe Korsi Ferdinand Gakpector II, after the elders had rejected his request to be crowned King Togbe Henk I. In addition to the city of Mepe, the capital of the Mepe kingdom, he is sovereign of 38 outlying settlements. Maruska Svasek, a Dutch anthropologist at Queen's University, Belfast, said the monarch was much more than simply a figurehead in Ewe society.

She said: "In rural areas in particular, the king is not only expected to officiate at ritual events, but also to resolve tribal disputes and take decisions on community projects. On top of that, he's something of a religious figurehead, and in this case it seems it's not so important what your bloodline and colour is, but what ancestral spirit you embody."

Mr Otte says he has never been much of a churchgoer, and has found his religious role difficult to grasp. He says: "For the people here I'm basically a god. They bow down in my presence and lay on feasts for me that could feed the whole of Amsterdam. And if my full name is spoken out loud, people begin to cry and scream with excitement. It's enough to put them into a state of ecstasy."

Mr Otte is considered by his subjects to be a "builder king" rather than a "warrior king", and he is quick to point out that he has not allowed his newly acquired privileges to go to his head. He has already begun working on an array of development projects, such as improved education, for which he is trying to raise international funds. The white African king admits that he has encountered problems in living two separate lives in two different cultures.

In Mepe, he wears royal robes and jewellery, officiates at festivals and holds sway over the gathering of chiefs. In Holland, where he still spends most of the year, he is simply Henk Otte, an unremarkable Dutch citizen living on disability benefit. He says: "In Ghana. I'm more important than Queen Beatrix is in Holland. But when I'm in Holland, I'm just old Henk, and my life is suddenly incredibly empty."

At a recent football match between Holland and Ghana, he was invited along in his royal capacity. He says: "Of course I had to support Ghana. But it was terrible not to be able to shout for the men in orange. I just couldn't make myself look enthusiastic for my subjects."

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24-3-2000

RHONDA, of Chittaway Point, near Wyong, after cleaning her computer, booted it up without reconnecting the keyboard. The screen showed an error message:
" No keyboard can be found. Press F1 to continue."

VIRGINIA Hunter, of Balmain, ordered a taxi by phone around midnight the other night to take an American visitor home. No sooner had she put down the phone and sat down at the (late) dinner table than the doorbell rang. "Sorry for the delay," said the taxi-driver, possibly tongue-in-cheek. The visitor was suitably impressed: "Your Olympics are going to be fantastic."

A CRASH? It was a bit scary, says Jonathan O'Brien, getting into a lift at the Grace Bros city store. "Instead of seeing the display that tells what floor you're on, and what's on that floor, there was a blue and white screen saying: Windows: A fatal Exception OE has occurred."

Also consider what Peterborough has to say today:-

I'M INDEBTED to the Friends of Classics group for an analysis of the subliminal message in Microsoft's latest television ad, which is set to the Confutatis Maledictis from Mozart's Requiem.

"Where do you want to go today?" the advert asks, as the chorus sings: "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis" ["The accursed, being condemned, are consigned to the flames of hell."]

And:-

BILLBOARD headline for the Buckingham Advertiser:
"Dog Wins Top Prize At Crufts."

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