06.01.2001

So the Christmas and New Year period is finally over and all there is to look forward to is Burn's Night ( the 25th of January). Burn's Night is, for those of you who don't know these things, the celebration of the Birthday of Robert (Rabbie) Burns, Scotland's greatest poet.

Although Hogmanay (New Year's Eve) is very much a Scottish feast, to me Burn's night is the best of all winter festivities. As a player of the Great Highland War Pipe, better known as Bagpipes, although I do enjoy piping in the New Year, Burns night is, I find, much more fun. Piping in the Haggis to the tune of "A man's a man for a' that" Followed by the "Address to the Haggis" one of Burn's best poems, then after eating as much Haggis, Neaps and Tatties as one can, hearing the other addresses is the best way to spend an evening, especially if followed by some impromptu Scottish country of Highland dancing.

For any interested in this sort of thing I list some useful links below:-

Lloyd's World of Haggis is a good starting place but be warned, the sound effects can be startlingly amusing.

Now try The Official Burns Page which will help you along while the song "Nine inch will please a lady" will help you understand why he's also known as one of the baudiest poets about.

Then, for a complete change, you could have a wee look at Scotland's Very Worst Poet, William McGonagall whose truly dreadful poetry will have you in stitches, I promise.

p.s. I see from my Geobutton stats that there have been 50 or so of you lovely people popping into my site over the last few weeks. So a big welcome to all of you, especially those of you from Wangaratta in Oz, Quakertown in Pennsylvania ( the first to hit my site in the New Year), T'blisi in Georgia, Beverly Hills in California, Oxford in the UK, Justin, Edinburg and Dallas in Texas and Port of Spain in Trinidad. I know I've left a lot of you out so please forgive me, I've been at the PC now for most of the day and my fingers are knackered!!

Now, it would be nice if any of you felt like dropping me a little email with just a few details of yourselves, doesn't need to be much just roughly where you live and what you do, especially as (a) I'm not exactly anonymous here on my little site and (b) it would seem to me that we have some things in common as you might have enjoyed my little site and (c) I have a new email address, specially personalised, wot I have just bought and, to the best of my knowledge, there are only a handful of people in the world who could use it, myself and my father being the only two I know about. It is merrick@eadon-sheldon.com. By the way this site can now be reached through the URL http://www.eadon-sheldon.com if you want a simpler URL to update your favourites with.

p.p.s. I'd love to hear from anyone else whose name comes close.

p.p.p.s. Oh, hello and welcome to Badmrc428 who looks as if they might be getting their own site up and running soon. I'll pass on the URL if it all goes according to plan.

p.p.p.p.s. Gorsky's Comedy site from Australia for a laugh or two. Click here to see it

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03.01.2001

Now then, I've been reading the "Limericks" (my parentheses) that have been submitted so far and, whilst some of them have been both funny and apt, others have fallen well far of the mark and it is obvious to me that a great many of you do not fully understand the rules for writing Limericks! So, in order to help you all, I've unashamedly plundered the H2G2 site for it's pithy page on the subject. You will find the page here on this site. I would seriously recommend that anyone wanting to have a go at sending in an entry to the Competition have a good read of the page first and then have a quick shuftie at the other Limericks here on the site before committing yourself to any attempt.

Also there's a new entry in the Short stories section that I was sent by an anonymous author!! it's the first part of what I'm told will be a thriller/detective story which could be interesting. Perhaps not for the faint hearted though as the language might offend some, so be warned.

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16/11/2000

I've a feeling I could be onto something here. There are a couple of pieces of software that I've been trying out lately that have enormously enhanced my web surfing. The first is a brilliant (and FREE) package that allows you to resume that large file download when your unmetered ISP yet again drops the line. It's already "paid" for itself by helping me download a vast load of files which has enabled me to upgrade from PsiWin 2.0 to version 2.1. Not perhaps a lot in itself, you may say , but well worth it from my point of view as I've always had to use the pay per minute ISP before which is not cheap. The software is called "Get It Right" and can be found @ (http://www.GetRight.com) The second is a piece of privacy software, again FREE, which keeps an eye on who's trying to get into your PC when you're on-line. I was surprised, not to say horrified when I first used it as someone seemed to be trying to get at my machine on a regular basis; almost as regularly as the ISP kept dropping the line in fact. This has set me wondering, to say the least. Funnily enough, the line doesn't seem to drop nearly as much now, or am I being paranoid:-} This second is called Zone Alarm and can be found @ (http://www.zonelabs.com)

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13.11.2000

A new day, a new page and all thanks to Dreamweaver!!

I'd like to share a joke or two but haven't had the time to laugh of late, sad isn't it!! You might have noticed that the format is slowly beginning to change and will continue to do so as I get better control of this software.

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25/10/2000

Well, it is now certainly ages since I've been on-line and the tragedy of it is that the only reason that I've got the time is because my loving mare trod on my foot this afternoon and so I'm laid up for a bit.

Probably the only news of real interest that has been happening round here of late is that, as, apparently, a consequence of a hole opening up in Silbury Hill (I think it was on New Years Eve or the summer solstice or something like that), a local landmark which has no apparent reason, though is believed to have been built by hand during the Bronze Age (I think), a descendant of the prehistoric Raptor Dinosaurs has been spotted locally. Known as the Raptor Chicken, it has been seen lurking in hedgerows and up in the hills at nights. What is most surprising about this is that there has been absolutely no news of this in any of the media at all. There is talk locally of the government having put a news blackout out about it though I suspect that it's the usual story of truth being stranger than fiction and nobody wanting to be seen as gullible, though God knows, our press would believe anything if it were put to them in the right way.

Anyway, there it is, one of those unusual and unexplained things that happen so often round here in deepest Wiltshire. It is, of course, the talk of the local pub, the Barge Inn at Honeystreet, probably best known during the summer months for its famous crop-circle room AKA the pool room which has an amazing mural covering most of the walls and all of the ceiling. I'm not quite sure of the URL but I think www.cropcircleconnector.com or something like that will give you an Internet tour of the pub.

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Back again after what seems to be ages.
The main story here in the UK of late, overshadowing even the Olympics, is the fuel blockade.
The main aspect, which the media here at least seem to have severely played down, is that support for the action is pretty much universal. This puts it in a very different category from any previous industrial action as the entire population were quite prepared to batten down the hatches whilst the prime minister got a good taste of just how out of touch he is with the people of this country and just how sick we all are of his pushing us around and generally treating this country like his own personal kingdom!!

And now for a wee joke courtesy of Lynn:-

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said,
"I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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The trouble with the debate here in the UK about whether or not to ban Fox-Hunting is that not enough people are using their heads and too many people are using their hearts!!

And now for a limerick that I'd quite forgotten:-

"I say, young man, you're a bore"
Said the Lady Emelia Fitz-Gore,
"You're covered in sweat,
I haven't come yet,
And, Ye Gods, it's a quarter past four!"

And here's another:-

There was a young lady named Sally,
Who monitored her running tally
of people she'd wedded,
snogged with or bedded,
Though not those who merely were pally.

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5/6/2000

Life seems to have been such a rush recently that I just haven't had much time to do much to this site at all!!
One of the things I keep meaning to do is to sort out and completely revamp the Competition which needs a bit more thought to it judging by the relative lack of response. However, it'll have to wait a while. Meanwhile, here are a few more funnies that have made me laugh:-

This woman met this man and they fell in love instantly and married.

The woman had been married 3 times before, but was still nervous on her first night with her new husband.

So they were moving toward the bedroom and the woman says: "Can you please just be gentle, this is my first time?"

The man says: "Sure, but weren't you married 3 times before?"

The woman replies, "Well, my first husband was a therapist, so he only liked talking about it."

My second husband was a gynecologist, so he only liked looking at it."

"My third husband was a stamp collector....God, how I miss him."

This next is one I came across years ago and it still has me in stitches. Try reading it out loud in that rather pedantic, flat and nasal tone used by the precise sort of person that loves all things mechanical!!

This is an accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is the bricklayer's report ... a true story.

Dear Sir: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In them vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

This explains the two broken legs."

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