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19.10.01
A couple more funnies from SnorkelBunny (is that spelt right now SB?).
First:-
Middle Eastern TV Listings for Today
6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky
repair a
Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack
by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take
over
the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle
top
appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political
and
religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.
Will
contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover
to
expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of
the
infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel
the
Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israeli
graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
Secondly the following:-
09.10.01
Just a quickie to let you all know that Morzine
Mike has now got his website up and running (www.morzinemike.com) which
can be found by clicking here.
20.09.01
Here's a few funnies to cheer us all up in these
days of Doom & Gloom, courtesy of Snorkel Bunny:-
First,
click here for the "Signs" Word.doc that will have you in stitches
And click here for the "Female Bumper Stickers" Word.doc that
will have a similar effect
Next:-
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE LONDON UNDERGROUND
(no kidding, they're real!!):
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear
of the doors' don't you understand?"
"At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday
afternoon):
'Please let the passengers off the train first.
Please let the passengers off the train first.
Please let the passengers off the train first.
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going
home."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger m*st*rb*ting on the train at Edgware
Road.
Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad
news?"
" The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the
town and had a great time.
I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive
you to work and home each day and not even a card.
The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination.
We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply
get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started.
In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front
or beside you or opposite you.
Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome
-not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further
information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..."
The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side
of the train are called the doors.
Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."
The doors close...
"Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wondered
into the tunnel at Euston.
We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come
out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
CINDERELLA
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
departed Prince,
she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her
cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here
after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have
lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to
grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat,
jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering
with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I
was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside
her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what
shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said,
"I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before
them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man could
match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each
other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most
stunning perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his
muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's
just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains
the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes
into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus
aren't you? I know this
duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer
and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give
me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with
a top job.
Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*** do they want with a plasterer?"
I start today by offering my heart-felt condolences to the American victims of the appalling terrorist attacks of the day before yesterday. Everything else pales into sheer insignificance. Our thoughts are with you all. One small suggestion to those affected either directly or indirectly is to read the poem "If" in the rhymes section. It just might give strength.
Please note, for those of you who have noticed that the Snark section wasn't right, it has finally been corrected.
Also, I'm hoping to be able to improve the Rhymes section as from today.
Previous Entries by date:-
On this page
13/09/01
On other pages
6/2-7/8/01
5/6/2000-30/1/2001
24/3-5/6/2000
28/2-23/3/2000
Zipped
11-26/2/00
1/1-1/2/00
6-7/1/00
17/12/99-5/1/00